Some random joke from God

Dear Blogspot,

2010-03-03T06:49:00.002-06:00

I am sorry. I am so sorry it's been so long. I think about you quite often. Re: previous post - I work too much. Did I mention though that I'm really good at what I do?

Recent developments:
Depression subsiding. Thank the gods. Fell in love with Doctor Who. Fell in love with knitting again. Fell out of love with the man I've been on again off again with for years. More so on again for the last 2 or so.

Stuff I did yesterday: Went to the doctor, got my oil changed, got gas, did some laundry, and brushed my teeth. Twice. It feels oddly amazing taking care of myself and things. Also custom built a pair of Converse shoes (kind of because of David Tennant's wardrobe and the whole Converse and suit thing, kind of because I've always loved them, and mostly because they no longer make awesome Joint style RocketDogs. Don't get me started on any of this subject I'll talk for days about how inane it is they don't offer half sizes on the style of Converse I wanted, how horrible the current Joint style RocketDogs are, etc etc. See?). I'll post pics when I get them. They're going to be fantastic in ways I have yet to imagine.

Personal notes: I think about the guys I work with a lot. It's all I really do anymore as far as socialization. They're my extended family, what can I say? We eat together and play together. Each and everyone has a special place in my heart. Even my boss - God help us.

I felt this odd moment of joy and sadness at the same time earlier. I was thinking about this new love I have for being alive, and all the things that have happened over the last several years. Joy in life's mystery, and sorrow for being hurt. It took me a long time to admit hurt. It's going to take a while before admitting hurt on the recent ex. I guess in a way I just did. There's more to it than that, though. Right now I'm still a bit pissed off.

In sifting through this huge ball of everything, every emotion, I've found something very special. I've found me again. I've found the things that make me dream, and soon - very very soon - I will start writing again.

Jesus God

2010-01-31T03:28:00.002-06:00

I work too much.
I say this because my last post was from last July and it's now January. It's been six freaking months.
Everything was okay, then great, then okay, then upside down.
Now it's okay again. The upside down may not be over, but I'll take that as it comes. Right now it seems quiet.

Also, don't get me wrong. I love my job. I just do too much of it.

It's July Already?

2009-07-03T01:23:00.003-05:00

Bah. I've never intended to only post once a month, but shit happens I guess.

I've been working more lately. Which is awesome. Kinda. Really it just means I have more money to pay bills. Not that I'm actually going to ever do anything with my life any time soon.

About that booty? Yeah it was alright. I don't know though. The dude treats me like I'm "one of guys" and, dude, I'm not a dude. I'm a chick. Until you figure that one out, no more vagina.

Other than that, just rolling with the ocean. ;)

Life Post

2009-06-01T02:06:00.004-05:00

So, life just did a complete one eighty on me in the last 24 hours.

First, I have to tell you I broke up with the dude and I've been having a mildly hard time getting back into my game. So, I've been wondering like, "Mojo, where did you go? WTF, over."

Stuff that's happened that makes my life infinitely better:

I got some booty.
I'm going out with a girl I really like next Sunday. When she texts me when she gets up, she always says, "Hello beautiful. How are you today?" It gives me a shit eating grin.
I'm an aunt again. My sister finally had a boy. Everyone's really excited.
I got my groove back.

Happy Beltane!

2009-05-03T23:27:00.002-05:00

I've been listening to a lot of 3 Doors Down lately, have I mentioned that? I love what I think about. I love the lyrics on their latest album. I'd say new, but it came out damn near a year ago. It's good nonetheless.

Time goes by so fast!

It's possible that I just work too much and get too wrapped up in my shit.

Okay, more than likely I suppose.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately. I bought a journal to keep in my car. I like to write during lunch at work, while listening to 3 Doors Down (of course) and watch the planes take off and land.

I've been feeling frisky lately. It is, after all, Beltane. And for the curiously lazy here.

I went to my little sisters baby shower yesterday. That was pretty awesome because I got to see all the kids. They came back home with us for a slumber party. My dad's scared because my oldest niece takes after me. That is kind of scary. We're still not sure what to do with one of me. She and I are buddies, tho. She'll talk my ear off and listen when I talk her ear off. She's 10. Almost. 10 in July. Going on 30. She and I managed to gang up and talk a very doped up grandma into stopping and buying us slurpees on the way home.

Mom had some deep cleaning thing done where they actually cut her gum open. Hence the dope. It's also a good reminder to floss. She's in some hella pain.

Other than that, nothing of much interest...

Funny Money

2009-04-10T02:49:00.003-05:00

I rarely post about conversations. Mainly, because I'm afraid that what I found interesting you won't. But this I had to share. If you don't find it interesting.. I guess it kind of sucks to be you.

My friend Robert called and left me a message on Monday. I didn't get to hear it until Tuesday. In his message he says, "Hey, I'm off diaper duty tomorrow. Call me! If it's later this week, remind me to tell you the story about the money."

Ook. I would have called him then, but apparently I have problems making sure my phone is plugged in on BOTH ends. I had it in the phone, but not in the wall. >.<
Score one for me. So, my phone was half dead when I could have called him.

And diaper duty just means he gets up at the ass crack of dawn to take care of his niece. Which is really white of him. His brother's kind of a piece of shit. I can relate.

So, I finally got to talk to him earlier this evening. He was jabbering, and I had to go meet a friend, so, I pushed him, "Dude, what's with this story about the money?"

He just laughed at me.

"Okay, okay," finally he composes himself, "I went to the convenience store the other day, right?"

"uh huh."

"And the cashier looks young. Maybe 18 or 19. Probably not old enough to sell beer, if you ask me."

"yeah."

"Anyway, I got my stuff, right, a soda, some lottery tickets, and some smokes. All I have is a twenty."

What on earth could be so fascinating about this? But wait, there's more.

"I gave her an old twenty. That's all I had."

"Like, the old ones that don't look fake?"

"Yeah, one of those. She took one look at it, and called the cops."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah. She thought I was trying to pass off a fake bill. She said twenties were never like this. So, I counted out ten bucks in two dollar bills. She got even more upset! Finally another customer in the store insisted the twenty was legit. That that's what they looked like before the new ones. She insisted they didn't have twenties before the new ones."

"Like, we palled around with fives and tens or some shit?"

"Yeah."

"Weird."

"But then, it's not like they had the old twenties much past you being in elementary."

"Bitch I was in college when those new fake looking motherfuckers came out. It was in 2000 or 2001. Come on now."

He laughed at me.

Ugh. There's no hope for the future. Apparently this twit was in the top 10% of her graduating class.

A Sad Fact In My Life

2009-03-01T18:54:00.003-06:00

I think I talk about this more than I write about this, but I'm very passionate about it.

Abstinence only education. It's shit. I really believe people, especially teenagers, need a well rounded sexual education curricula. I personally have no children. I'm a minority around here, I suppose. 27 with no children. That's a sad fact. The other sad fact is many people in high school and others around me had no idea that pregnancy was a result of sex. Are you kidding me? One guy I used to work with actually admitted this to me. He had no idea of how to avoid pregnancy or that it could be the result of sex. I asked him about Sex Ed at school, and he told me his mother opted him out. Wow. Great job. This women pulled her kid out of Sex Ed, and when he was 17 he had a kid. Now he's 20 and will be paying child support for the next 15 years.

In a country where, at last check by the CDC, 1 in 4 teenage girls, TEENAGE GIRLS, has an STD (commonly HPV, but how many people even know what the fuck that is) it's a clear sign that abstinence only education has failed. By the way, HPV is genital warts. Most strains of HPV have no symptoms aside from cervical cancer. Most STDs affect women more than men. Where men just get a burning sinsation when they pee, the same infection could make a women infertile.

We get it. Not having sex is the only 100% way not to get pregnant or catch the clap. I also firmly believe that teenagers should get a balanced view. Know what options are available, should they choose to be sexually active, while letting them know the merits of waiting for marriage. That's what I got in health class, and it's served me well since. I also got a good sense of if I don't know, I should find out, and it's given me great comfort while talking to my doctor. I understand and believe that my reproductive health is as important as the health of all the parts of my body. It's important to have a healthy heart, so I try and get some exercise everyday and make sure I have a good amount of iron in my diet. Just as it's important my cooter stays healthy, I get it poked at every year and discuss any concerns with my gyno.

