Dear ______,

Boyfriend,
I love you although at times you infuriate me. However, I love you more than you infuriate me. I'm touched that you're proud I do well at my place of employment. I'm sorry I work so late. I appreciate it more than you will ever know when you stay up late waiting for me to get home. I could never express my gratitude for the times I come home and you're naked on the couch. I know you've been tired and sick lately. Thank you for the sex despite your disposition.

Insurance Company,
FUCK YOU.
You can take the extra 200 dollars you want next year and shove it up your ass. This year I've paid you on time, I have no moving violations to speak of at all in the whole history of my driving, and I've caused zero accidents. So to you I say, "Wish in one hand, shit in the other, I'm calling Progressive."

Melissa,
I miss you terribly. I miss your smile, your hair, your goofy laugh. I miss making out with you. I miss feeling like a perv when I put my face in your boobs. I miss listening to you. I miss talking to you about my vagina and hearing about yours and that thing that came out of it, and all the goofy shit she does.

Bek,
If you moved again, please let me know. It's been a fair bit since I've seen a post. :( P.S. post pictures of snow :D

Everyone else,
I love you. Have a good Christmas. Me and the guy counter-part are going to pick his son up for the holidays on Saturday, so, I probably won't post much. I'm excited. We haven't seen him since the summer time. So, happy holidays, Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever the hell it is you like celebrating during the cold part of the year.

Whoa

I completely missed October. And November.

My bad.

Well, October was crazy busy because of work. November's been crazy busy because it's the beginning of the holiday season and it's just been a shitty month. I got rear-ended on the 11th, that got settled this last week. My lover boy's been in jail since the 18. Stupid bullshit. But they sent him to Williamson County for child-support bullshit. His ex-wife, who was mad at him, called and told them he wasn't paying (which he was, which they knew he was) and they put a warrant with a 7000 dollar cash bond out on him. He had some past stuff (stupid stuff. warrant for driving with expired tags) here in Travis county and they moved him at the beginning of the week up there.

Williamson county is THE WORST county to have any legal trouble. Apparently, the law means nothing to them. When they set his child support for separation, the amount was fine. Within his means for his profession, and also more than what most custodial parents get. When she finalized the divorce (after putting him in jail on false assault charges) with the same evidence she had his child support finalized at $1000 per month.
Not for two kids.
Not for three kids.

For ONE fucking child. Texas law states that child support should be set at at least 20% of the non-custodial parents wages. Wow. I had no idea my kind of husband made $6000 a month as a disabled veteran and journeyman plumber!

So, needless to say he's fallen a bit behind since they got divorced in 2000. So, ever check he's gotten over the last 3 years they've taken half of. Which is about $1000 a month. So he makes little more money then I do, and we haven't been able to afford a lawyer so that sorry, greedy bitch can go back to getting something closer to what will allow us to live and enough for her to support his son. Even though, even when she was getting all that money, for three year straight, then half of his unemployment check, she apparently still couldn't keep gas in the car to get him to school?

So, over the last six months we've been sending money straight to him, or paying what expenses we can online. Apparently, his ex-wife thinks "child-support" means "my lazy ass and my husbands lazy ass" support. Because when they were getting money, THEY were fine, but his son would still call, "BJ.. I really need this.. can you talk to my dad when he gets home?" And I'd be like, "What? She's getting 300+ dollars a week and can't even get you new pants? Or gas? Or school supplies? What the fuck?" She can't seem to get him to the DMV to get his license. And apparently the flooding and damage from the hurricane that went through the Texas Rio Grande Valley was his fault. I talked to him through the entire thing, and she was yelling at him because there was water coming out of the walls.

Uhm, you dumb bitch, the eye of a hurrican is passing 30 miles to the north of you. This might surprise you, but your house is going to flood. Pray for me. Pray for us. Pray that I don't get her on the phone when she gets back from visiting her family for the holidays (which she ruined for me, completely) and tell her exactly what I think. Because if I do she won't give any of this the time of day. But then, we've made several, SEVERAL agreements which were fair to everyone involved, and also gave her a bit extra (he let her file his tax return and keep all the extra money) and she still didn't hold up her part of the deal.

Okay. Now I'm frustrated. If I ever meet her (heh, we've been together forever, I've spent days and days on end with her son, and I've never met her) I'm going to punch her right in her cunt.

If I can find it. I hear she's a rather large woman.

Alright. I'm done. I love you guys. Bear with me. I miss my Jimmy, he's my lover, my best friend, and my companion. He has been for years. And the best I get is a 15 minute phone call everyday. Except for when I work, because they turn the phones off before I get off work. Visitation is the same way. I've been trying to get him out, but right now I want to punch his lawyer right in his cunt, too. More on that this week ;)

Today's Treat: Soda!

So, it's been 72 hours, and from what I've read and been told I can have a bit of soda today. On Thursday I went to the grocery store and got some fantastic organic Pear Apple Italian Soda. Then I realized I couldn't have it for a few days. I'm fixing to go crack it open and give it a spin. :)

So, today I got up early. I'm thinking I used to sleep in a lot on the weekends because of the constant infection in my mouth. I can't even make myself sleep all day! I had a hard time Thursday. Maybe on Sunday I'll keep myself up until 6 just to be able to sleep until Noon so I won't be dead dog tired at 10, which is an hour and a half before I get off work.

I fixed my friends internets today. It's the weekend, so I'm at her pad. It's been down for a while. Man, Airports are a pain in the ass. Melissa, my hat's off to you for working at Apple so long. Which, by the way, I was fixing to call you but didn't want to give you flash backs. But I found the problem. I'm actually online on it right now. I should really have a more tech centered job. I'm thinking about saving up some monies, or using my hopefully obscenely large tax return (yeah, when I filled out my paper work? I opted for them to take the max amount out of my check, and within this fiscal year, I've been enrolled in at least 6 hours of college and will be paying student loans) and getting A+ certified independently.

