C'est La Vie

I've been thinking a lot lately about choices. It seems a handful of people in my life don't quite understand that I've made some decisions. That I will stick by my choices. That there are certain things I want and no amount of pushing me in another direction will change my mind. I've chosen my place. I've chosen my situation. It is my choice. I choose to be kind to people though I've been encouraged to be unkind. And I am the uncivilized animal. I've chosen patience even though I've been encouraged to be a wrecking ball essentially. 

I will always choose what I believe to be the right thing. Justice can be unkind, but I am not justice. I want to give to other human beings what I'd like in return. Selfish, yes. If I don't get it back, eh, c'est la vie, it will not affect my decision. 

Situation Report

So, I'm finally where I can write about what's going on. 

I've been staying with my dad and step-mom the last few weeks. 

I'm getting divorced and just can't live in our apartment. Mainly for their safety. 

I tried this situation. The triad of me, my wife, and my wife's girlfriend. I'm very much not okay with the third. Extramarital sex that means nothing, fucking go for it. A live in girlfriend. Really, just no. It's not for me. I'm not saying it's a bad thing and won't work in any situation. Some people dig that. I don't. And as I got my spirit back I realized that. I realized this entire situation made me miserable. I realized that more than anything, I miss my husband. I'm not saying that my wife as a transgender person is bad. What I am saying is she's not my husband. He's gone. And I miss him so much. 

So, needless to say my life has been bumpy. I don't want to get into details, we've had our spats over the last few weeks. However, today we do hang every now and again, have really decent conversations and I enjoy this time. Although my heart still hearts, and on a certain level I am angry that she took my husband away. 

I thought for a long time that I could love the person inside, because this person inside was blossoming into the person they were supposed to be. A lot of the things I loved about the person inside my husband went away. I don't know if she decided they were not for her or what exactly happened with all that inside of her. All I know is I look at her, and I see someone else. Even on the inside. This person I tried to love, who I don't know. 

To clarify, I'm not leaving her because she's transgender. I'm leaving because I'm miserable and extremely uncomfortable with the relationship. And I have been for a very long time. One blessing is we're all very supportive through this. She listens to my feelings. She doesn't take them personally. And her girlfriend comforts me when I'm over there and just cry. Sometimes I have to go home and cry. And they let me. They cry with me. We all mourn our loss together. It's really kind of amazing. 

The Point

I think a lot of the time people make the mistake of assuming I'm a gentle soul because I am a woman. It is degrading to me, to say the least. 

Most Wiccans believe in the trinity of the Goddess. The Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Few people search for the fourth face. One thing I feel like we do is try and make sense of the world based on these things. Many people identify as the Maiden, that's the phase of life they're in. I've searched and asked, but I am none of these things. My identification is the fourth face, the Warrior aspect. I've read that people lump this aspect in with the Mother. I disagree. While the Mother will defend her children with her last breath, the Warrior will not hesitate to defend what she believes, those she's loyal to, her honor, her country, whatever it is that's in her heart that's of importance. She has much different motivations than the Mother. 

It's been a long time, but more and more I'm getting reacquainted with myself. I know who I am. I know what I am. It makes me shudder, and I am afraid. It fills me with joy, and is my happiness. All of these things, good and bad, are part of me. If we can't accept ourselves for who and what we are, no matter what, than what's the fucking point?

Primal

I've remembered something very valuable about myself. With the help of a friend, of course. 

My core is a primal, jagged, fierce lioness. 

All this time, it's like she's been caged, dying. Now that she's better she wants to run and play, hunt, and roar at the moon. 

My ex taught me the most fundamental thing about her. I have to find a way to channel her, to make her part of myself, and myself part of her, or she would consume me, and effectively kill us. Today it is we. We cannot survive without each other. We do not run alone. She serves as my strength, and I learn more and more how to guide her fierceness. 