That's my rant for the month.

Ah, Cupid

2009-02-17T00:47:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a fantastic Valentines Day. I did. I hung out at the tattoo shop for a while, watching friends get inked. I've never walked out of there without someone of my own, but there's a first for everything. My artist is a good friend and part-time therapist for me. As odd as it sounds, I feel so comfortably vulnerable when she's working on my back, so I just babble about all the things that I don't normally tell even the closest people in my life.
After that, me and my guy helped a friend build furniture. I love and hate Ikea.
Finally, we went out for a midnight snack/Valentines "dinner" at Denny's. It was yum. The food was fantastic and the service was super great. A good waitress really makes an excellent dinner. I think she's stuck out in my mind more than the food. She was honest, confident, friendly, and precise. She's touched me and I'm not sure why(like, mentally left an impression). We left her a fat tip.

This month has gone by so fast! I just filed my taxes, I'll be getting my return around the end of this month and the beginning of next. Which is awesome. I can get my car fixed and throw the rest at my obscene Visa card. My boss just got back from 2 weeks of vacation today, and that's awesome and sucks all at the same time. Work won't be so crazy, I'll have a better ear for grievances; on the other hand he's a neurotic crazy man. Not that that's bad.. it's just crazy.

I'm still grieving the loss of my dog. Cosmoe was a great companion and close friend to me. I took better care of her than I did myself, so no regrets. I suffered a rotten tooth for about 2 years so I could have two of hers pulled. I lived countless weeks on Ramen and cheap lunch meat alone so she would have food, a fresh flea collar, and doggy treats. Not a day goes by I don't think of her. Sometimes I feel silly. I have to remind myself I should not feel silly for hurting so much. My heart's broken. There are times when I miss her more than anything. The days are getting brighter, though. I'm lucky to have had such a great dog. One day I'll have another great dog. As I write this there's a really great little dog laying at my feet. I'm not sure what else to say. Somedays I'm not sure how to feel. Other than I loved her dearly, and now she's gone.
I miss her personality more than anything. She was really quaint. There was one time I was trying to get her to go out one last time before bed, and I told her, "C'mon booger bear, let's go outside." And she gave me her, "If I don't awknowledge my human she'll go away" thing. Where she'd look straight ahead and only slightly glance at me to see if I was still there. So, I changed up my story and came back with, "C'mon babe, let's go for a ride!" She jumped up and ran to the door. This was after she'd already lost most of her hearing. I'm pretty sure she could hear just fine until the end ;) I miss her looks the most. I could always hear her. My mom hated when I was out of town because she and Cos didn't speak the same language.

Well, that's it for me.

Dear bloggies,

2009-02-02T19:59:00.001-06:00

I put my dog down on Friday.

I'm not so much in the mood to write. I'll have something for you soon.

Keep us in your thoughts.
This is really hard for me.

Dear ______,

2008-12-19T04:39:00.002-06:00

Boyfriend,
I love you although at times you infuriate me. However, I love you more than you infuriate me. I'm touched that you're proud I do well at my place of employment. I'm sorry I work so late. I appreciate it more than you will ever know when you stay up late waiting for me to get home. I could never express my gratitude for the times I come home and you're naked on the couch. I know you've been tired and sick lately. Thank you for the sex despite your disposition.

Insurance Company,
FUCK YOU.
You can take the extra 200 dollars you want next year and shove it up your ass. This year I've paid you on time, I have no moving violations to speak of at all in the whole history of my driving, and I've caused zero accidents. So to you I say, "Wish in one hand, shit in the other, I'm calling Progressive."

Melissa,
I miss you terribly. I miss your smile, your hair, your goofy laugh. I miss making out with you. I miss feeling like a perv when I put my face in your boobs. I miss listening to you. I miss talking to you about my vagina and hearing about yours and that thing that came out of it, and all the goofy shit she does.

Bek,
If you moved again, please let me know. It's been a fair bit since I've seen a post. :( P.S. post pictures of snow :D

Everyone else,
I love you. Have a good Christmas. Me and the guy counter-part are going to pick his son up for the holidays on Saturday, so, I probably won't post much. I'm excited. We haven't seen him since the summer time. So, happy holidays, Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever the hell it is you like celebrating during the cold part of the year.

Whoa

2008-11-30T03:33:00.002-06:00

I completely missed October. And November.

My bad.

Well, October was crazy busy because of work. November's been crazy busy because it's the beginning of the holiday season and it's just been a shitty month. I got rear-ended on the 11th, that got settled this last week. My lover boy's been in jail since the 18. Stupid bullshit. But they sent him to Williamson County for child-support bullshit. His ex-wife, who was mad at him, called and told them he wasn't paying (which he was, which they knew he was) and they put a warrant with a 7000 dollar cash bond out on him. He had some past stuff (stupid stuff. warrant for driving with expired tags) here in Travis county and they moved him at the beginning of the week up there.

Williamson county is THE WORST county to have any legal trouble. Apparently, the law means nothing to them. When they set his child support for separation, the amount was fine. Within his means for his profession, and also more than what most custodial parents get. When she finalized the divorce (after putting him in jail on false assault charges) with the same evidence she had his child support finalized at $1000 per month.
Not for two kids.
Not for three kids.

For ONE fucking child. Texas law states that child support should be set at at least 20% of the non-custodial parents wages. Wow. I had no idea my kind of husband made $6000 a month as a disabled veteran and journeyman plumber!

So, needless to say he's fallen a bit behind since they got divorced in 2000. So, ever check he's gotten over the last 3 years they've taken half of. Which is about $1000 a month. So he makes little more money then I do, and we haven't been able to afford a lawyer so that sorry, greedy bitch can go back to getting something closer to what will allow us to live and enough for her to support his son. Even though, even when she was getting all that money, for three year straight, then half of his unemployment check, she apparently still couldn't keep gas in the car to get him to school?

So, over the last six months we've been sending money straight to him, or paying what expenses we can online. Apparently, his ex-wife thinks "child-support" means "my lazy ass and my husbands lazy ass" support. Because when they were getting money, THEY were fine, but his son would still call, "BJ.. I really need this.. can you talk to my dad when he gets home?" And I'd be like, "What? She's getting 300+ dollars a week and can't even get you new pants? Or gas? Or school supplies? What the fuck?" She can't seem to get him to the DMV to get his license. And apparently the flooding and damage from the hurricane that went through the Texas Rio Grande Valley was his fault. I talked to him through the entire thing, and she was yelling at him because there was water coming out of the walls.

Uhm, you dumb bitch, the eye of a hurrican is passing 30 miles to the north of you. This might surprise you, but your house is going to flood. Pray for me. Pray for us. Pray that I don't get her on the phone when she gets back from visiting her family for the holidays (which she ruined for me, completely) and tell her exactly what I think. Because if I do she won't give any of this the time of day. But then, we've made several, SEVERAL agreements which were fair to everyone involved, and also gave her a bit extra (he let her file his tax return and keep all the extra money) and she still didn't hold up her part of the deal.

Okay. Now I'm frustrated. If I ever meet her (heh, we've been together forever, I've spent days and days on end with her son, and I've never met her) I'm going to punch her right in her cunt.

If I can find it. I hear she's a rather large woman.

Alright. I'm done. I love you guys. Bear with me. I miss my Jimmy, he's my lover, my best friend, and my companion. He has been for years. And the best I get is a 15 minute phone call everyday. Except for when I work, because they turn the phones off before I get off work. Visitation is the same way. I've been trying to get him out, but right now I want to punch his lawyer right in his cunt, too. More on that this week ;)

Today's Treat: Soda!