I'm going to go back to enjoying my soda, eating Reese's, triple fudge brownies, crying at CSI, and generally PMSing.

Mmmm Oatmeal

So, I gots my teeth pulled out the other day, and it went really good.

Right now I'm having a bowl of buttery cinnamon oatmeal, or some crap like that. How much more soft and nutritious can you get?

Anyway, my dentist is awesome. I didn't feel a thing. I druggedly professed my love to her afterwards. I really didn't feel a thing. Not even after the Novocaine wore off. I was a little sore, I mean, just from having pieces of enamel ripped from my jaw, but no real *pain* to speak of. I realized yesterday that I'd pretty much been in constant pain. When I looked at the teeth, the widsom tooth was all yellow. Like, rotten yellow. I'm thinking the constant pain, tiredness, and grumpies were because of this constant infection. I'm glad it's out.

I took yesterday off, along with the day of the extraction, just to rest, but I couldn't sit still! I went and got my oil changed, a tire fixed, my radio installed, I had lunch with a good friend.. Man it was a great day, but I am ready to go back to work. Just today, and than it's the weekend. I even got up early today and went and got my hairs did!

Now it's too bad I got my favorite soda in the fridge that I can't drink until I'm healed more. The carbonated water can dissovle the clots.. or upset them.. or something. I don't remember how it works exactly but I'm not going to find out. My clots are nice.

Why Is It...

Yes yes. At four in the morning I toss and turn, thinking of all the possible reasons why something is the way it is.

Take, for instance, the fact that since I've started carrying a purse, I'm called "ma'am" and "lady."
Doors are opened, and I'm not even showing cleavage. It's not to say it didn't happen before my brain was kidnapped by the purse carrying gnomes, it just happens more now.

Also, why is it spaghetti seems to taste better in a bowl as opposed to a plate? I actually think I know the answer to this one. Usually, when spaghetti is made and eaten off a plate, it's fresh. My momma (yes, my mother is a great cook. I'll take her food over anything else you'll throw at me, no matter who made it, how good you think it is, or how expensive it is. Mom food = the best food on the planet) oh crap. I completely forgot where that sentence was going. Anyway, I think the answer is in the timing. See, I eat it off a plate when it's fresh because it's dinner time. Even though we are a heathenish family, we've been known to use plates and silverware. I usually eat it out of a bowl as a midnight snack, lunch, or dinner the next night. After the flavors have had time to stew and blend and get yummified in the fridge. Which, right now it's the wonderous mom-food that I'm snacking on right now while blogging instead of sleeping.

Going back to the purse, why the hell do I have sooooo much crap in there? Looking through the contents you'd think I'd be ready to get stuck in the rain while reading a book with super small print, while simuteneously getting a migraine headache and having an irresitable urge to move the music files on the flash drive onto my computer while getting ready for a date , charge my mp3 player, manicure my nails and paint them *takes a breath* if I ever had a day like this, then I would have used everything or most everything that is in my purse at this moment.

GOD WHY? Who needs all that crap?

I do, apparently. Along with some Valium and a nice hot bath. I'll be ookies. ;)

---

Alright. Now that's out of my system, news. My moms doing better as far as her belly surgery. She's having her kidney operated on October 9th. So, if you would, even if you're just a passer-by of this blog, pray for her. Even if it's just hoping for a moment she's okay, it's human energy and inspiration sent in a positive direction. She can use good hopes, prayers, everything. Well, me too. And my dad. After being married to her for over 30 years, he's still crazy about her, and just looks lost and generally upset when she has been in the hospital. He'll sleep on the couch he misses her so much. Yeah, he's got it pretty bad for her.

Next up, I'm having some teeth taken out Wednesday. Pray for good drugs, eh? I'm kinda nervous about it. Not so much the pain. Just, teeth. Being taken out. But, I'll be in a lot less pain than what I've been experiencing the last few months. And, I'll be able to chew easier again. And, on both sides of my mouth, not just one! That's been my mantra lately. I'm excited about the results, just not too gun-hoe about the procedure.

Last time I had teeth taken out, I'd been shot with a bee bee gun and damn near bit the dentists finger off. I was 6.

Still have the bee bee lodged in the throat, too. Shows up on x-rays clear as day. How cool is that? Maybe one day I'll scan it and post it.

Lazy Libra

I am, and have been called, a Lazy Libra. I work 40 hours a week, and when it's done, it's time to sleep.

It's true.

There's been a lot of stuff going on lately, tho.
I got moved out of International Ops into Domestic Ops. Which is awesome, love all the boys I work with. Probably most likely not going to Winston-Salem. Which sucks, but, I'm okay with it.

My mom had surgery last week. She's doing great, tho. She has more stuff coming up. They found something on her kidney when they did the CAT scan to find out what was wrong with her belly. It's probably renal cancer. Not sure what to think/feel about that yet. So, more later. She has her pre-op appointment on the 30th, which is my birthday. That sucks, but what can you do? They might do the pre-op stuff early, depending on how she heals from Thursday.

Alright. That's all I got. Love you guys.

Have You Ever Noticed...

That when balls are hanging just right, they look like a heart?

Dear Blogspot

I'm sorry I neglect you, I'm somewhat of a workaholic.

And I might go to North Carolina for my job. Well, they said no not to upset my department (because it would be for someone in another department) but they're going to move me out of my department into the one I would be traveling to help train/do whatever, but I haven't gotten the balls to ask if it was still a possibility. I hope it is. Hope for me. Oh, and hope that I grow some balls.

Your friend, as always,
BJ
God's random joke.

Singing, Screaming, Kissing, Tugging

On the sleeve of how it used to be.

Yeah, so I've been on a total Kimya Dawson kick lately. It's pretty cool. I <3 her.

