Situation Report

So, I'm finally where I can write about what's going on. 

I've been staying with my dad and step-mom the last few weeks. 

I'm getting divorced and just can't live in our apartment. Mainly for their safety. 

I tried this situation. The triad of me, my wife, and my wife's girlfriend. I'm very much not okay with the third. Extramarital sex that means nothing, fucking go for it. A live in girlfriend. Really, just no. It's not for me. I'm not saying it's a bad thing and won't work in any situation. Some people dig that. I don't. And as I got my spirit back I realized that. I realized this entire situation made me miserable. I realized that more than anything, I miss my husband. I'm not saying that my wife as a transgender person is bad. What I am saying is she's not my husband. He's gone. And I miss him so much. 

So, needless to say my life has been bumpy. I don't want to get into details, we've had our spats over the last few weeks. However, today we do hang every now and again, have really decent conversations and I enjoy this time. Although my heart still hearts, and on a certain level I am angry that she took my husband away. 

I thought for a long time that I could love the person inside, because this person inside was blossoming into the person they were supposed to be. A lot of the things I loved about the person inside my husband went away. I don't know if she decided they were not for her or what exactly happened with all that inside of her. All I know is I look at her, and I see someone else. Even on the inside. This person I tried to love, who I don't know. 

To clarify, I'm not leaving her because she's transgender. I'm leaving because I'm miserable and extremely uncomfortable with the relationship. And I have been for a very long time. One blessing is we're all very supportive through this. She listens to my feelings. She doesn't take them personally. And her girlfriend comforts me when I'm over there and just cry. Sometimes I have to go home and cry. And they let me. They cry with me. We all mourn our loss together. It's really kind of amazing. 

The Point

I think a lot of the time people make the mistake of assuming I'm a gentle soul because I am a woman. It is degrading to me, to say the least. 

Most Wiccans believe in the trinity of the Goddess. The Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Few people search for the fourth face. One thing I feel like we do is try and make sense of the world based on these things. Many people identify as the Maiden, that's the phase of life they're in. I've searched and asked, but I am none of these things. My identification is the fourth face, the Warrior aspect. I've read that people lump this aspect in with the Mother. I disagree. While the Mother will defend her children with her last breath, the Warrior will not hesitate to defend what she believes, those she's loyal to, her honor, her country, whatever it is that's in her heart that's of importance. She has much different motivations than the Mother. 

It's been a long time, but more and more I'm getting reacquainted with myself. I know who I am. I know what I am. It makes me shudder, and I am afraid. It fills me with joy, and is my happiness. All of these things, good and bad, are part of me. If we can't accept ourselves for who and what we are, no matter what, than what's the fucking point?

Primal

I've remembered something very valuable about myself. With the help of a friend, of course. 

My core is a primal, jagged, fierce lioness. 

All this time, it's like she's been caged, dying. Now that she's better she wants to run and play, hunt, and roar at the moon. 

My ex taught me the most fundamental thing about her. I have to find a way to channel her, to make her part of myself, and myself part of her, or she would consume me, and effectively kill us. Today it is we. We cannot survive without each other. We do not run alone. She serves as my strength, and I learn more and more how to guide her fierceness. 

When I woke up, she came back in full force. And, hopefully this was the last time in my life this will happen, I had no control of her. I regret people got hurt. It's hard to apologize, because my actions were direct and intentional. Meaning, I meant what I said and did. I can't really apologize for that. I can recognize the hurt, and I can atone for that. But not much else. 

My ex had a similar animal. And he would joke about it. We would laugh about it, but we knew we were the same inside. He let that animal run regularly. And I thought until the day he died that's what would kill him. Surprisingly, it was a meningitis infection that pretty much wrecked his body. Heh, he taught me how to eat at the table as a civilized person. And ever since I've done it. You don't curse at the table (even though my dad was a sailor, this is law to me), you don't eat with your hands unless it's food meant to be eaten with your hands, and finally, you eat every meal at the table. That last one I'm lax on, but the others I keep. It's one of the things that connects me to humanity. I need that connection.

I think this is why I have a rough time with relationships. It's hard to find an equally matched beast. Any weaker one I will hunt and try and destroy. A stronger one I would probably fight with. I'm not sure, I've yet to meet someone of that temperament. Most people are just human inside; gentle, civilized. On a fundamental level, I don't understand it. I watch it a lot. In all honesty, it sort of bores me. 

Forgiveness

The title of this post may be misleading. 

I do not believe and practice forgiveness for the sake of forgiveness. 

But, this is for sever wrongs. I do not hold resentment, but, I do not forgive. 

My heart and soul require atonement. 

I hold myself to the same standard. 

Right now, my atonement is painful down to my core; I haven't known this kind of hurt in a long, long time. I don't see it as punishment, it just happens with this particular situation what I have to do hurts very badly. To forgive, the ways must be mended. The path must be changed. I have to do one of the most selfish things I've ever done. This is my path to forgiveness. Anything else, to me, is empty and insincere. In your life, don't just say "sorry," or offer an apology, change what your doing, if it's an ongoing habit. Or, if it's a one time mishap that is hurtful, show them with your actions that you did not mean it (assuming you didn't). This is what binds us as human beings. 

No, this is not punishment. This is love. Possibly the greatest kind of love that a human can muster. 

It appears life is happening.
And it's an event I'd rather not blog about at the moment.

But, I'm well taken care of. I'm well fed. And I have a roof over my head.
For these things, I have so much gratitude.