Waking Coma

I feel more and more, as the dust settles and I settle back into who and what I am, the world around me is different. While I've tried to pinpoint when the changes in my brain started to occur, it's next to impossible as the actual occurrences are so subtle. All I really have to go on is the decline of my mental state and social life, which was about 5 years ago. At first, there wasn't anything major. I gradually stopped doing what I had always done; hanging at the coffee shop, following Melissa around. Looking back, at the end, all my insides were clouded. My soul was shriveled, dying. 

The waking coma I've been wondering aimlessly in for the last three years in particular is the most difficult to come to terms with. Most of my life changes happened in this time. I'm still analyzing and trying to piece things together. I'm finally making progress on grieving the loss of my mother, and someone else who was very dear to me who died during this time. 

I feel like I've woken up, after all this time, and the world I left is gone. 

While I question many things, while I explore and examine each module, there are still good things. This is just a very much anticipated time of introspection. I've got my scary intuition back. I have my Light back. I have something else that I'm unsure of what it is. I know I didn't have it before. It feels like the wind and the rain, and it is the solid foundation for the strength within me. 

"That's just the kind of man I was" ~ Sidney "Sid" Barret

I think a lot about my own intrinsic nature. And, of course, in doing so, my mind wonders to Sid and the kind of man he was when he was alive. Mainly because he always says that. 

Anyway, that kind of man I am. Or woman. 

Or, you know, whatever. 

That's what I spend my time thinking about.

I'm a lot of things. Good things. Bad things. Neutral things. 

But I've been thinking a lot lately on what I'm not.

I am not a liar.

I am not disloyal. 

I will always be honest with you, in word, action, and intention. Doesn't matter if I know you, or even care to. Even if it is to my detriment. In my natural state, i.e. not psychotic, what I say and do can be trusted to the T. 

For those I love, I will fight with them and for them until my last breath. I will protect, honor, and cherish; I will stand, encourage, and support. My life for them, 100%.

That is the kind of man I am. 

A Kind Of Magic

I was thinking today about one of the last rituals I helped write. It was years and years ago. And it occurred to me, for those of us who were there, who experienced it, the magic is still moving. The magic that was created and gathered there is still here. 

No Regrets

I was thinking today about how I gradually stopped leaving the house, among other things.

Gradually stopped seeing friends. Stopped seeing family.

Stopped talking to people. 

I can't hide behind the fact I was being driven out of my mind. I could have said something, I suppose. And I know every single person I consider a friend would stand behind me, try and help, and when all else failed, just love me. 

The best I can do during this period, which I fondly think of as Project Rehumanization, is do my best to see the people who's lives and important events I've missed out on. 

Through all of this, thinking of all the things I've missed: my dads wedding, my nieces birthdays, while they are important to me, I have no regrets. I believe every moment in life brings you to where you are, right now. If not for those moments, if not for every single teeny, tiny thing, or huge important thing, I would not be me right now. I'm not sure who I'd be, but, the chance of having less of what I have today isn't worth it. It isn't worth the regret. 

So I have no regrets. I have love, and I have hope that out there now, when I do see the people I love the most, I hope that I find understanding and acceptance.