Anyway, so, I decided to stay in Exports for now. I get all my hours, and a bit of over time every week. Which is cool. I was lucky to get 35 hours in Data Entry when I was there. I think my boss might think I'm a finicky bitch. Which is cool, because it's true. Some days I like it, some days I hate it, other days I'm pretty neutral towards it. I guess any job is going to be like that.

I've decided to start knitting again. I hope I can keep up with it. I love it, and I'm really good at it. But I don't knit much. I need to need to need to finish Melissa's stuff. Yeah, I suck Melissa. Well, not really, but, I feel like an asshole.

I subscribed to Netflix, too. It's awesome. I like watching weird movies and movies I've seen and movies I've wanted to see. So, if you guys have any suggestions, I'll add them no matter what. The other super cool thing about Netflix, is you can buy used movies for like, 5 bucks (and some change, free shipping!). The suck thing is, they don't have The Emporer's New Groove, which I don't have on DVD. So, Bek, man, I sooooooo prayed when I searched for it. But my search came up fruitless. I've got a few other things up my sleeve, though. I've been wanting to watch it again.

So, job is good, I'm staying entertained otherwise.. and other than that, car is bad. Well, love the car. LOVE MY CAR. My mechanic? Not so much. I had to have it worked on twice within a two week period, for the same thing, and first got stranded on my way to the ER (absessed tooth) and second at the Green Muse. So, I'm thinking about sucking it up, and finding another mechanic, and just igoring the one I have now. Getting my A/C fixed is going to be expensive. This heat is killing me.

Alright, I'm going to go knit and sleep or something. Loves.

Vag Talk At GM

So, me and Melissa were hanging up at the Green Muse last night (where I do most of my writing.. as a matter of fact, I'm here now) and, as always, had the greatest conversation. It was a conversation about everything, stuff that sucks, stuff that doesn't suck, and our vaginas. I love talking about my vagina. Not to shock people, but just because it's a part of my body and has it's own very distinct personality at times.

Unfortunately during this conversation, we were squeezed pretty tight next to some random guy. The place was kind of packed. I remember at one point talking very openly about just how finicky my vagina can be. And it is finicky as shit, let me tell you. Well, it was unfortunate for the guy sitting next to me, I think.

Poor guy.

In other news, Melissa added me to the Small Happies blog, which is a collaborative effort between (now) me and four other people. Melissa started it a couple months ago in an attempt (I think) to take time to appreciate the little things in life. Anyway, check it out. There's definately something for everyone with that many people and interests contributing to it. I'm looking forward to it. I made my first post yesterday.

Oh yeah, and to update what I wrote yesterday, I talked to my surrogate child today and all is well. They got all the water cleaned up, no one at his house got hurt or anything. Just a little water logged. I didn't hear from him until later this evening. I could have strangled the little shit, but, what can you do? I told him I was worried and asked why he didn't call, and I know my tone was edging on bitching-in-30 (30 seconds, mind you) when he said, "I know. I'm sorry." The way he said it melted me and the bitch backed off into her cage. So, he's okay. The house is kind of okay. All the animals are fine, etc etc.

Now I must go. My vagina hungers and I require a cookie.

Hurricane Dolly

So, my somewhat sugary lover's son lives in Mission, Texas.

Mission is about 15 miles from the eye of where Tropical Storm Dolly is right now. I'm a little worried. I've been talking with him on the phone on and off all day. But I'm still worried, because it isn't over.

Keep him in your happy thoughts. The house where he lives is flooding. His mother is a royal bitch. I'm also listening into a conference call between Jimmy and her because the only person his son can call is me right now because of his phone. He can call me without using his cell minutes. And I can get him in contact with his dad.

Yeah. So, also pray that I don't pull my phone off mute and bitch her out.

Juno

I watched Juno twice this weekend. I <3 that movie.

I really really really REALLY want to go see Dark Knight.

Really.

:D

The One Thing

This week's been pretty good. Today was good. I got a raise this week.. and today I asked for my old position back. I was stumbling, and came across the one thing that could ever make me sad, and that's this:

And it's because I miss my kitty. A couple months ago, I took in the sweetest kitty ever. I'm pretty sure he was part Siamese, and had a bit of sneaky-long-haired-cat-down-the-street in him. He was found in the rain by a homeless couple a friend of mine talks to and occasionally helps out. So, she brought him up to the coffee shop, took up a collection, and I took him home. A pet is a hell of a commitment. I'm not much of a cat person, but he made me one.
I had him for about a month, and noticed he hadn't grown. Someone told me he probably had, I just hadn't noticed, because I see him all the time. I disagreed. Then one day his belly plumped out. I knew there was something wrong with him. I asked my mom to take him to the vet, and I was pretty sure whatever it was, it was fatal, and there wasn't anything anyone could do. After all, I do have the Googles. The next day he was put down. That was a few weeks ago. I miss him terribly. That same night I went to my friend Melissa's house, and she threw her kitten in my lap. I sat there and cried. I miss holding him. I miss playing with him.
When I stumbled across this photo.. it reminded me of the small piece of my life that I've been missing. I've toyed with the idea of getting another kitten. I have cats, don't get me wrong. Epoch was special. He was really special. He was the only cat that I took off the street. Even though life is good, and I'm happier than I've been in a while, there's still a kitty shaped piece missing. I can't just replace him, either. I've decided when there's another really special kitty out there, we'll find each other. Until then, I'll have to do without a little kitty.

Swiped

Because I can, and because I love crap like this.

Eight things I am passionate about:
1. My faith.
2. Astrology.
3. Honesty.
4. Fairness.
5. Coffee.
6. Key-Lime Pie.
7. Being in love with myself and life in general.
8. Good/True friends.

