Five States. Four Days. Oh yeah.

I just got back home to Austin, Texas, from a trip I took with a friend this past weekend to Denver, Colorado. It took us 18 hours to get there, and 21 to get back. The five States the title is refering to include: Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and New Mexico. We decided to take some time and see the sights on the way back. It was beautiful. I wanted to share with you some things that I learned:

• Kansas is basically a 82,282 square mile shit hole. If it ever occurs to you that it might be a good idea to drive through and see the sights, shoot yourself.
  
• Fun-Yuns are in a food group all their own. They get the funky sleepy I've been in the car way too fucking long taste out of your mouth in the morning.
  
• I drive like a cunt no matter what State I'm in.
  
• People in every State I was in, on every highway, still think a blinker is asking permission for something. I'm not asking your permission to merge or change lanes when I put my blinker on. I'm letting you know where I'm going you fucking cock wrinkle. Move.
• My brain is made of Fungus. If you ever hear me say, "Dig in the Fungus..." Now you'll know why.
• Nothing feels better than a hot shower and a warm, soft bed after driving 1,000+ miles.
• The cops in Kansas are essentially 6 foot rectal muscles with radar guns.
  
• There's a gas station on I-70 heading into Denver, about 150 miles east, where the ladies restroom is filled with Harlequin Romance novels. But I'll tell you what, that lady sure knows a good place to eat.
  

That is all for now. The Fungus is tired.