Life And A Dozen Other Things

So, I've been feeling really creative lately. Like, writing creative. Not just this blog but also working on a fiction piece. I've also been thinking about knitting, which is the first step in actually making something for me.

Discovering and exploring this has had me curious: What's the big deal, self? Why is this so different and important?

Well, I just got out of a marriage about a year ago that was toxic. But, I lived with "him" and "his" lover until this last April. Which was weird. It was just a super weird situation.

I realized today that I never gave myself time, or permission, to grieve.

When my husband came out as transgender, it was a few months after my mother died. I felt like I'd lost everything. My mother, my husband. It's no wonder I just went mental. The transgender aspect I was fine with, bare with me. It was the fact, that as a woman, she is completely different. Maybe this is the person who was always inside that I never got to see. We talked a lot about it in the months following our split, and I came to the conclusion that she wasn't and could never be the person I fell in love with. Unfortunate as it seems, that person was a lie. I stayed living with them about 9 months after I let her know I wanted a divorce.

And I never let myself really feel it. The initial pain, yeah. I don't think anyone can really run from that. But the rest of it, the grief of losing the person I was so in love with that I married. That I couldn't touch. That I actually didn't touch until being away from the situation for about a month. It's so hard to wrap my head around. I mean, my mother died. And than six months later this. I waited about a year before deciding to make my divorce move. Somehow I thought it could work. I hoped it could work.

But in the end, it couldn't work. That entire situation isn't me. That isn't what I signed up for. It isn't what I wanted. I did spend some time privately redefining what I want, and that's a completely different post.

The point is I realized what I've been going through this year. I know a lot of my friends who I talked to on a regular basis are pretty concerned because I don't call or hang out. I just can't. I realized I've been grieving the loss of my marriage. Deeper though, I've been grieving the loss of a man I loved very, very much. And no, no they're not the same. I support everyone in what they want to do. I support my ex in all the things she wants and hopes for. But, the truth is, she isn't the man I married. And that's the man I want. Coming to terms with that left me a wreck. I wanted to believe I was strong and open-minded, or whatever. But, it has nothing to do with that.

It comes down to: What do you want?
And my answer is, and was, a resounding "I want the man I married."

There were qualities that he had that she doesn't. Part of her cover to blend? I don't know. Probably. I can't change this about myself. I tried and it made me (and everyone else) fucking miserable. So I left. I gave it my level best for a year, and just couldn't. I wanted to kill myself. Seriously wanted to kill myself.

So I've found this place over the last few months were I felt safe to grieve. And that's what I've been doing. And that's what I tell people. My entire life is completely different in this moment than it was a year ago. I'm on a different planet than I was two years ago.

And that's a lot of change. Not just for someone who battles their mind the way I do, but I think it would be difficult for anyone. It's a lot of loss. And some days I'm still not real sure how to handle it. I have my vices, that's for sure. But,for some reason I have this crazy grace. And I'm grateful for that.