Eight things I would like to do before I die:
1. Go to Disneyland.
2. Go to London.
3. Make enough money (if only for a month) to not live paycheck to paycheck.
4. Marry.
5. Stop picking my hair.
6. Ride on a motorcycle.
7. See the Oracle at Delphi in Greece.
8. Own a pair of Prada shoes (I know... I know..)

Eight things I say a lot:
1. Man.... Dude...
2. Dude.
3. Man.
4. Shut the fuck up.
5. In your butt (in response to something like "where's the remote?")
6. Fuck this shit.
7. Douchebag (or douchebaggory)
8. Dick (usually in a sentence like "that guy's just a dick."

My dad was a sailor. Still is at heart... what can I say?

Eight books I have read
1. Where The Red Fern Grows
2. The Stand
3. Clan Of The Cave Bear
4. The Mists of Avalon
5. The Power of Myth
6. Harry Potter et al.
7. Different Seasons
8. The Witching Hour

Eight movies I have seen eight times:

1. The Emperors' New Groove
2. Dogma
3. Good Morning Vietnam
4. Troy
5. 300
6. Serenity
7. Pride and Prejudice
8. I Am Sam

Stole this from Bek's Blog. So there's five bits of eights you never thought you'd want to know about me. :D

A Moment

I'm happy to report that today I'm the person I've always wanted to be.

I'm finally old enough

To appreciate The Smashing Pumpkins.

To balance my cheque book.

To want to settle down a bit. Maybe not -settle- and perhaps not get get -married- but settle down nonetheless.

---

I've been going through a lot of internal stuff lately. Not fun. The more I experience, the more I think I was really bad in a past life or god's got a sick sense of humor. I don't even know how to explain it. Part of me feels selfish. Really fucking selfish. Part of me feels as though it's perfectly okay, and probably normal, to feel the way I've been feeling about the situations around me. Most affect me directly. Some are just residue. That's cool. I can hang with that. For the most part.

I'm not even sure how to explain it. Or that I want to yet. By the time it's processed and uploaded, I'm pretty sure I'll be over it. I kinda think I'm PMSing, too. I've been a tad more emotional than what I'm used to. I feel like a dumb girl. I also feel, however, that maybe my upbringing or beliefs are way different from the people around me. More and more often I'm stopped in my tracks by someone's blatant rude behavior. For the most part I'm unsure about how much I actually care about the outcome of the situation, I'm usually stuck on the part where someone's rudeness slighted me.

I'm going to live through this. Even if it kills me.

It's time to take an inventory of the people in my life. Totally. It's time to cut some people, and try and draw other people closer in. The people who care for me, who love me, and are at my side through thick in thin. Those are the people I need. They're the people I desire. They're the ones more deserving of my love, well, love in general, than anyone else. The people who think it's okay to justify an action using some lame excuse or reason, who back stab, who are untrustworthy, and the douche bags have got to go.

But.. I hate being rude to people. Ugh.

This Just In

Yeah. I live under a rock. No, that's no supposed to be news.

This, however, is: Madonna is still hot as fuck.

That is all.

Melissa, I Feel Your Pain

I just had one of my mens change my other back tire. This one has a screw in it. The last one, which I just barely had fixed, which is the one on the OTHER side, had a nail in it. Also, I washed my car. It'll probably rain tomorrow.

You'd be amazed at how much bird shit you can drive around with.

That is all. Back to work!

American Consumerism

It's fucking disgusting, people. Stop it. Stop buying shit (particularly shit made in China) that's way over priced and is going to break in a month anyway. Stop buying shit you don't need, just because it's pretty. Stop buying shit that sounds too good to be true, because it probably is. Stop buying shit because you think it'll make your life easier. STOP BUYING SHIT. Stop buying purses, shoes, single clothing items, and other stupid over priced shit that's more than a hundred dollars.

I was flipping through the T.V. earlier and caught a blip from an infomercial of some body suit that's supposed to make you 'lose' two inches. The women wearing it enthusiastically said, "image is everything." I changed the channel. To her and the product she's endorsing I say fuck you. You're part of the problem.

Life isn't about what you have or what you look like. It's about being happy. It's about love, not being in love or being loved, but it's about loving. It's about kindness. It's about letting that guy turn in front of you even though you don't have to. It's about buying your co-working lunch and hoping she never pays you back. It's about patting your dog or cat on the head every night before you go to bed. It's about smiling and saying, "How are you?" to someone you may never ever converse with again. People don't make you happy. Things don't make you happy. Only your own simple pleasures can. Only you can make you happy.

"For that which you seek you find not within yourself, you'll never find it without. For behold, I was with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire." - The Charge Of The Goddess, written by Doreen Valiente.

It is what it is.

Wow, this week's gone by fast. I talked to the gay guy from the previous post, and he's immune to the Mono. Which is awesome. I'm thinking I was feeling bad last weekend because my wisdom tooth was giving me hell. It abscessed a few years ago, and since then it's gone back and forth from completely fine to horribly painful. Last weekend we were on a horribly painful bender. The weird thing is, it hurt right up until about 5am Monday morning, then boom, nothing. No pain. I fell asleep and was jubilant enough to go to work.

It crossed my mind ever so briefly to call in dead. But I've been feeling really good all week. I took on a new little kitten, I'll have pictures soon up on my flickr. They're already on my Myspace. He is very cute. I've named him Epoch, because that's my coffee shops name and that's where I adopted him from.

Alright, I have the sleepy. But, before I go, one quick story. I was hanging with a friend the other night, and we were both starving, so, we decided to go to Wendy's. Before we'd left, my friend was on a "I spent the best years of my life fighting for this country, and for what?" bender. Yeah. He was in the military. Something to do with guns, special forces. I don't know. He doesn't talk much about it.

So, we go to Wendy's and he orders some of those new chicken wraps. All the same, homestyle. The first one he eats is spicy, "This shit is spicy! This isn't what I ordered." I was quiet, mentally torn between suggesting we go back and tear someone a new asshole - but gas is really really expensive - and telling him to shut the fuck up and eat.

