Hell No Part 2, Bitches

Alright, so I have major depression, and stuff, stuff, stuff, things things. Read the post OH HELL NO and you'll see. Anyway, to expand (and this is gonna probably be a thing). So I've searched for anything to help, and very little does. Yes, I take the meds. I also take a lot of vitamins and supplements. I take my walks and do my things.

Why am I still here?

Because that's major depression. Did I let someone talk me into the whole "omgs you're never gonna get better," shit? Nope. I've found that time and time again on my own.

However, I will not ever let it win. Until the day I die a death that isn't by my own hand will I let this shit win.

This bitch goes fisty cuffs when she wakes up.

I can't lay down and die. I just can't. Is it because love and people and stuff and things?
Nah. Not really. No offense to anyone, I just don't. #sorrynotsorry

I just love my life.

Well, specifically, I really love the way I live. I'm not sure what Hell or Purgatory are like (because I'm pretty sure heaven's off my list of afterlife retirement homes).

This is it in a nutshell: I wake up. I do my wake up stuff (usually coffee, meds, cloths, in that order) and get off to work. I work. And I enjoy it. I really enjoy the people around me and my boss. The work itself, ehhh. I like it, don't get me wrong. It's just simple. That's all. Anyway, do all my things at work and head home. Sometimes I stop by the store. And, let me tell you, the HEB I stop at is *the best.* Mostly for dinner stuff, or whatever I might need. Toilet paper and the like.
It's one of the few places I've experienced community. People who may or may not know each other randomly talk. I assume not, just because I do the same with people I've never seen. And of course I also bullshit with the people who work there. And I feel like I fit. So, it's awesome.
And then when I get home, I'm greeted with dinner and kisses. Which is awesome. Soon to be followed by a cigarette and a gin and tonic. And then, whatever I want. If I want to drink and play WoW all night? Done. No question. If I want to watch Supernatural all night? Again, done. No questions. No flack. No bullshit. Just live on my terms outside of what I *have* to do. I also chill with my bro or parents when I can on the weekends. It's pretty sweet, honestly.

My life is mostly a bullshit free zone.
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't, and probably will never, keep me from wanting to commit suicide. But, it is, however, the reason that I fight when I wake up. I fight to keep this. I fight to keep my simplicity. My solitude. My Gin. And lately, my writing and art. And music. And, yes, love. Other than the -stuff- he does, dinner and mixing a mean gin and tonic, he feels like home. He always has. And, that's another sappy story.

But for now, that's it. That's all. That's basically my life.

And that's what I hold on to. Not the good moments. Not even the special moments or the ones that changed my life. My mediocre everyday stuff. It makes sense to me why I kept what I kept when my mother died. I kept my parents wedding ring set. But, other than that I chose the things that she touched every day. Her hoodie. Her blankie. Her pillow. Don't get me wrong, these moments are special even though they're not what keeps me going. In a way, that makes sense. Life is nothing if not for the small things.