Life's Little Reminders

Most people who read this blog that I know of know that I'm in recovery. Hopefully most people who read it now have gotten to and read the post about my sobriety birthday back in August. So. Yeah. If you didn't know, now you do.
I was in a meeting just a while ago and was reminded about something. I didn't know where to write it, so I thought I'd just write about it here. I should write more, privately I suppose. Anyway, what we were discussing was Gossip. I'm not sure if what I do personally can be considered as gossip. Yes I talk about the people in my life and events that surround me, but I don't repeat nor talk about things that I wasn't present for. Whether or not a recounting of my own experience counts as gossip, I'm not sure. In the definition, the word hearsay comes up. Which, hearsay denotes that the person gossiping wasn't around for the actual occurrence.
One thing this topic did remind me of was why I left my old home group. We have a saying. Never say anything in a meeting you don't want all of AA in Austin to know. For the most part it's true. Alcoholics talk. Things get around.
Anyway, so a couple years ago I was living with this guy. I probably shouldn't have been, because he drinks and does drugs. But, whatever, I figured it was my choice, and OH MY GOD I WAS IN LOVE. Some people just don't understand. The point is, it was my choice, and I was aware of the things that went on while I was sleeping. I was aware of what went on while I wasn't there. Somehow, the word got out at my old home group. I didn't say anything. I don't remember telling anyone anything about this situation. Because I know not to say anything unless I want everyone in Austin to know. I talked to my sponsor about it a lot. I talked to close friends. I know the source of how the information that got leaked. It was my mother. Surprise surprise.
Even after I left him, moved out, and started rebuilding everything, people still came up to me and said some pretty mean spirited things. I'm not sure if it was their way of saying, "Hey, I love you, you should think about what you're doing." But it sure didn't sound like it. Whatever's wrong with, "Hey, I love you. You should think about what you're doing"? Honestly, some people walked up to me and said some pretty cruel things, and it was totally uncalled for. So I left. I was tired of defending this. I mean, I don't know why I felt the need to defend my actions, other than the fact that they were my own; that people have the right to be wrong; that I had the right to be wrong; it wasn't there life. True or not. It wasn't anyone's business.
I found a new home group. I'd forgotten for a long time. But it makes me want to watch my own actions to see if what it is I am saying is indeed gossip. Because if things like what was said to me come out of my mouth, then yes, yes I do need to take a look at what I'm saying. Now that I've remembered again why I don't go to the same group I used to go to when I got sober, I'm sad. It just pains me that people who claim to try and help other people will go to such lengths to tear others down. That's all for now. I just had to write. Before I forgot. Again.

Hooray Colorado!

Now that my brain is functioning a bit better. It took four shots of espresso and roughly twelve hours of sleep. Hell, if it weren't better by now I'd be shooting myself. This post is probably going to be the first of many about trip pictures. There's so many it's going to take me a while to go through and find all the good ones to build a slide show or something. Anyway, here is better for me anyway because I can post the picture and then babble about what it is.

That's the I-70 diner. Their Amish meatballs are the shit. I burped it up all night. It was the first time I'd ever eaten anything and was really excited to taste it again later.

This is mountainous activity somewhere on I-70.

More of the view from I-70, west of Denver I think.

Somewhere along the road to Lookout Mountain aka Buffalo Bill's Grave.

A view from part of the Lookout Mountain Trail.

A view from the same part of the trail. That's me. I was looking at this earlier and thought, "Gosh. I'm so small compared to everything. The mountains. The universe." So, I think of it now as the insignificant picture.

Me practicing what I preach about sitting and being. Ah, it was nice just sitting there and enjoying the view. This was at the actual look out point. There's a shop there with a really nice lady. They have fantastic fudge and food. This is also near the resting place of Buffalo Bill and his wife.

I-70 West of the lookout mountain exit.

The tunnel. Er, one of the tunnels on I-70.

The Starbucks in Idaho Springs, Colorado. Elevation 7,526 feet. It is home to less than 2,000 people. One day I will live there. If only for a year or two, I will live there.

This would be why I would live there. To the right of this picture is an apartment complex right on this creek with a staircase winding down to this little patio, on the creek. Someday I will wake up and sit in a place similar in this town, drink coffee, and smoke a few cigarettes.

Further up the mountain, elevation somewhere around 8 or 9 thousand feet. I realized when we stopped here what Joseph Campbell was talking about when he said, "People seek the meaning of life but what they're really looking for is the experience of being alive." Or something very close to that, I'll have to look it up. Anyway, at this point I realized that was the entire trip. We just got in the car and drove West from Denver, with no destination in mind. The further we went, the more we needed to see. When that hit me, that realization, I almost cried. I finally felt what he was talking about. I told my friend Eric, who took this trip with me, "This is it. This is what he was talking about. This is the experience of being alive." Maybe it wasn't the complete experience of being alive, but it's an awesome starting point for me. After that, this butterfly fluttered up in my face and waited very patiently and prettily for me to take a few pictures of it.

This is the view from the top of a hill on the side of I-70, still heading west. It was completely beautiful. These pictures do no justice to actually seeing it. This was somewhere between 9 and 10 thousand feet above sea level. There was a storm heading our way. At that elevation this time of year, it doesn't rain. It snows. So, we got snowed on. Needless to say it wasn't much further from here we turned around and headed back to Denver.

Five States. Four Days. Oh yeah.