2008-09-27T14:09:00.002-05:00

So, it's been 72 hours, and from what I've read and been told I can have a bit of soda today. On Thursday I went to the grocery store and got some fantastic organic Pear Apple Italian Soda. Then I realized I couldn't have it for a few days. I'm fixing to go crack it open and give it a spin. :)

So, today I got up early. I'm thinking I used to sleep in a lot on the weekends because of the constant infection in my mouth. I can't even make myself sleep all day! I had a hard time Thursday. Maybe on Sunday I'll keep myself up until 6 just to be able to sleep until Noon so I won't be dead dog tired at 10, which is an hour and a half before I get off work.

I fixed my friends internets today. It's the weekend, so I'm at her pad. It's been down for a while. Man, Airports are a pain in the ass. Melissa, my hat's off to you for working at Apple so long. Which, by the way, I was fixing to call you but didn't want to give you flash backs. But I found the problem. I'm actually online on it right now. I should really have a more tech centered job. I'm thinking about saving up some monies, or using my hopefully obscenely large tax return (yeah, when I filled out my paper work? I opted for them to take the max amount out of my check, and within this fiscal year, I've been enrolled in at least 6 hours of college and will be paying student loans) and getting A+ certified independently.

I'm going to go back to enjoying my soda, eating Reese's, triple fudge brownies, crying at CSI, and generally PMSing.

Mmmm Oatmeal

2008-09-26T13:10:00.002-05:00

So, I gots my teeth pulled out the other day, and it went really good.

Right now I'm having a bowl of buttery cinnamon oatmeal, or some crap like that. How much more soft and nutritious can you get?

Anyway, my dentist is awesome. I didn't feel a thing. I druggedly professed my love to her afterwards. I really didn't feel a thing. Not even after the Novocaine wore off. I was a little sore, I mean, just from having pieces of enamel ripped from my jaw, but no real *pain* to speak of. I realized yesterday that I'd pretty much been in constant pain. When I looked at the teeth, the widsom tooth was all yellow. Like, rotten yellow. I'm thinking the constant pain, tiredness, and grumpies were because of this constant infection. I'm glad it's out.

I took yesterday off, along with the day of the extraction, just to rest, but I couldn't sit still! I went and got my oil changed, a tire fixed, my radio installed, I had lunch with a good friend.. Man it was a great day, but I am ready to go back to work. Just today, and than it's the weekend. I even got up early today and went and got my hairs did!

Now it's too bad I got my favorite soda in the fridge that I can't drink until I'm healed more. The carbonated water can dissovle the clots.. or upset them.. or something. I don't remember how it works exactly but I'm not going to find out. My clots are nice.

Why Is It...

2008-09-22T03:55:00.003-05:00

Yes yes. At four in the morning I toss and turn, thinking of all the possible reasons why something is the way it is.

Take, for instance, the fact that since I've started carrying a purse, I'm called "ma'am" and "lady."
Doors are opened, and I'm not even showing cleavage. It's not to say it didn't happen before my brain was kidnapped by the purse carrying gnomes, it just happens more now.

Also, why is it spaghetti seems to taste better in a bowl as opposed to a plate? I actually think I know the answer to this one. Usually, when spaghetti is made and eaten off a plate, it's fresh. My momma (yes, my mother is a great cook. I'll take her food over anything else you'll throw at me, no matter who made it, how good you think it is, or how expensive it is. Mom food = the best food on the planet) oh crap. I completely forgot where that sentence was going. Anyway, I think the answer is in the timing. See, I eat it off a plate when it's fresh because it's dinner time. Even though we are a heathenish family, we've been known to use plates and silverware. I usually eat it out of a bowl as a midnight snack, lunch, or dinner the next night. After the flavors have had time to stew and blend and get yummified in the fridge. Which, right now it's the wonderous mom-food that I'm snacking on right now while blogging instead of sleeping.

Going back to the purse, why the hell do I have sooooo much crap in there? Looking through the contents you'd think I'd be ready to get stuck in the rain while reading a book with super small print, while simuteneously getting a migraine headache and having an irresitable urge to move the music files on the flash drive onto my computer while getting ready for a date , charge my mp3 player, manicure my nails and paint them *takes a breath* if I ever had a day like this, then I would have used everything or most everything that is in my purse at this moment.

GOD WHY? Who needs all that crap?

I do, apparently. Along with some Valium and a nice hot bath. I'll be ookies. ;)

Alright. Now that's out of my system, news. My moms doing better as far as her belly surgery. She's having her kidney operated on October 9th. So, if you would, even if you're just a passer-by of this blog, pray for her. Even if it's just hoping for a moment she's okay, it's human energy and inspiration sent in a positive direction. She can use good hopes, prayers, everything. Well, me too. And my dad. After being married to her for over 30 years, he's still crazy about her, and just looks lost and generally upset when she has been in the hospital. He'll sleep on the couch he misses her so much. Yeah, he's got it pretty bad for her.

Next up, I'm having some teeth taken out Wednesday. Pray for good drugs, eh? I'm kinda nervous about it. Not so much the pain. Just, teeth. Being taken out. But, I'll be in a lot less pain than what I've been experiencing the last few months. And, I'll be able to chew easier again. And, on both sides of my mouth, not just one! That's been my mantra lately. I'm excited about the results, just not too gun-hoe about the procedure.

Last time I had teeth taken out, I'd been shot with a bee bee gun and damn near bit the dentists finger off. I was 6.

Still have the bee bee lodged in the throat, too. Shows up on x-rays clear as day. How cool is that? Maybe one day I'll scan it and post it.

Lazy Libra

2008-09-14T01:04:00.002-05:00

I am, and have been called, a Lazy Libra. I work 40 hours a week, and when it's done, it's time to sleep.

It's true.

There's been a lot of stuff going on lately, tho.
I got moved out of International Ops into Domestic Ops. Which is awesome, love all the boys I work with. Probably most likely not going to Winston-Salem. Which sucks, but, I'm okay with it.

My mom had surgery last week. She's doing great, tho. She has more stuff coming up. They found something on her kidney when they did the CAT scan to find out what was wrong with her belly. It's probably renal cancer. Not sure what to think/feel about that yet. So, more later. She has her pre-op appointment on the 30th, which is my birthday. That sucks, but what can you do? They might do the pre-op stuff early, depending on how she heals from Thursday.

Alright. That's all I got. Love you guys.

Have You Ever Noticed...

2008-08-17T17:52:00.002-05:00

That when balls are hanging just right, they look like a heart?

Dear Blogspot

2008-08-12T01:01:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I neglect you, I'm somewhat of a workaholic.

And I might go to North Carolina for my job. Well, they said no not to upset my department (because it would be for someone in another department) but they're going to move me out of my department into the one I would be traveling to help train/do whatever, but I haven't gotten the balls to ask if it was still a possibility. I hope it is. Hope for me. Oh, and hope that I grow some balls.

Your friend, as always,
BJ
God's random joke.

Singing, Screaming, Kissing, Tugging

2008-07-29T22:33:00.002-05:00

On the sleeve of how it used to be.

Yeah, so I've been on a total Kimya Dawson kick lately. It's pretty cool. I <3 her.

Anyway, so, I decided to stay in Exports for now. I get all my hours, and a bit of over time every week. Which is cool. I was lucky to get 35 hours in Data Entry when I was there. I think my boss might think I'm a finicky bitch. Which is cool, because it's true. Some days I like it, some days I hate it, other days I'm pretty neutral towards it. I guess any job is going to be like that.

I've decided to start knitting again. I hope I can keep up with it. I love it, and I'm really good at it. But I don't knit much. I need to need to need to finish Melissa's stuff. Yeah, I suck Melissa. Well, not really, but, I feel like an asshole.

I subscribed to Netflix, too. It's awesome. I like watching weird movies and movies I've seen and movies I've wanted to see. So, if you guys have any suggestions, I'll add them no matter what. The other super cool thing about Netflix, is you can buy used movies for like, 5 bucks (and some change, free shipping!). The suck thing is, they don't have The Emporer's New Groove, which I don't have on DVD. So, Bek, man, I sooooooo prayed when I searched for it. But my search came up fruitless. I've got a few other things up my sleeve, though. I've been wanting to watch it again.