He laughed, out of no where. "I spent the best years of my life fighting for this country so that some immigrant I'm not even sure is legal could fuck up my order at Wendy's. That's great."

Sadly, I couldn't control my laughter. I told him I was going to write it down. Not that he internets, but, here it is. The best thing I'd heard all fucking week.

Irony

So, I might have picked up Mono. I've been feeling really exhausted lately, doing my normal activities, I've had a low-mid grade fever off and on, and my body is just sore. I've never had Mono before, so no immunity. It's apparently going around my home Coffee Shop.

The Irony?

I picked it up from a gay guy. Yeah. God has a randomly odd sense of humor sometimes. I'll be okay. Hopefully it won't last long, I'm really healthy and generally my body fights off sickness with little difficulty.

This is where I'm going to throw in my "germs are good for you" plug. Mono is like the Chicken Pox in the way that if you get it as a child, you go through the stages, are uncomfortable for a while, but are ultimately generally fine. It's rare for children to have complications from the Chicken Pox. The same with Mono. If you get it as an adult, on the other hand, you can end up with some serious shit. So, if any of yous has kids or are of the age where you could fight it up and be just fine, give me a ring. I'm probably still contagious.

Also, I would like to take a moment to point out reason #245 of why I could never be a doctor: I would glance at your chart, glance at you, and look back at your chart and simply say, "You're fucked."
My bed side manner sucks.

Cupid

So, here lately I've been lazy. And that's cool, I can dig it. Some of the people around me can't, and that's cool. If you're wondering if this affects them, the answer's yes. And yeah, that's fucked up. I just have a few things to catch up on. It'll be all good.

I hung out with my friend Melissa last night. And Meli, I know you read these things sometimes. I didn't know what to say. All I know is watching you cry makes me want to stab someone, preferable the person who made you cry. I love you more than anything on this planet. I would die for you, and even better, help you hide a few bodies in a few key undisclosed locations.

Bodily function alert: I am PMSing. Not bleeding, no, the PMS comes before the bleeding of the vagina and the not dying. So, I've been kind of cruel. Well, not kind of. I came over to my 'friends' house, and we were laying here watching T.V. and he was laying on this pillow. It occurred to me that I didn't want him laying on that pillow. Don't ask why. Just don't. So when he got up I snatched it up and put it somewhere else. Wasn't even using it. When he layed back and noticed it was missing, he asked why I moved it, so I said, "So you couldn't lay on it."
"Wait, what?"
me, "You looked uncomfortable."
He answered, sarcastically, "yeah. I was SO VERY uncomfortable."

We laughed. He called me an asshole. It was beautiful.

Patterns and Circles and Flying Monkeys

Okay, so, for the longest time I've been trying to figure out why I get attached so some guys that I sleep with, yet not to others, who are more or less great men, but, just don't do it for me. Love and sex have always been two completely independent things for me. Very rarely have the two ever come together.

I noticed lately, after a few sleepless nights, that I'm falling for someone I probably shouldn't. Part of me feels like a dumb girl, part of me's used to it, and part of me is so tired of everything it doesn't give a shit.

The pattern I see is this, and this is for like, love love. Not that crazy "OMG I'm all attached to you in a very unhealthy way" 'love'. Anyway, pattern is thus: I'm given/offered something I lacked and needed as a child.

Whether it's nurturing or attention, it just feels so good to me, because it's something I've only ever known in adulthood. Here lately, protection. I realized it immediately. You know when you're falling for someone, and when I knew, I knew why, and it dawned on me. I fall in love with men who have the potential to help heal my very broken childhood. I like feeling safe. I never felt safe. I still don't at times, I'm hyper aware to this day of the things going on around me. With this man I feel like I can exhale and sit completely down. And relax.

So, I'm sad because I hate falling, but happy because it feels nice to look forward to someone's smile, and also neurotic because I have no idea what the hell.

So here are some lyrics that I think are applicable. It's a song called Desolation bye Russell Clepper. You can here it on his Myspace page here. So go listen, mmkay?


Desolation

Desolation, my old friend,
I see your empty spaces grin.
Like demons who just can't stop laughin,
Desolation, home again.

Friends and lovers come and go
These empty chairs sing their echoes
These mute bed sheets, holding their folds
Desolation's soundless woe

Hope and angels float away
They'll not return some other day
The stars they speak, but all they say is
Desolation's out this way.

My virtues have all been cast aside
My heart spring's all filled in and dried
My bravest dreams must be denied
Desolation's long dark night.

Vain belief. Useless sun.
Wasted courage. Forsaken fun.
Only beyond this horizon
Desolation's the only one.

Desolation, my old friend
I see your empty spaces grin.
I feel the nails rust through my skin
Desolation, you old has been.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

So, I'm a day late, but what do you expect from a Pagan? Sometimes we're kinda lazy.

So, Happy Belated Zombie Jesus Day to all my cool Christian friends. Happy Easter to all my stoogy republican Christian friends. And a very very belated happy Ostara to all my Pagan friends.

Now that I've addressed all three of you, let's move on.

I'm starting to hate the credit game. Well, I've never been particularly fond of it, but today it's really working my last nerve. I'm a good girl when it comes to this stuff, too. I'm not the shining example for using credit wisely, but for not having a job for so long and having four cards, I think I've done alright.

When you pay things online, and I can't emphasis this enough. Always, always always ALWAYS save your confirmation numbers. I didn't think it was a big deal until today. I'd scheduled a payment to post March 21. I did the scheduling on like, the 13th. So, I figured it had plenty of time to get into the system and post when do. Man, was I wrong. They called Sunday morning. Easter. Fucking. Sunday. At 9 o'clock. I was asleep, so obviously didn't answer the phone.