I just got back home to Austin, Texas, from a trip I took with a friend this past weekend to Denver, Colorado. It took us 18 hours to get there, and 21 to get back. The five States the title is refering to include: Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and New Mexico. We decided to take some time and see the sights on the way back. It was beautiful. I wanted to share with you some things that I learned:

• Kansas is basically a 82,282 square mile shit hole. If it ever occurs to you that it might be a good idea to drive through and see the sights, shoot yourself.
  
• Fun-Yuns are in a food group all their own. They get the funky sleepy I've been in the car way too fucking long taste out of your mouth in the morning.
  
• I drive like a cunt no matter what State I'm in.
  
• People in every State I was in, on every highway, still think a blinker is asking permission for something. I'm not asking your permission to merge or change lanes when I put my blinker on. I'm letting you know where I'm going you fucking cock wrinkle. Move.
• My brain is made of Fungus. If you ever hear me say, "Dig in the Fungus..." Now you'll know why.
• Nothing feels better than a hot shower and a warm, soft bed after driving 1,000+ miles.
• The cops in Kansas are essentially 6 foot rectal muscles with radar guns.
  
• There's a gas station on I-70 heading into Denver, about 150 miles east, where the ladies restroom is filled with Harlequin Romance novels. But I'll tell you what, that lady sure knows a good place to eat.
  

That is all for now. The Fungus is tired.

Today

I feel like I want to write more, just because I know I have the time. Otherwise, there's at least two weeks in between posts. But then, I'd post ten times one day.. and still naught for two weeks. There is no happy medium in my life right now. It's okay. It's frustrating. It's interesting. It won't last much longer, I hope.

Anyway, today has been long. My hamster died. It was strange, I was sitting at my desk working on stuff, and I caught a smell of something off. I turned around, and he was laid out. Not in a ball, like how he likes to sleep, either. Just sort of laying on his side. His eyes were slightly open. I knew when I looked over my shoulder, before I got up to investigate, that he was dead. My lazy, cute, furry friend is gone.

I feel as though it's been a long week and today's only Tuesday. And yesterday was a holiday. I've driven over a hundred miles. Run at least twenty errands. I'm still behind.
My dog had a seizure last night. It was like the brakes got put on everything. My entire world stopped. I was terrified watching her eyes flicker back and forth. It was strange.

My eyes have horrible allergies in them. This is new for me. It's driving me nuts. I'm in class. Life just feels blah right now. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not sure what to do. I want to go home, or go to a friends, and just lay on the couch and knit.

Random Strangers

I've never been big on Craigslist, even though I've heard a bit about it over the years since it started. This site has a lot to offer, and if you're thinking their personals section is just a big fuck fest because it's free, you're kind of right. For the most part, there's some strange stuff going down. But then, I've found responses and people on there better than the guys eHarmony deemed worthy of me based on my 82 point or whatever-the-fuck personality profile. As much as this hurts, because it was expensive and disappointing, I paid for a subscription to eHarmony a few months ago. The quality of people on there was very disappointing. I've very much enjoyed the conversations I've had with a few of the people I've contacted (and who've contacted me) through Craigslist.

One in particular that I wanted to write about. He posted this ad entitled "Looking for insight?" and offered to listen to any women's 'man problems.' Free of charge, no less. I think it's something he just likes to do. So I wrote him about this situation that's been going on in my life for a while. It was refreshing to not get a sugar coated opinion. And no even an opinion, guy advice from a guy is damn near close to fact. He asked me important questions and helped me analyze the situation, and stop over-analyzing it.

I used to hear about these hotlines where it was like chump change a minute just to talk to someone. Not a sleazy sex line, just someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Those lines were actually a bit more successful than most, because humans need someone to talk to. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a random stranger about what's troubling life than it is a close friend. And I love my friends. I don't fear their judgment. I don't mind opening up to them. It's just in this situation I needed a fresh and clean perspective. Someone from outside that hasn't held my hand through the joys, laughed at my amused frustration, or patted my head while I cried. Although I really appreciate the people who have done this. I'm not sure what my mental state would be without you (I LOVE YOU MELISSA. I do. I think about you all the time).

The truth is, I need someone I can just talk to. Just spill all the beans. I've used various folks on the internet. One was Crystal, in a way. One of her past posts inspired something in me, and I could relate a lot to what she'd written. The guy from Craigslist, the random stranger? His name is Brian. At least, that's what the e-mail said (I hope you don't mind, dude.. I mean.. if you ever read this nonsense I write). There are various others, but these are the two who've recently made an impact. An impact in a random stranger's life. Some girl, from the internet, that they took a moment to listen to. Well, in Crystal's case, she took a moment to not be afraid, and wrote something no one understood until I came along and read it (at the time, hopefully someone else could relate to it). So this is a big heartfelt thank you to anyone out there who takes the time to help a friend or some random person.

Dear Asshat..

Fuck you.

To every person who gets on IH 35 doing 40 and refuses to speed up once on the freeway. Fuck you.

To everyone who rides my ass when I'm already speeding. Fuck you.

To every person who changes lanes while on the phone without even checking their blind spot. Fuck you.

To every jackass in the fast lane doing five miles per hour below the speed limit. Fuck you.

To anyone bastardly enough to ride my ass when I'm in the right lane and it's more than your right to GO FUCKING AROUND. Fuck you.

And finally, to that guy at the post office the other day who was bitching about the employees being liars because they lost your mail and have no record of it, fuck you. All I wanted was stamps. Fuck all of you. Get out of my city.

I hope you all at some point in your lives get your head stuck in a toilet.

Respectfully submitted,
BJ

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Happy October, everybody!! I think I'm going to be a pimptress for Halloween. I'm soooooo excited. I bought the most fantastic shoes. Okay. Now that I've bitched, I'm going to go jerk off. :D