So, job is good, I'm staying entertained otherwise.. and other than that, car is bad. Well, love the car. LOVE MY CAR. My mechanic? Not so much. I had to have it worked on twice within a two week period, for the same thing, and first got stranded on my way to the ER (absessed tooth) and second at the Green Muse. So, I'm thinking about sucking it up, and finding another mechanic, and just igoring the one I have now. Getting my A/C fixed is going to be expensive. This heat is killing me.

Alright, I'm going to go knit and sleep or something. Loves.

Vag Talk At GM

2008-07-24T21:44:00.003-05:00

So, me and Melissa were hanging up at the Green Muse last night (where I do most of my writing.. as a matter of fact, I'm here now) and, as always, had the greatest conversation. It was a conversation about everything, stuff that sucks, stuff that doesn't suck, and our vaginas. I love talking about my vagina. Not to shock people, but just because it's a part of my body and has it's own very distinct personality at times.

Unfortunately during this conversation, we were squeezed pretty tight next to some random guy. The place was kind of packed. I remember at one point talking very openly about just how finicky my vagina can be. And it is finicky as shit, let me tell you. Well, it was unfortunate for the guy sitting next to me, I think.

Poor guy.

In other news, Melissa added me to the Small Happies blog, which is a collaborative effort between (now) me and four other people. Melissa started it a couple months ago in an attempt (I think) to take time to appreciate the little things in life. Anyway, check it out. There's definately something for everyone with that many people and interests contributing to it. I'm looking forward to it. I made my first post yesterday.

Oh yeah, and to update what I wrote yesterday, I talked to my surrogate child today and all is well. They got all the water cleaned up, no one at his house got hurt or anything. Just a little water logged. I didn't hear from him until later this evening. I could have strangled the little shit, but, what can you do? I told him I was worried and asked why he didn't call, and I know my tone was edging on bitching-in-30 (30 seconds, mind you) when he said, "I know. I'm sorry." The way he said it melted me and the bitch backed off into her cage. So, he's okay. The house is kind of okay. All the animals are fine, etc etc.

Now I must go. My vagina hungers and I require a cookie.

Hurricane Dolly

2008-07-23T23:26:00.002-05:00

So, my somewhat sugary lover's son lives in Mission, Texas.

Mission is about 15 miles from the eye of where Tropical Storm Dolly is right now. I'm a little worried. I've been talking with him on the phone on and off all day. But I'm still worried, because it isn't over.

Keep him in your happy thoughts. The house where he lives is flooding. His mother is a royal bitch. I'm also listening into a conference call between Jimmy and her because the only person his son can call is me right now because of his phone. He can call me without using his cell minutes. And I can get him in contact with his dad.

Yeah. So, also pray that I don't pull my phone off mute and bitch her out.

Juno

2008-07-21T04:23:00.002-05:00

I watched Juno twice this weekend. I <3 that movie.

I really really really REALLY want to go see Dark Knight.

Really.

:D

The One Thing

2008-07-12T02:11:00.003-05:00

This week's been pretty good. Today was good. I got a raise this week.. and today I asked for my old position back. I was stumbling, and came across the one thing that could ever make me sad, and that's this:

And it's because I miss my kitty. A couple months ago, I took in the sweetest kitty ever. I'm pretty sure he was part Siamese, and had a bit of sneaky-long-haired-cat-down-the-street in him. He was found in the rain by a homeless couple a friend of mine talks to and occasionally helps out. So, she brought him up to the coffee shop, took up a collection, and I took him home. A pet is a hell of a commitment. I'm not much of a cat person, but he made me one.
I had him for about a month, and noticed he hadn't grown. Someone told me he probably had, I just hadn't noticed, because I see him all the time. I disagreed. Then one day his belly plumped out. I knew there was something wrong with him. I asked my mom to take him to the vet, and I was pretty sure whatever it was, it was fatal, and there wasn't anything anyone could do. After all, I do have the Googles. The next day he was put down. That was a few weeks ago. I miss him terribly. That same night I went to my friend Melissa's house, and she threw her kitten in my lap. I sat there and cried. I miss holding him. I miss playing with him.
When I stumbled across this photo.. it reminded me of the small piece of my life that I've been missing. I've toyed with the idea of getting another kitten. I have cats, don't get me wrong. Epoch was special. He was really special. He was the only cat that I took off the street. Even though life is good, and I'm happier than I've been in a while, there's still a kitty shaped piece missing. I can't just replace him, either. I've decided when there's another really special kitty out there, we'll find each other. Until then, I'll have to do without a little kitty.

Swiped

2008-07-11T03:50:00.003-05:00

Because I can, and because I love crap like this.

Eight things I am passionate about:
1. My faith.
2. Astrology.
3. Honesty.
4. Fairness.
5. Coffee.
6. Key-Lime Pie.
7. Being in love with myself and life in general.
8. Good/True friends.

Eight things I would like to do before I die:
1. Go to Disneyland.
2. Go to London.
3. Make enough money (if only for a month) to not live paycheck to paycheck.
4. Marry.
5. Stop picking my hair.
6. Ride on a motorcycle.
7. See the Oracle at Delphi in Greece.
8. Own a pair of Prada shoes (I know... I know..)

Eight things I say a lot:
1. Man.... Dude...
2. Dude.
3. Man.
4. Shut the fuck up.
5. In your butt (in response to something like "where's the remote?")
6. Fuck this shit.
7. Douchebag (or douchebaggory)
8. Dick (usually in a sentence like "that guy's just a dick."

My dad was a sailor. Still is at heart... what can I say?

Eight books I have read
1. Where The Red Fern Grows
2. The Stand
3. Clan Of The Cave Bear
4. The Mists of Avalon
5. The Power of Myth
6. Harry Potter et al.
7. Different Seasons
8. The Witching Hour

Eight movies I have seen eight times:

1. The Emperors' New Groove
2. Dogma
3. Good Morning Vietnam
4. Troy
5. 300
6. Serenity
7. Pride and Prejudice
8. I Am Sam

Stole this from Bek's Blog. So there's five bits of eights you never thought you'd want to know about me. :D

A Moment

2008-06-28T02:51:00.002-05:00

I'm happy to report that today I'm the person I've always wanted to be.

I'm finally old enough

2008-06-26T04:44:00.002-05:00

To appreciate The Smashing Pumpkins.

To balance my cheque book.

To want to settle down a bit. Maybe not -settle- and perhaps not get get -married- but settle down nonetheless.

I've been going through a lot of internal stuff lately. Not fun. The more I experience, the more I think I was really bad in a past life or god's got a sick sense of humor. I don't even know how to explain it. Part of me feels selfish. Really fucking selfish. Part of me feels as though it's perfectly okay, and probably normal, to feel the way I've been feeling about the situations around me. Most affect me directly. Some are just residue. That's cool. I can hang with that. For the most part.

I'm not even sure how to explain it. Or that I want to yet. By the time it's processed and uploaded, I'm pretty sure I'll be over it. I kinda think I'm PMSing, too. I've been a tad more emotional than what I'm used to. I feel like a dumb girl. I also feel, however, that maybe my upbringing or beliefs are way different from the people around me. More and more often I'm stopped in my tracks by someone's blatant rude behavior. For the most part I'm unsure about how much I actually care about the outcome of the situation, I'm usually stuck on the part where someone's rudeness slighted me.

I'm going to live through this. Even if it kills me.

It's time to take an inventory of the people in my life. Totally. It's time to cut some people, and try and draw other people closer in. The people who care for me, who love me, and are at my side through thick in thin. Those are the people I need. They're the people I desire. They're the ones more deserving of my love, well, love in general, than anyone else. The people who think it's okay to justify an action using some lame excuse or reason, who back stab, who are untrustworthy, and the douche bags have got to go.

But.. I hate being rude to people. Ugh.

This Just In

2008-05-24T05:49:00.001-05:00

Yeah. I live under a rock. No, that's no supposed to be news.

This, however, is: Madonna is still hot as fuck.