They called again, today. And I saw that it wasn't showing a number, which screams I owe someone money. I answered the phone. We went through the what card and account it was about, etc etc. When he said I hadn't made a payment was when I stopped him and let him know I scheduled it on the 13th to post on the due date. He said there was no record.

Really? Aw shucks. I was almost convinced you were calling to make sure my Easter was right nice.

So, he tells me to get the confirmation number, which I still have, and call back. The kicker is the zero key doesn't work on my phone. So I use my friends phone and go through the most fucked up automated system I've ever been exposed to. Ads. This thing has fucking ads in it. Is it not enough I pay way too much in interest on this card because it's for a department store, that you have to assault me with ads when I call?
But wait, it gets better.
The menu is damn near impossible to navigate. I could hear my account information in Spanish before I could talk to a live person. I went in circles with this thing, "No I don't care about the balance. I know the balance. I already scheduled the payment..." So I started mashing the zero key, which I was told years ago defaults you to an operator. which does work if you're not in a menu that's wanting numbers. So, it didn't work. Last thing I heard before I hung up was "To inform us of your payment of zero dollars on an account owing zero dollars..." *CLICK*

Fuck.

My friend's ex wife calls. That was pleasant. So I come home and try again. Apparently this place is only open until 8 EST. Which is 9 CST. Which was about thirty minutes before I started calling them.

I wish I could email them this, what I just wrote. To let them know how shitty their automated system is, mainly. I'm going to get right on that tomorrow afternoon.

Sometimes, you have to leave the corpses in plain sight.

So, I wanted to rely my wonderful experience buying yeast infection cream at 4am at Walgreens. Yeah. Lots of musing lately.

So I walk in there, it's 4am. Get my cream, decide to buy a soda so I don't just walk in there buying yeast infection cream all by itself at 4am.

The guy checking me out decides to make conversation. Now, pause a moment, when I get yeast infections, I feel sore a day, then BAM. Itchy. Twitchy. Twat. I'm sure he was just being nice, or whatever, but he says
"So, you had a nice night so far?"
And I reply, while thinking, my vagina's on fire. My night has sucked.
"It's been alright I guess." Twitch.
"Can't sleep?" He says.
Hell no. My twat. It itches. Put the shit in the bag, so I can go use it. I'm not buying it 'just in case' I might come up with a yeast infection between now and 2009, I'm buying it because my shit itches. Like now.
"Nah. I work late, takes me a bit to wind down." I say.

Finally, antifungal cream is in the bag and I am home free.

That's my story. I'm a bit better now. The itching calmed down. I want sex.

Important. Srsly.

I remembered yesterday how much I completely love Jars of Clay's first album.

Also, I'm getting a yeast infection.

That is all.

Start Wearing Purple Wearing Purple

So, today I opened up this email about this soldier and his last words. I haven't crossed referenced it on snopes yet, but, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit.

The world is much more complex than we will ever know. How do I know?
I really don't.

Back to this email, it got me thinking. The world is much more complex than we will ever know because of one significant thing: perception. Also what we've been told plays a huge role. For instance, it is my opinion, based on my perception, which is based on the facts I've been told, that the war in Iraq is a mercenary mission we as Americans shouldn't be willing to sacrifice for. The facts I've been told are thus: They had weapons of mass destruction, WMD's are bad, we should do something to them before they do something to us. Kinda made sense to me, kinda it didn't. Over the course of this war a grand total of absolutely no WMDs have been found.

World complexity starts here. We hear things about bringing these people democracy. There are so many loaded questions with this topic alone. Do they want it? Is that our place in the world? How is this not like the Christian Crusades bringing salvation to heathens while killing the ones who refused?

We can think what we think based on what we think we've been told. Truth is, we'll never really know just sitting here. There's quite a bit of military blood in my family. I have the utmost respect for the people who serve our country, theirs is a truly noble and honorable sacrifice. So, know that when I type I don't agree with the war. But, I'm also willing to admit I don't know all there is to know. I don't think anyone ever will.

Showtunes

There have been many stuck in my head the last few days. Right now it's that "We could be heros, forever and ever.." from Moulin Rouge, although I'm sure that's not the only place it's used. The other day it was "I could have danced all night" from My Fair Lady.

Yeah. Life. It rocks.

Because

Because I work a lot, I haven't written a whole lot.

Because hours have been cut, I am sitting and writing now.

Lots have things have happened. I started my third week at my job today. Yay me. I still love my car. My parents took a vacation for VD day, it was nice to have a break even though I worked all that week.

I've been watching old movies lately. They're celebrating 80 years of Oscars on TCM this month and part of next. I discovered a love for James Cagney. So, for Christmas I should be easy to shop for ;).

I had to get reading glasses for work. I feel old, but after using them all day my eyes don't feel half as tired as they used to.

So, that's been about my life. Work. Coffee. Cigarettes, and Patrick. Patrick is my good friend. He's cute. He's funny. He's a homo. I loves him. He's as big of a whore as I am. :D

Simple Creature

I really am just a simple creature.

I like grape soda. I like the way my toes feel in the sand. I like it when my nephew points at me and says "Uh!"

I like my new job. I'm catching a lot of hell because I've been in school to be something else upon growing up. I haven't decided if I'm still going to get my degree (I know Melissa. I know). I'm just not sure I want to be a paralegal anymore. If you guys knew how people who've studied law are chastised for not pursuing jobs in the legal field upon graduation, I think you'd understand. While having *a* degree is good. Generally people don't care about what it's in (unless you're applying for, say, and engineering job, but you're an english major). But when it comes to law you get this air of "what the fuck is wrong with you?" Like, "You can make fifty million trillion dollars in a week and you're not and I want to know why."

It's different than most other career paths, trust me. Lawyers have it even worse. They get raked over the coals.

