Primal

I've remembered something very valuable about myself. With the help of a friend, of course. 

My core is a primal, jagged, fierce lioness. 

All this time, it's like she's been caged, dying. Now that she's better she wants to run and play, hunt, and roar at the moon. 

My ex taught me the most fundamental thing about her. I have to find a way to channel her, to make her part of myself, and myself part of her, or she would consume me, and effectively kill us. Today it is we. We cannot survive without each other. We do not run alone. She serves as my strength, and I learn more and more how to guide her fierceness. 

When I woke up, she came back in full force. And, hopefully this was the last time in my life this will happen, I had no control of her. I regret people got hurt. It's hard to apologize, because my actions were direct and intentional. Meaning, I meant what I said and did. I can't really apologize for that. I can recognize the hurt, and I can atone for that. But not much else. 

My ex had a similar animal. And he would joke about it. We would laugh about it, but we knew we were the same inside. He let that animal run regularly. And I thought until the day he died that's what would kill him. Surprisingly, it was a meningitis infection that pretty much wrecked his body. Heh, he taught me how to eat at the table as a civilized person. And ever since I've done it. You don't curse at the table (even though my dad was a sailor, this is law to me), you don't eat with your hands unless it's food meant to be eaten with your hands, and finally, you eat every meal at the table. That last one I'm lax on, but the others I keep. It's one of the things that connects me to humanity. I need that connection.

I think this is why I have a rough time with relationships. It's hard to find an equally matched beast. Any weaker one I will hunt and try and destroy. A stronger one I would probably fight with. I'm not sure, I've yet to meet someone of that temperament. Most people are just human inside; gentle, civilized. On a fundamental level, I don't understand it. I watch it a lot. In all honesty, it sort of bores me.