That is all.

Melissa, I Feel Your Pain

2008-05-22T02:14:00.002-05:00

I just had one of my mens change my other back tire. This one has a screw in it. The last one, which I just barely had fixed, which is the one on the OTHER side, had a nail in it. Also, I washed my car. It'll probably rain tomorrow.

You'd be amazed at how much bird shit you can drive around with.

That is all. Back to work!

American Consumerism

2008-05-16T04:24:00.003-05:00

It's fucking disgusting, people. Stop it. Stop buying shit (particularly shit made in China) that's way over priced and is going to break in a month anyway. Stop buying shit you don't need, just because it's pretty. Stop buying shit that sounds too good to be true, because it probably is. Stop buying shit because you think it'll make your life easier. STOP BUYING SHIT. Stop buying purses, shoes, single clothing items, and other stupid over priced shit that's more than a hundred dollars.

I was flipping through the T.V. earlier and caught a blip from an infomercial of some body suit that's supposed to make you 'lose' two inches. The women wearing it enthusiastically said, "image is everything." I changed the channel. To her and the product she's endorsing I say fuck you. You're part of the problem.

Life isn't about what you have or what you look like. It's about being happy. It's about love, not being in love or being loved, but it's about loving. It's about kindness. It's about letting that guy turn in front of you even though you don't have to. It's about buying your co-working lunch and hoping she never pays you back. It's about patting your dog or cat on the head every night before you go to bed. It's about smiling and saying, "How are you?" to someone you may never ever converse with again. People don't make you happy. Things don't make you happy. Only your own simple pleasures can. Only you can make you happy.

"For that which you seek you find not within yourself, you'll never find it without. For behold, I was with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire." - The Charge Of The Goddess, written by Doreen Valiente.

It is what it is.

2008-05-02T06:19:00.002-05:00

Wow, this week's gone by fast. I talked to the gay guy from the previous post, and he's immune to the Mono. Which is awesome. I'm thinking I was feeling bad last weekend because my wisdom tooth was giving me hell. It abscessed a few years ago, and since then it's gone back and forth from completely fine to horribly painful. Last weekend we were on a horribly painful bender. The weird thing is, it hurt right up until about 5am Monday morning, then boom, nothing. No pain. I fell asleep and was jubilant enough to go to work.

It crossed my mind ever so briefly to call in dead. But I've been feeling really good all week. I took on a new little kitten, I'll have pictures soon up on my flickr. They're already on my Myspace. He is very cute. I've named him Epoch, because that's my coffee shops name and that's where I adopted him from.

Alright, I have the sleepy. But, before I go, one quick story. I was hanging with a friend the other night, and we were both starving, so, we decided to go to Wendy's. Before we'd left, my friend was on a "I spent the best years of my life fighting for this country, and for what?" bender. Yeah. He was in the military. Something to do with guns, special forces. I don't know. He doesn't talk much about it.

So, we go to Wendy's and he orders some of those new chicken wraps. All the same, homestyle. The first one he eats is spicy, "This shit is spicy! This isn't what I ordered." I was quiet, mentally torn between suggesting we go back and tear someone a new asshole - but gas is really really expensive - and telling him to shut the fuck up and eat.

He laughed, out of no where. "I spent the best years of my life fighting for this country so that some immigrant I'm not even sure is legal could fuck up my order at Wendy's. That's great."

Sadly, I couldn't control my laughter. I told him I was going to write it down. Not that he internets, but, here it is. The best thing I'd heard all fucking week.

Irony

2008-04-27T06:08:00.002-05:00

So, I might have picked up Mono. I've been feeling really exhausted lately, doing my normal activities, I've had a low-mid grade fever off and on, and my body is just sore. I've never had Mono before, so no immunity. It's apparently going around my home Coffee Shop.

The Irony?

I picked it up from a gay guy. Yeah. God has a randomly odd sense of humor sometimes. I'll be okay. Hopefully it won't last long, I'm really healthy and generally my body fights off sickness with little difficulty.

This is where I'm going to throw in my "germs are good for you" plug. Mono is like the Chicken Pox in the way that if you get it as a child, you go through the stages, are uncomfortable for a while, but are ultimately generally fine. It's rare for children to have complications from the Chicken Pox. The same with Mono. If you get it as an adult, on the other hand, you can end up with some serious shit. So, if any of yous has kids or are of the age where you could fight it up and be just fine, give me a ring. I'm probably still contagious.

Also, I would like to take a moment to point out reason #245 of why I could never be a doctor: I would glance at your chart, glance at you, and look back at your chart and simply say, "You're fucked."
My bed side manner sucks.

Cupid

2008-04-09T03:23:00.003-05:00

So, here lately I've been lazy. And that's cool, I can dig it. Some of the people around me can't, and that's cool. If you're wondering if this affects them, the answer's yes. And yeah, that's fucked up. I just have a few things to catch up on. It'll be all good.

I hung out with my friend Melissa last night. And Meli, I know you read these things sometimes. I didn't know what to say. All I know is watching you cry makes me want to stab someone, preferable the person who made you cry. I love you more than anything on this planet. I would die for you, and even better, help you hide a few bodies in a few key undisclosed locations.

Bodily function alert: I am PMSing. Not bleeding, no, the PMS comes before the bleeding of the vagina and the not dying. So, I've been kind of cruel. Well, not kind of. I came over to my 'friends' house, and we were laying here watching T.V. and he was laying on this pillow. It occurred to me that I didn't want him laying on that pillow. Don't ask why. Just don't. So when he got up I snatched it up and put it somewhere else. Wasn't even using it. When he layed back and noticed it was missing, he asked why I moved it, so I said, "So you couldn't lay on it."
"Wait, what?"
me, "You looked uncomfortable."
He answered, sarcastically, "yeah. I was SO VERY uncomfortable."

We laughed. He called me an asshole. It was beautiful.

Patterns and Circles and Flying Monkeys

2008-03-28T02:53:00.002-05:00

Okay, so, for the longest time I've been trying to figure out why I get attached so some guys that I sleep with, yet not to others, who are more or less great men, but, just don't do it for me. Love and sex have always been two completely independent things for me. Very rarely have the two ever come together.

I noticed lately, after a few sleepless nights, that I'm falling for someone I probably shouldn't. Part of me feels like a dumb girl, part of me's used to it, and part of me is so tired of everything it doesn't give a shit.

The pattern I see is this, and this is for like, love love. Not that crazy "OMG I'm all attached to you in a very unhealthy way" 'love'. Anyway, pattern is thus: I'm given/offered something I lacked and needed as a child.

Whether it's nurturing or attention, it just feels so good to me, because it's something I've only ever known in adulthood. Here lately, protection. I realized it immediately. You know when you're falling for someone, and when I knew, I knew why, and it dawned on me. I fall in love with men who have the potential to help heal my very broken childhood. I like feeling safe. I never felt safe. I still don't at times, I'm hyper aware to this day of the things going on around me. With this man I feel like I can exhale and sit completely down. And relax.

So, I'm sad because I hate falling, but happy because it feels nice to look forward to someone's smile, and also neurotic because I have no idea what the hell.

So here are some lyrics that I think are applicable. It's a song called Desolation bye Russell Clepper. You can here it on his Myspace page here. So go listen, mmkay?

Desolation

Desolation, my old friend,
I see your empty spaces grin.
Like demons who just can't stop laughin,
Desolation, home again.

Friends and lovers come and go
These empty chairs sing their echoes
These mute bed sheets, holding their folds
Desolation's soundless woe

Hope and angels float away
They'll not return some other day
The stars they speak, but all they say is
Desolation's out this way.

My virtues have all been cast aside
My heart spring's all filled in and dried
My bravest dreams must be denied
Desolation's long dark night.

Vain belief. Useless sun.
Wasted courage. Forsaken fun.
Only beyond this horizon
Desolation's the only one.

Desolation, my old friend
I see your empty spaces grin.
I feel the nails rust through my skin
Desolation, you old has been.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

2008-03-24T21:38:00.002-05:00

So, I'm a day late, but what do you expect from a Pagan? Sometimes we're kinda lazy.

