Patterns and Circles and Flying Monkeys

Okay, so, for the longest time I've been trying to figure out why I get attached so some guys that I sleep with, yet not to others, who are more or less great men, but, just don't do it for me. Love and sex have always been two completely independent things for me. Very rarely have the two ever come together.

I noticed lately, after a few sleepless nights, that I'm falling for someone I probably shouldn't. Part of me feels like a dumb girl, part of me's used to it, and part of me is so tired of everything it doesn't give a shit.

The pattern I see is this, and this is for like, love love. Not that crazy "OMG I'm all attached to you in a very unhealthy way" 'love'. Anyway, pattern is thus: I'm given/offered something I lacked and needed as a child.

Whether it's nurturing or attention, it just feels so good to me, because it's something I've only ever known in adulthood. Here lately, protection. I realized it immediately. You know when you're falling for someone, and when I knew, I knew why, and it dawned on me. I fall in love with men who have the potential to help heal my very broken childhood. I like feeling safe. I never felt safe. I still don't at times, I'm hyper aware to this day of the things going on around me. With this man I feel like I can exhale and sit completely down. And relax.

So, I'm sad because I hate falling, but happy because it feels nice to look forward to someone's smile, and also neurotic because I have no idea what the hell.

So here are some lyrics that I think are applicable. It's a song called Desolation bye Russell Clepper. You can here it on his Myspace page here. So go listen, mmkay?


Desolation

Desolation, my old friend,
I see your empty spaces grin.
Like demons who just can't stop laughin,
Desolation, home again.

Friends and lovers come and go
These empty chairs sing their echoes
These mute bed sheets, holding their folds
Desolation's soundless woe

Hope and angels float away
They'll not return some other day
The stars they speak, but all they say is
Desolation's out this way.

My virtues have all been cast aside
My heart spring's all filled in and dried
My bravest dreams must be denied
Desolation's long dark night.

Vain belief. Useless sun.
Wasted courage. Forsaken fun.
Only beyond this horizon
Desolation's the only one.

Desolation, my old friend
I see your empty spaces grin.
I feel the nails rust through my skin
Desolation, you old has been.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

So, I'm a day late, but what do you expect from a Pagan? Sometimes we're kinda lazy.

So, Happy Belated Zombie Jesus Day to all my cool Christian friends. Happy Easter to all my stoogy republican Christian friends. And a very very belated happy Ostara to all my Pagan friends.

Now that I've addressed all three of you, let's move on.

I'm starting to hate the credit game. Well, I've never been particularly fond of it, but today it's really working my last nerve. I'm a good girl when it comes to this stuff, too. I'm not the shining example for using credit wisely, but for not having a job for so long and having four cards, I think I've done alright.

When you pay things online, and I can't emphasis this enough. Always, always always ALWAYS save your confirmation numbers. I didn't think it was a big deal until today. I'd scheduled a payment to post March 21. I did the scheduling on like, the 13th. So, I figured it had plenty of time to get into the system and post when do. Man, was I wrong. They called Sunday morning. Easter. Fucking. Sunday. At 9 o'clock. I was asleep, so obviously didn't answer the phone.

They called again, today. And I saw that it wasn't showing a number, which screams I owe someone money. I answered the phone. We went through the what card and account it was about, etc etc. When he said I hadn't made a payment was when I stopped him and let him know I scheduled it on the 13th to post on the due date. He said there was no record.

Really? Aw shucks. I was almost convinced you were calling to make sure my Easter was right nice.

So, he tells me to get the confirmation number, which I still have, and call back. The kicker is the zero key doesn't work on my phone. So I use my friends phone and go through the most fucked up automated system I've ever been exposed to. Ads. This thing has fucking ads in it. Is it not enough I pay way too much in interest on this card because it's for a department store, that you have to assault me with ads when I call?
But wait, it gets better.
The menu is damn near impossible to navigate. I could hear my account information in Spanish before I could talk to a live person. I went in circles with this thing, "No I don't care about the balance. I know the balance. I already scheduled the payment..." So I started mashing the zero key, which I was told years ago defaults you to an operator. which does work if you're not in a menu that's wanting numbers. So, it didn't work. Last thing I heard before I hung up was "To inform us of your payment of zero dollars on an account owing zero dollars..." *CLICK*

Fuck.

My friend's ex wife calls. That was pleasant. So I come home and try again. Apparently this place is only open until 8 EST. Which is 9 CST. Which was about thirty minutes before I started calling them.

I wish I could email them this, what I just wrote. To let them know how shitty their automated system is, mainly. I'm going to get right on that tomorrow afternoon.

Sometimes, you have to leave the corpses in plain sight.

So, I wanted to rely my wonderful experience buying yeast infection cream at 4am at Walgreens. Yeah. Lots of musing lately.

So I walk in there, it's 4am. Get my cream, decide to buy a soda so I don't just walk in there buying yeast infection cream all by itself at 4am.

The guy checking me out decides to make conversation. Now, pause a moment, when I get yeast infections, I feel sore a day, then BAM. Itchy. Twitchy. Twat. I'm sure he was just being nice, or whatever, but he says
"So, you had a nice night so far?"
And I reply, while thinking, my vagina's on fire. My night has sucked.
"It's been alright I guess." Twitch.
"Can't sleep?" He says.
Hell no. My twat. It itches. Put the shit in the bag, so I can go use it. I'm not buying it 'just in case' I might come up with a yeast infection between now and 2009, I'm buying it because my shit itches. Like now.
"Nah. I work late, takes me a bit to wind down." I say.

Finally, antifungal cream is in the bag and I am home free.

That's my story. I'm a bit better now. The itching calmed down. I want sex.

Important. Srsly.

I remembered yesterday how much I completely love Jars of Clay's first album.

Also, I'm getting a yeast infection.

That is all.

Start Wearing Purple Wearing Purple

So, today I opened up this email about this soldier and his last words. I haven't crossed referenced it on snopes yet, but, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit.

The world is much more complex than we will ever know. How do I know?
I really don't.

Back to this email, it got me thinking. The world is much more complex than we will ever know because of one significant thing: perception. Also what we've been told plays a huge role. For instance, it is my opinion, based on my perception, which is based on the facts I've been told, that the war in Iraq is a mercenary mission we as Americans shouldn't be willing to sacrifice for. The facts I've been told are thus: They had weapons of mass destruction, WMD's are bad, we should do something to them before they do something to us. Kinda made sense to me, kinda it didn't. Over the course of this war a grand total of absolutely no WMDs have been found.

World complexity starts here. We hear things about bringing these people democracy. There are so many loaded questions with this topic alone. Do they want it? Is that our place in the world? How is this not like the Christian Crusades bringing salvation to heathens while killing the ones who refused?

We can think what we think based on what we think we've been told. Truth is, we'll never really know just sitting here. There's quite a bit of military blood in my family. I have the utmost respect for the people who serve our country, theirs is a truly noble and honorable sacrifice. So, know that when I type I don't agree with the war. But, I'm also willing to admit I don't know all there is to know. I don't think anyone ever will.