Right now, I'm working on keeping my degree in simple creaturism. I love you guys. I appreciate it that you care about how and where my life goes. I'd also appreciate it if you'd try and understand my decision for the time being.

Quick Update

While I'm stuff my face I just wanted to do some writing. I've been writing a lot lately for other things, but not here.

I bought a car and am looking for a place to do my internship to get my degree. I need a place to work last month. Actually I think I have a *little* time.

I love the car. It's a 93 Ford Taurus. Drives smooth. Clean title. Good tags. Pretty good gas mileage for it being a Ford and an old one at that.

Started bowling again. I used to bowl when I was young, before I moved to Austin, on a league. I loved it. I still do. Although my body isn't in such good shape (there's something not right about my hip..).

The hamburger meat my sister-in-law made with/for dinner is disgusting. Everything else is pretty good because it came out of a can. But whatever, I didn't have to cook it so it's being shoveled in.

The mushroom supplement I've been taking? Fucking awesome. If anyone wants to try any I'd be happy to give you a couple packs of tea, coffee (black and creamed and sugared), or hot cocoa to try. If you like it, great. I signed up as a distributor so you'd be helping out my situation. If not, no biggie. It doesn't have the same effect on everyone. Some people's body chemistry will respond well, others not at all. It's natural and the only side effect that I know of is if you take too much over an extended amount of time you get nosebleeds. But that amount is above and beyond even the kind of results I'm getting.

If anyone cares, what it does is help restore your body to it's natural balance. You can find information about it on the wikipedia here. It's known as the reishi mushroom in Japan and Lingzhi in China. It's referred to as the king of herbs. There are various videos on youtube and google video that have information on it. If ever anyones interested, just let me know and I'll hook you up.

One more plug, hehehe. I was in Corpus this last weekend and went walking on the bay. If not for the pain in my hip, I felt like I had the energy to walk forever. I was staying downtown, so everything I needed was within walking distance and walk I did. I didn't get winded, and most of you who know me know I smoke. Hell, I walked up a hill in downtown Austin and didn't get winded at all. It was a nice feeling. So, for me, it has improved my circulation.

Anyway, I'm off to go bowl now that I've digested some food and some thought.

Jesus.Fucking.Christ.

If my days continue to be productively unproductive, I'm shooting someone and the dog.

I was assured today there's a special place in hell for me, and I'm going to have a friend when I get there. It's because I have sent this picture out in email:
So, yeah.

Other than that, the frustrations include looking for a car, a place to do my internship. Looking for a car.. a place to do my internship. I feel so fucking inept. Why does life have to be so hard?

And So...

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Highlights (not as in hair...)

Since life has primarily sucked lately and I don't like bitching here, I wanted to write down some funny stuff that's happened to me lately.

I learned a new phrase, that I refuse to use in public for obvious reasons: Fuck Trophy. A fuck trophy is the child of someone who's divorced or broken up with the mother or father of said child. It was taught to me by a very very very bad man.

I hope when you read this, Melissa, you lure me only to stab me. I'm too much of a pussy to commit suicide, and, life... I suck at it.

Seriously, though, what's wrong with me? I have more experience in computers than anything, yet I'm getting an associates degree to be a paralegal. I mean, what the fuck? My resume has more about coding in HTML and CSS, I've spent more time trouble shooting Linux, and I've actually been administrating a web site (soon to be bumped up to three) for several months. The thing I hate is the closer I get to finishing this, the more I love and regret it. Somehow I have to make this translate to "I'm a great critical thinker and worth my weight in gold when it comes to research." But I've no idea how. Resumes... I suck at them. Finding jobs.. I suck at that too. Usually the way I found jobs is talking to people. I mean, people like me, I have charisma or something... and we talk about the different shit I do and I'm good at, and chances are I can do, and love to do, something they need.

Alright, I can't do it. </funnystuff>

<bitch>
When I talked to the dean of the department I got the distinct impression that I was supposed to be working a month ago. He laughed when I told him I didn't have a job and hadn't found a place to intern yet. I had no idea until today what it was I was supposed to be looking for. I thought I could find a job as a file clerk, but apparently that's not entirely true. I have to have at least a part time thing under the super vision of an attorney. That information is very helpful. So he gave me a number, I called the lady and left her a message. I'm going to call again tomorrow. I'm still trying to get my resume together just in case there's a small ice cubish chance in hell I might be able to get a paying job. That would be really really nice.

In the words of the immortal Captain Malcolm Reynolds, "I do the job. Then I get paid for the job."
</bitch>

Last night I hung out with my friend Melissa and our friend Benson. When I was leaving I swear to god he was flirting with me. We'd talked about how I don't much care for men under the age of thirty, and Benson in all his wisdom told me, "Why? You're not looking for a relationship. Just fuck them." Cue Melissa, "Yeah. And call me. We'll talk about CSS." I'm considering this idea.. Anyway, so as I was leaving Benson puts his hands up, in the shape of the HTML tags <> and says "br," all sexy like, so I respond, in the same manner, "p." From there we digressed to machine code, "1-0-1-0-0-0-1." It was hot, I had to wash.

<bitch kinda>
So I got to hang out with Sharon last night, too. The wife of my friend who died. Well, they're both friends. I guess I'm depressed a bit about it. I don't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Well, that's not entirely true. I like talking to people and making them laugh, and being able to laugh myself. But still, I'm depressed. I laid in bed after today's hugely underrated success and masturbated.
</bitch kinda>

I came.
Twice.

<major bitch>
This is going to be cryptic on purpose. But there's someone on this earth. I hate him. I hate him because I think about him. I think about him because I have feelings for him. I hate having feelings for him. I just fucking hate him.. because I still think about him.
</major bitch>

Alright. My coffee cup's empty... I'm off to lobby to make such things illegal..