So, Happy Belated Zombie Jesus Day to all my cool Christian friends. Happy Easter to all my stoogy republican Christian friends. And a very very belated happy Ostara to all my Pagan friends.

Now that I've addressed all three of you, let's move on.

I'm starting to hate the credit game. Well, I've never been particularly fond of it, but today it's really working my last nerve. I'm a good girl when it comes to this stuff, too. I'm not the shining example for using credit wisely, but for not having a job for so long and having four cards, I think I've done alright.

When you pay things online, and I can't emphasis this enough. Always, always always ALWAYS save your confirmation numbers. I didn't think it was a big deal until today. I'd scheduled a payment to post March 21. I did the scheduling on like, the 13th. So, I figured it had plenty of time to get into the system and post when do. Man, was I wrong. They called Sunday morning. Easter. Fucking. Sunday. At 9 o'clock. I was asleep, so obviously didn't answer the phone.

They called again, today. And I saw that it wasn't showing a number, which screams I owe someone money. I answered the phone. We went through the what card and account it was about, etc etc. When he said I hadn't made a payment was when I stopped him and let him know I scheduled it on the 13th to post on the due date. He said there was no record.

Really? Aw shucks. I was almost convinced you were calling to make sure my Easter was right nice.

So, he tells me to get the confirmation number, which I still have, and call back. The kicker is the zero key doesn't work on my phone. So I use my friends phone and go through the most fucked up automated system I've ever been exposed to. Ads. This thing has fucking ads in it. Is it not enough I pay way too much in interest on this card because it's for a department store, that you have to assault me with ads when I call?
But wait, it gets better.
The menu is damn near impossible to navigate. I could hear my account information in Spanish before I could talk to a live person. I went in circles with this thing, "No I don't care about the balance. I know the balance. I already scheduled the payment..." So I started mashing the zero key, which I was told years ago defaults you to an operator. which does work if you're not in a menu that's wanting numbers. So, it didn't work. Last thing I heard before I hung up was "To inform us of your payment of zero dollars on an account owing zero dollars..." *CLICK*

Fuck.

My friend's ex wife calls. That was pleasant. So I come home and try again. Apparently this place is only open until 8 EST. Which is 9 CST. Which was about thirty minutes before I started calling them.

I wish I could email them this, what I just wrote. To let them know how shitty their automated system is, mainly. I'm going to get right on that tomorrow afternoon.

Sometimes, you have to leave the corpses in plain sight.

2008-03-13T01:13:00.002-05:00

So, I wanted to rely my wonderful experience buying yeast infection cream at 4am at Walgreens. Yeah. Lots of musing lately.

So I walk in there, it's 4am. Get my cream, decide to buy a soda so I don't just walk in there buying yeast infection cream all by itself at 4am.

The guy checking me out decides to make conversation. Now, pause a moment, when I get yeast infections, I feel sore a day, then BAM. Itchy. Twitchy. Twat. I'm sure he was just being nice, or whatever, but he says
"So, you had a nice night so far?"
And I reply, while thinking, my vagina's on fire. My night has sucked.
"It's been alright I guess." Twitch.
"Can't sleep?" He says.
Hell no. My twat. It itches. Put the shit in the bag, so I can go use it. I'm not buying it 'just in case' I might come up with a yeast infection between now and 2009, I'm buying it because my shit itches. Like now.
"Nah. I work late, takes me a bit to wind down." I say.

Finally, antifungal cream is in the bag and I am home free.

That's my story. I'm a bit better now. The itching calmed down. I want sex.

Important. Srsly.

2008-03-11T02:23:00.002-05:00

I remembered yesterday how much I completely love Jars of Clay's first album.

Also, I'm getting a yeast infection.

That is all.

Start Wearing Purple Wearing Purple

2008-03-02T03:16:00.002-06:00

So, today I opened up this email about this soldier and his last words. I haven't crossed referenced it on snopes yet, but, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit.

The world is much more complex than we will ever know. How do I know?
I really don't.

Back to this email, it got me thinking. The world is much more complex than we will ever know because of one significant thing: perception. Also what we've been told plays a huge role. For instance, it is my opinion, based on my perception, which is based on the facts I've been told, that the war in Iraq is a mercenary mission we as Americans shouldn't be willing to sacrifice for. The facts I've been told are thus: They had weapons of mass destruction, WMD's are bad, we should do something to them before they do something to us. Kinda made sense to me, kinda it didn't. Over the course of this war a grand total of absolutely no WMDs have been found.

World complexity starts here. We hear things about bringing these people democracy. There are so many loaded questions with this topic alone. Do they want it? Is that our place in the world? How is this not like the Christian Crusades bringing salvation to heathens while killing the ones who refused?

We can think what we think based on what we think we've been told. Truth is, we'll never really know just sitting here. There's quite a bit of military blood in my family. I have the utmost respect for the people who serve our country, theirs is a truly noble and honorable sacrifice. So, know that when I type I don't agree with the war. But, I'm also willing to admit I don't know all there is to know. I don't think anyone ever will.

Showtunes

2008-02-20T22:54:00.002-06:00

There have been many stuck in my head the last few days. Right now it's that "We could be heros, forever and ever.." from Moulin Rouge, although I'm sure that's not the only place it's used. The other day it was "I could have danced all night" from My Fair Lady.

Yeah. Life. It rocks.

Because

2008-02-18T23:32:00.002-06:00

Because I work a lot, I haven't written a whole lot.

Because hours have been cut, I am sitting and writing now.

Lots have things have happened. I started my third week at my job today. Yay me. I still love my car. My parents took a vacation for VD day, it was nice to have a break even though I worked all that week.

I've been watching old movies lately. They're celebrating 80 years of Oscars on TCM this month and part of next. I discovered a love for James Cagney. So, for Christmas I should be easy to shop for ;).

I had to get reading glasses for work. I feel old, but after using them all day my eyes don't feel half as tired as they used to.

So, that's been about my life. Work. Coffee. Cigarettes, and Patrick. Patrick is my good friend. He's cute. He's funny. He's a homo. I loves him. He's as big of a whore as I am. :D

Simple Creature

2008-02-05T02:56:00.000-06:00

I really am just a simple creature.

I like grape soda. I like the way my toes feel in the sand. I like it when my nephew points at me and says "Uh!"

I like my new job. I'm catching a lot of hell because I've been in school to be something else upon growing up. I haven't decided if I'm still going to get my degree (I know Melissa. I know). I'm just not sure I want to be a paralegal anymore. If you guys knew how people who've studied law are chastised for not pursuing jobs in the legal field upon graduation, I think you'd understand. While having *a* degree is good. Generally people don't care about what it's in (unless you're applying for, say, and engineering job, but you're an english major). But when it comes to law you get this air of "what the fuck is wrong with you?" Like, "You can make fifty million trillion dollars in a week and you're not and I want to know why."

It's different than most other career paths, trust me. Lawyers have it even worse. They get raked over the coals.

Right now, I'm working on keeping my degree in simple creaturism. I love you guys. I appreciate it that you care about how and where my life goes. I'd also appreciate it if you'd try and understand my decision for the time being.

Quick Update

2008-01-24T21:21:00.000-06:00

While I'm stuff my face I just wanted to do some writing. I've been writing a lot lately for other things, but not here.

I bought a car and am looking for a place to do my internship to get my degree. I need a place to work last month. Actually I think I have a *little* time.

I love the car. It's a 93 Ford Taurus. Drives smooth. Clean title. Good tags. Pretty good gas mileage for it being a Ford and an old one at that.

Started bowling again. I used to bowl when I was young, before I moved to Austin, on a league. I loved it. I still do. Although my body isn't in such good shape (there's something not right about my hip..).

The hamburger meat my sister-in-law made with/for dinner is disgusting. Everything else is pretty good because it came out of a can. But whatever, I didn't have to cook it so it's being shoveled in.