When I woke up, she came back in full force. And, hopefully this was the last time in my life this will happen, I had no control of her. I regret people got hurt. It's hard to apologize, because my actions were direct and intentional. Meaning, I meant what I said and did. I can't really apologize for that. I can recognize the hurt, and I can atone for that. But not much else. 

My ex had a similar animal. And he would joke about it. We would laugh about it, but we knew we were the same inside. He let that animal run regularly. And I thought until the day he died that's what would kill him. Surprisingly, it was a meningitis infection that pretty much wrecked his body. Heh, he taught me how to eat at the table as a civilized person. And ever since I've done it. You don't curse at the table (even though my dad was a sailor, this is law to me), you don't eat with your hands unless it's food meant to be eaten with your hands, and finally, you eat every meal at the table. That last one I'm lax on, but the others I keep. It's one of the things that connects me to humanity. I need that connection.

I think this is why I have a rough time with relationships. It's hard to find an equally matched beast. Any weaker one I will hunt and try and destroy. A stronger one I would probably fight with. I'm not sure, I've yet to meet someone of that temperament. Most people are just human inside; gentle, civilized. On a fundamental level, I don't understand it. I watch it a lot. In all honesty, it sort of bores me. 

Forgiveness

The title of this post may be misleading. 

I do not believe and practice forgiveness for the sake of forgiveness. 

But, this is for sever wrongs. I do not hold resentment, but, I do not forgive. 

My heart and soul require atonement. 

I hold myself to the same standard. 

Right now, my atonement is painful down to my core; I haven't known this kind of hurt in a long, long time. I don't see it as punishment, it just happens with this particular situation what I have to do hurts very badly. To forgive, the ways must be mended. The path must be changed. I have to do one of the most selfish things I've ever done. This is my path to forgiveness. Anything else, to me, is empty and insincere. In your life, don't just say "sorry," or offer an apology, change what your doing, if it's an ongoing habit. Or, if it's a one time mishap that is hurtful, show them with your actions that you did not mean it (assuming you didn't). This is what binds us as human beings. 

No, this is not punishment. This is love. Possibly the greatest kind of love that a human can muster. 

It appears life is happening.
And it's an event I'd rather not blog about at the moment.

But, I'm well taken care of. I'm well fed. And I have a roof over my head.
For these things, I have so much gratitude.

Waking Coma

I feel more and more, as the dust settles and I settle back into who and what I am, the world around me is different. While I've tried to pinpoint when the changes in my brain started to occur, it's next to impossible as the actual occurrences are so subtle. All I really have to go on is the decline of my mental state and social life, which was about 5 years ago. At first, there wasn't anything major. I gradually stopped doing what I had always done; hanging at the coffee shop, following Melissa around. Looking back, at the end, all my insides were clouded. My soul was shriveled, dying. 

The waking coma I've been wondering aimlessly in for the last three years in particular is the most difficult to come to terms with. Most of my life changes happened in this time. I'm still analyzing and trying to piece things together. I'm finally making progress on grieving the loss of my mother, and someone else who was very dear to me who died during this time. 

I feel like I've woken up, after all this time, and the world I left is gone. 

While I question many things, while I explore and examine each module, there are still good things. This is just a very much anticipated time of introspection. I've got my scary intuition back. I have my Light back. I have something else that I'm unsure of what it is. I know I didn't have it before. It feels like the wind and the rain, and it is the solid foundation for the strength within me. 

"That's just the kind of man I was" ~ Sidney "Sid" Barret

I think a lot about my own intrinsic nature. And, of course, in doing so, my mind wonders to Sid and the kind of man he was when he was alive. Mainly because he always says that. 

Anyway, that kind of man I am. Or woman. 

Or, you know, whatever. 

That's what I spend my time thinking about.

I'm a lot of things. Good things. Bad things. Neutral things. 

But I've been thinking a lot lately on what I'm not.

I am not a liar.

I am not disloyal. 

I will always be honest with you, in word, action, and intention. Doesn't matter if I know you, or even care to. Even if it is to my detriment. In my natural state, i.e. not psychotic, what I say and do can be trusted to the T. 