Asleep For The Last Time

Last year I took my dog into the vet, and the vet found some things she wanted to remove. A few teeth and this lump that might have been cancer on her thigh. I was very nervous. I didn't sleep the night before. I took her up to the vet but didn't want to leave her. Cosmoe's old, I wasn't sure how she was going to do with the being put under thing. So, I was scared. I called the High Priestess in my coven, because she lives not so far from my vet, and told her want was going on and asked if I could come to her house after I dropped off my dog. She said she'd be happy if I came over.
So I dropped off the dog and hung out with her and her husband. We drank coffee and talked for few hours. Her husband was significantly older than she was. He had a string of health problems, diabetes, he'd had his foot amputated. I remember him saying, "Now, when I go.." and he said what he wanted to say and began crying.
I'll always be grateful they were there for me. It was a hard day, and the days after because Cosmoe didn't have a bad reaction to the anesthesia, but she was real slow and disoriented.
I've always treasured time when them.
Her husband had a stroke last August.
When I saw them a month or so later, and I was standing there talking to him it actually took me a little while to get the fact that I couldn't understand a word coming out of his mouth. I was shocked, I didn't know it was so bad. I kind of gave him a hug (it's hard to do a full on good one when someone's in a chair) and went and found my High Priestess. I couldn't imagine what she was going through, or what it was like, to live with him and not even understand what he was saying. I gave her a hug, I'm still not sure if it was more for me or her or for both of us. I told her I had no idea, and if she ever ever needed anything I'm never more than a phone call away. I'm busy, yes, but never too busy to help her.
He passed away yesterday morning, it may have even been Friday night. We're not sure yet. That's a phone call I've been anticipating since I saw him that night. I'll miss him. I'll miss how happy he made this women I know. I'll miss walking into their home to hear a western in the back ground on the T.V. I'll miss his stories. I can still hear his voice in my head, saying, "You know.. when I was quiet a bit younger..."
I hope one day I'm so lucky as to lay down the man I love, kiss him, tell him I love him, and watch him sleep for the last time. Or on the other side, where he lays me down, tells me he loves me, and watches me sleep for the last time.

There are many incredible people in my life. I treasure you guys, and them, pretty much everyone I encounter. I hope everyone's had a great weekend.

Stuff I Realized Today

I didn't post my resolutions yesterday, so here they are.

1. I do hereby resolve and decree that I will have more crazy, nasty, strange, and at times more kinky sex than last year. I will of course keep this action in the realm of safety, carefully choosing participants and latex barriers between mucus membranes.

2. I do hereby resolve and decree to let the people who are special to me know how special they are. I will do so in person or in a real time atmosphere. The things I tell people will be genuine and not suck ass in nature.

3. I do hereby resolve and decree to blog more, even if it's stupid shit.

4. I do hereby resolve and decree to get a fucking job.

Moving on..

That mushroom stuff my friend gave me (from yesterday's post) FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Already, aside from the whole colon cleansing aspect. I have energy, more often than not I don't even want to get out of bed. This morning? Bright eyed and bushy tailed like I've never felt. I feel like my circulation is better. Usually I get cold as shit, but all day today I've felt the cold a little bit, but my teeth aren't chattering, my hands don't go numb and seem to warm up faster when they're not poked out in the cold, my feet haven't gotten cold at all (I was wearing slippers, but still sitting out in 30 something odd degree weather), and my torso has stayed warm. Usually my back gets real cold to the touch. I've eaten two meals already, and usually by this time I've had toast. My hip, which has been a constant pain my ass for a few months, is sore. It isn't hurting like it has been, it's just a bit sore. I feel more alert, well, awake, than ever. I slept all of six hours and feel fucking great.

Stuff I realized: Just because I have energy doesn't mean I have motivation. My soreness may be from the romp around the back of my van the other night (although all *pain* is gone).

The eating thing is what really amazes me. I've never known myself to eat more than once or twice a day.

Also, a side note, last year I made the quiet resolution to be at or around 200 pounds by the ends of the year. Yesterday I weighed myself. I'm at 203.5. Which is completely fucking awesome.. except.. my pants don't fit anymore...

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone's New Year celebrations were safe and lots and lots of fun.

I hope also, that you wonderful wonderful people who read these bits of text on the web, will take a moment to think of and send love to those families who have loved ones that didn't make it home last night. Even if you don't know anyone personally, take a minute, for me.

Like I said, I hope everyone had a grand time and made lots of drunken resolutions they'll either forget or not be able to keep.

My highlights:
Best New Years text message ever: Before the sun sets, before the memories fade, before the networks get jammed and before I get drunk, get naked and lose my phone, I'm wishing you a happy New Year.
Sent to me from my friend Jeff. He's so sentimental. :D

I got to try Thai food for the first time last night. Ironic that it would be the last time for 2007.

I drank a quad shot of espresso around 9pm and could feel each and every individual hair on my body until around 4 o'clock this morning.

I saw a candle holder that was so "WTF?!" I 1.) started crying I was laughing so hard; 2.) am still amazed someone put effort into this retarded piece of glued wood; and 3.) still can't imagine the original recipient keeping a straight face at the time she received said gift.

I got some strange I've been lusting after for a while (teehee) and it reaffirmed my resolution to have more crazy sex (like, safe, I'm safe, I want you guys to know that) and to stay single as long as I can afford to do so.

I got this coffee drink thing my friend's been telling me about that has these ganoderma mushrooms in it. I tell you what, I shit this afternoon like I haven't shit in about six months. We'll not talk about my horrible colon blockage.. moving on..

I got booty that I've been lusting after for two months, did I mention that? In the words of my friend Hector, who is very wise, it was over 9000.. and the awesome of it was made with pure awesome extract.

All in all, I got to spend some great time with friends. That's what I enjoyed the most. To my friends I didn't get to see last night, you know I love you, and none of us can be everywhere at once, I hope you had a wonderful time and happy 2008!