The mushroom supplement I've been taking? Fucking awesome. If anyone wants to try any I'd be happy to give you a couple packs of tea, coffee (black and creamed and sugared), or hot cocoa to try. If you like it, great. I signed up as a distributor so you'd be helping out my situation. If not, no biggie. It doesn't have the same effect on everyone. Some people's body chemistry will respond well, others not at all. It's natural and the only side effect that I know of is if you take too much over an extended amount of time you get nosebleeds. But that amount is above and beyond even the kind of results I'm getting.

If anyone cares, what it does is help restore your body to it's natural balance. You can find information about it on the wikipedia here. It's known as the reishi mushroom in Japan and Lingzhi in China. It's referred to as the king of herbs. There are various videos on youtube and google video that have information on it. If ever anyones interested, just let me know and I'll hook you up.

One more plug, hehehe. I was in Corpus this last weekend and went walking on the bay. If not for the pain in my hip, I felt like I had the energy to walk forever. I was staying downtown, so everything I needed was within walking distance and walk I did. I didn't get winded, and most of you who know me know I smoke. Hell, I walked up a hill in downtown Austin and didn't get winded at all. It was a nice feeling. So, for me, it has improved my circulation.

Anyway, I'm off to go bowl now that I've digested some food and some thought.

Jesus.Fucking.Christ.

2008-01-15T23:09:00.001-06:00

If my days continue to be productively unproductive, I'm shooting someone and the dog.

I was assured today there's a special place in hell for me, and I'm going to have a friend when I get there. It's because I have sent this picture out in email:
So, yeah.

Other than that, the frustrations include looking for a car, a place to do my internship. Looking for a car.. a place to do my internship. I feel so fucking inept. Why does life have to be so hard?

And So...

2008-01-10T18:28:00.001-06:00

I think I'm doing okay with the whole blogging more resolution. The sex resolution is going good as well. I've been wanting to do more writing in general. Every time and sit and think about it, I run into someone I know, end up talking for forever, and alas, no writing.

I really want to write about that New Year's booty. I enjoy writing about the guys I know. I know I joke a lot about pointing out the nearest Burger King and shuffling them off to their tacos after sex, but I do enjoy them more than I like on. Most of what attracts me to men is personality. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've slept with a few straight up cocksuckers (and not in a gay way) but for the most part I enjoy their company and conversation. Unfortunately, I don't write about this stuff publicly, so put your lube away. It's much too close to my heart just to have it splayed across the internet.

I was thinking, however, about writing a bit about my beliefs. But that's for another post, I think. I just wanted to pound on the keyboard for a minute and clear my mind.

My mom's in the hospital. Which, I don't think I've written much about her at all. I sense a collective, "You have a mom???" Anyway, I thought she was having a stroke, so I called the ambulance. My brother was kind of a dick about it. I wanted to slap him and tell him to go back out into the garage, but didn't. I am hardly ever home, you know? I'm grateful the few times I have been have been helpful if nothing else.

It turns out she probably has Bell's Palsy. Which is a face-nerve thing having to do with Herpes Simplex I. That's the thing that really scared me, I guess, was half of her face was paralyzed and her speech was really slurred. Scary stuff. But, she's better now. They're keeping her over night at the hospital. My dad was upset when I first told him, but he's better now too. Anyway, that's it from me for now. Until next time...

Highlights (not as in hair...)

2008-01-07T21:48:00.000-06:00

Since life has primarily sucked lately and I don't like bitching here, I wanted to write down some funny stuff that's happened to me lately.

I learned a new phrase, that I refuse to use in public for obvious reasons: Fuck Trophy. A fuck trophy is the child of someone who's divorced or broken up with the mother or father of said child. It was taught to me by a very very very bad man.

I hope when you read this, Melissa, you lure me only to stab me. I'm too much of a pussy to commit suicide, and, life... I suck at it.

Seriously, though, what's wrong with me? I have more experience in computers than anything, yet I'm getting an associates degree to be a paralegal. I mean, what the fuck? My resume has more about coding in HTML and CSS, I've spent more time trouble shooting Linux, and I've actually been administrating a web site (soon to be bumped up to three) for several months. The thing I hate is the closer I get to finishing this, the more I love and regret it. Somehow I have to make this translate to "I'm a great critical thinker and worth my weight in gold when it comes to research." But I've no idea how. Resumes... I suck at them. Finding jobs.. I suck at that too. Usually the way I found jobs is talking to people. I mean, people like me, I have charisma or something... and we talk about the different shit I do and I'm good at, and chances are I can do, and love to do, something they need.

Alright, I can't do it. </funnystuff>

<bitch>
When I talked to the dean of the department I got the distinct impression that I was supposed to be working a month ago. He laughed when I told him I didn't have a job and hadn't found a place to intern yet. I had no idea until today what it was I was supposed to be looking for. I thought I could find a job as a file clerk, but apparently that's not entirely true. I have to have at least a part time thing under the super vision of an attorney. That information is very helpful. So he gave me a number, I called the lady and left her a message. I'm going to call again tomorrow. I'm still trying to get my resume together just in case there's a small ice cubish chance in hell I might be able to get a paying job. That would be really really nice.

In the words of the immortal Captain Malcolm Reynolds, "I do the job. Then I get paid for the job."
</bitch>

Last night I hung out with my friend Melissa and our friend Benson. When I was leaving I swear to god he was flirting with me. We'd talked about how I don't much care for men under the age of thirty, and Benson in all his wisdom told me, "Why? You're not looking for a relationship. Just fuck them." Cue Melissa, "Yeah. And call me. We'll talk about CSS." I'm considering this idea.. Anyway, so as I was leaving Benson puts his hands up, in the shape of the HTML tags <> and says "br," all sexy like, so I respond, in the same manner, "p." From there we digressed to machine code, "1-0-1-0-0-0-1." It was hot, I had to wash.

<bitch kinda>
So I got to hang out with Sharon last night, too. The wife of my friend who died. Well, they're both friends. I guess I'm depressed a bit about it. I don't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Well, that's not entirely true. I like talking to people and making them laugh, and being able to laugh myself. But still, I'm depressed. I laid in bed after today's hugely underrated success and masturbated.
</bitch kinda>

I came.
Twice.

<major bitch>
This is going to be cryptic on purpose. But there's someone on this earth. I hate him. I hate him because I think about him. I think about him because I have feelings for him. I hate having feelings for him. I just fucking hate him.. because I still think about him.
</major bitch>

Alright. My coffee cup's empty... I'm off to lobby to make such things illegal..

Asleep For The Last Time

2008-01-06T08:55:00.000-06:00

Last year I took my dog into the vet, and the vet found some things she wanted to remove. A few teeth and this lump that might have been cancer on her thigh. I was very nervous. I didn't sleep the night before. I took her up to the vet but didn't want to leave her. Cosmoe's old, I wasn't sure how she was going to do with the being put under thing. So, I was scared. I called the High Priestess in my coven, because she lives not so far from my vet, and told her want was going on and asked if I could come to her house after I dropped off my dog. She said she'd be happy if I came over.
So I dropped off the dog and hung out with her and her husband. We drank coffee and talked for few hours. Her husband was significantly older than she was. He had a string of health problems, diabetes, he'd had his foot amputated. I remember him saying, "Now, when I go.." and he said what he wanted to say and began crying.
I'll always be grateful they were there for me. It was a hard day, and the days after because Cosmoe didn't have a bad reaction to the anesthesia, but she was real slow and disoriented.
I've always treasured time when them.
Her husband had a stroke last August.
When I saw them a month or so later, and I was standing there talking to him it actually took me a little while to get the fact that I couldn't understand a word coming out of his mouth. I was shocked, I didn't know it was so bad. I kind of gave him a hug (it's hard to do a full on good one when someone's in a chair) and went and found my High Priestess. I couldn't imagine what she was going through, or what it was like, to live with him and not even understand what he was saying. I gave her a hug, I'm still not sure if it was more for me or her or for both of us. I told her I had no idea, and if she ever ever needed anything I'm never more than a phone call away. I'm busy, yes, but never too busy to help her.
He passed away yesterday morning, it may have even been Friday night. We're not sure yet. That's a phone call I've been anticipating since I saw him that night. I'll miss him. I'll miss how happy he made this women I know. I'll miss walking into their home to hear a western in the back ground on the T.V. I'll miss his stories. I can still hear his voice in my head, saying, "You know.. when I was quiet a bit younger..."
I hope one day I'm so lucky as to lay down the man I love, kiss him, tell him I love him, and watch him sleep for the last time. Or on the other side, where he lays me down, tells me he loves me, and watches me sleep for the last time.

