Writing Again.. I promise

Because I need to. I just can't help it. I have to tell random strangers about my life, because after what I've been through the last few years, I don't really have any friends left. 

I've been having partial seizures in the emotion areas of my brain for gods know how long.

All I know is little by little I've felt less and less human. Less and less connected to the people and world around me. I'd spent from around 2010 up until the present grieving. 

Grieving a lost relationship, and then his death a year and a half later.

Grieving the loss of my mother last spring. 

In a way, grieving the loss of my husband who has decided to live as a woman as of last fall. 

Eventually, the walls started caving in and I was left in this really dark place. 

I sought help last year. 

I thought I was psychotic. My doctor started at the only place she knew, she began treating me for major depression and anxiety. I'd get better for small periods of time, and then eventually get sucked down into the hole again. Through all of this, I felt fake in a way. I didn't feel human, but I felt like I was receiving the programming to be human, but I wasn't human inside. 

After a few months of this, until June actually, getting better and then way worse, finally I got stuck in the pit. I was taking a handful of anti-depressants and still crying when I got home every night, still feeling empty, dead, and worthless. 

I told my doctor, I described it the best way I knew how. 

And that's when she said the life-changing words:

"BJ.. I think you're having seizures in the non-dominate part of your brain. I want to put you on some anti-seizure medication."

Okay. I had 50 ways of suicide planned out, I couldn't stand the way I felt, and I couldn't change it. I wanted it to stop, and from what I figured I had 2 options: just kill myself, or kill my marriage and then myself (which would be drinking, not a fun experience for those around me when I don't want to be alive). 

So I tried the medication. 

Within hours I felt relief. And not the fake kind of relief that I've been experiencing. 

Everyday I feel more and more human. 

I feel more and more like myself, not this thing thing, this pale ghost moving through a vibrant world.  I am part of this vibrant world again. I can feel a full range of emotions without getting trapped. 

I started praying again. 

I've been "gone" so long that I'm constantly amazed by the world around me. 

So, I have to write. I have a song in my soul again, but this time it has more gratitude, more peace and understanding. More patience and love.