For those I love, I will fight with them and for them until my last breath. I will protect, honor, and cherish; I will stand, encourage, and support. My life for them, 100%.

That is the kind of man I am. 

A Kind Of Magic

I was thinking today about one of the last rituals I helped write. It was years and years ago. And it occurred to me, for those of us who were there, who experienced it, the magic is still moving. The magic that was created and gathered there is still here. 

No Regrets

I was thinking today about how I gradually stopped leaving the house, among other things.

Gradually stopped seeing friends. Stopped seeing family.

Stopped talking to people. 

I can't hide behind the fact I was being driven out of my mind. I could have said something, I suppose. And I know every single person I consider a friend would stand behind me, try and help, and when all else failed, just love me. 

The best I can do during this period, which I fondly think of as Project Rehumanization, is do my best to see the people who's lives and important events I've missed out on. 

Through all of this, thinking of all the things I've missed: my dads wedding, my nieces birthdays, while they are important to me, I have no regrets. I believe every moment in life brings you to where you are, right now. If not for those moments, if not for every single teeny, tiny thing, or huge important thing, I would not be me right now. I'm not sure who I'd be, but, the chance of having less of what I have today isn't worth it. It isn't worth the regret. 

So I have no regrets. I have love, and I have hope that out there now, when I do see the people I love the most, I hope that I find understanding and acceptance. 

Recouperating

I feel like painting and writing have quickly become an important part of my rehumanzation project. So, today, I only have this:

Everything

I feel like everything is different.
Food tastes better.
The sun shines brighter.
And it is most definitely hotter than hell outside.

My body feels.. older. I was thinking today that maybe I got used to bad being a state of being. I just felt bad everywhere. Now, there's a distinction. Parts of me feel good, other parts, not so much x.x;

Which is good in it's own way.

I can feel my body again.

Writing Again.. I promise

Because I need to. I just can't help it. I have to tell random strangers about my life, because after what I've been through the last few years, I don't really have any friends left. 

I've been having partial seizures in the emotion areas of my brain for gods know how long.

All I know is little by little I've felt less and less human. Less and less connected to the people and world around me. I'd spent from around 2010 up until the present grieving. 

Grieving a lost relationship, and then his death a year and a half later.

Grieving the loss of my mother last spring. 

In a way, grieving the loss of my husband who has decided to live as a woman as of last fall. 

Eventually, the walls started caving in and I was left in this really dark place. 

I sought help last year. 

I thought I was psychotic. My doctor started at the only place she knew, she began treating me for major depression and anxiety. I'd get better for small periods of time, and then eventually get sucked down into the hole again. Through all of this, I felt fake in a way. I didn't feel human, but I felt like I was receiving the programming to be human, but I wasn't human inside. 

After a few months of this, until June actually, getting better and then way worse, finally I got stuck in the pit. I was taking a handful of anti-depressants and still crying when I got home every night, still feeling empty, dead, and worthless. 

I told my doctor, I described it the best way I knew how. 

And that's when she said the life-changing words:

"BJ.. I think you're having seizures in the non-dominate part of your brain. I want to put you on some anti-seizure medication."

Okay. I had 50 ways of suicide planned out, I couldn't stand the way I felt, and I couldn't change it. I wanted it to stop, and from what I figured I had 2 options: just kill myself, or kill my marriage and then myself (which would be drinking, not a fun experience for those around me when I don't want to be alive). 

So I tried the medication. 

Within hours I felt relief. And not the fake kind of relief that I've been experiencing. 

Everyday I feel more and more human. 

I feel more and more like myself, not this thing thing, this pale ghost moving through a vibrant world.  I am part of this vibrant world again. I can feel a full range of emotions without getting trapped. 

I started praying again. 

I've been "gone" so long that I'm constantly amazed by the world around me. 

So, I have to write. I have a song in my soul again, but this time it has more gratitude, more peace and understanding. More patience and love.