There are many incredible people in my life. I treasure you guys, and them, pretty much everyone I encounter. I hope everyone's had a great weekend.

Stuff I Realized Today

2008-01-02T09:54:00.000-06:00

I didn't post my resolutions yesterday, so here they are.

1. I do hereby resolve and decree that I will have more crazy, nasty, strange, and at times more kinky sex than last year. I will of course keep this action in the realm of safety, carefully choosing participants and latex barriers between mucus membranes.

2. I do hereby resolve and decree to let the people who are special to me know how special they are. I will do so in person or in a real time atmosphere. The things I tell people will be genuine and not suck ass in nature.

3. I do hereby resolve and decree to blog more, even if it's stupid shit.

4. I do hereby resolve and decree to get a fucking job.

Moving on..

That mushroom stuff my friend gave me (from yesterday's post) FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Already, aside from the whole colon cleansing aspect. I have energy, more often than not I don't even want to get out of bed. This morning? Bright eyed and bushy tailed like I've never felt. I feel like my circulation is better. Usually I get cold as shit, but all day today I've felt the cold a little bit, but my teeth aren't chattering, my hands don't go numb and seem to warm up faster when they're not poked out in the cold, my feet haven't gotten cold at all (I was wearing slippers, but still sitting out in 30 something odd degree weather), and my torso has stayed warm. Usually my back gets real cold to the touch. I've eaten two meals already, and usually by this time I've had toast. My hip, which has been a constant pain my ass for a few months, is sore. It isn't hurting like it has been, it's just a bit sore. I feel more alert, well, awake, than ever. I slept all of six hours and feel fucking great.

Stuff I realized: Just because I have energy doesn't mean I have motivation. My soreness may be from the romp around the back of my van the other night (although all *pain* is gone).

The eating thing is what really amazes me. I've never known myself to eat more than once or twice a day.

Also, a side note, last year I made the quiet resolution to be at or around 200 pounds by the ends of the year. Yesterday I weighed myself. I'm at 203.5. Which is completely fucking awesome.. except.. my pants don't fit anymore...

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T12:50:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone's New Year celebrations were safe and lots and lots of fun.

I hope also, that you wonderful wonderful people who read these bits of text on the web, will take a moment to think of and send love to those families who have loved ones that didn't make it home last night. Even if you don't know anyone personally, take a minute, for me.

Like I said, I hope everyone had a grand time and made lots of drunken resolutions they'll either forget or not be able to keep.

My highlights:
Best New Years text message ever: Before the sun sets, before the memories fade, before the networks get jammed and before I get drunk, get naked and lose my phone, I'm wishing you a happy New Year.
Sent to me from my friend Jeff. He's so sentimental. :D

I got to try Thai food for the first time last night. Ironic that it would be the last time for 2007.

I drank a quad shot of espresso around 9pm and could feel each and every individual hair on my body until around 4 o'clock this morning.

I saw a candle holder that was so "WTF?!" I 1.) started crying I was laughing so hard; 2.) am still amazed someone put effort into this retarded piece of glued wood; and 3.) still can't imagine the original recipient keeping a straight face at the time she received said gift.

I got some strange I've been lusting after for a while (teehee) and it reaffirmed my resolution to have more crazy sex (like, safe, I'm safe, I want you guys to know that) and to stay single as long as I can afford to do so.

I got this coffee drink thing my friend's been telling me about that has these ganoderma mushrooms in it. I tell you what, I shit this afternoon like I haven't shit in about six months. We'll not talk about my horrible colon blockage.. moving on..

I got booty that I've been lusting after for two months, did I mention that? In the words of my friend Hector, who is very wise, it was over 9000.. and the awesome of it was made with pure awesome extract.

All in all, I got to spend some great time with friends. That's what I enjoyed the most. To my friends I didn't get to see last night, you know I love you, and none of us can be everywhere at once, I hope you had a wonderful time and happy 2008!

Remembering Sarajevo

2007-12-28T18:13:00.000-06:00

I went and saw the Trans-Siberian Orchestra on Wednesday. As always it was an awesome show. Me and my dad go every year. It's half a joke, half truth, but we say we go because we enjoy the show and forget how the story ends. Come mid year I can't ever for the life of me remember what the Angel finds. He's on a mission to find something that humans value but can't touch.

The other thing I enjoy about the show, in a weird way, is it never fails to make me cry like a little bitch. It's true, I lose it every year. Lemme tell you why. The Angel flies over Sarajevo, and sees scars on the land - which, interesting historical point: after the war the people painted the holes in the ground from bombs and stuff with read paint. As he's flying over, he comments/thinks/whatever that he's listened to God closely many many times and had never once heard him say to kill in his name.

The Bosnian War started in 1991, or thereabouts. I was ten years old. I watched the entire thing on the news station at school called Channel 1. By the time it ended I knew the concept of ethnic cleansing. I learned there were places in the world were people killed you because of your background, heritage, race, religion, sex, any reason a person could muster to separate you out from this concept of 'pure'. The Siege of Sarajevo is to date the most heart breaking war time event that's happened in my life time.

By the end of this war, though I learned the concepts around what was going on, no one could answer my one question of Why? Why do people still kill in the name of God? Why are people still killed because of their ethnicity? Why has anyone ever been killed because of their religion?

None of these questions have ever been answered to my liking. I think that's why I cry. I remember when the open air markets were attacked - the Serbs killed civilians on purpose. I remember the pictures of the bombings, the destruction, the rape of countless Muslim women.

I know I don't quite know all the political atmosphere or exactly what was going on. Even still, there's no reason that fits within humanity, or within my human element, that makes me sit back and say, "Oh. Okay. I get it now."

I'm not sure how this ties in, just foreign affairs stuff, but the other day former prime minister of Palestine Benazir Bhutto was killed. She was shot twice and then a suicide bomber set off a bomb and killed about 20 of her supporters. She. A woman was a prime minister. In Palestine. Hopefully not the only female leader in that part of the world. But, she is gone now. This story disturbed me. She spent eight years in exile and it was just within the last year she returned.

If you ever get a chance, at least listen to Christmas Eve in Sarajevo, now that you know a bit about what happened. Even without the narration I get teary eyed.

*EDIT* My bad. Benazir Bhutto was the former Prime Minster of Pakistan, not Palestine. Thanks Loren. :D

It's Christmas!

2007-12-25T06:17:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's been a while since I posted - busy busy!

I got fleece jammie bottoms. :D I wonder who else got me super cool jammie bottoms.. >.>

Oh, and I got a Starbucks gift card (lots of brownie points to Katy), a coffee cup, perfume, this scenting thing, a big candle holder thing, a box full of love, a new computer chair, and lots and lots of Christmas cards. And I saved stuff for later today.

Kinda I feel bad, I wasn't able to get any one else very much. I got little things for people.. I found some really pretty ceramic beads at Earth Art that fit within my budget.

Anyway, I am the sleepeh. Wanted to spread some cheer. Oh, and, it's a bit late, but, for my friends/readers who have kiddos I found this: http://www.noradsanta.org/en/home.htm
Well.. *I* didn't _find_ it, it was posted on the KXAN's website. Maybe book mark it for next year, it's real neat. You can use Google Earth to track Santa. :D And it's got videos and games (I think that was a game..), Santa facts. All that stuff. It's neat, I need to sic my nephew on it. Anyway, Enjoy!

Merry Christmas!!!

More Poetry

2007-12-08T06:13:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine's been trying to get me back into open-mic poetry. Well, he's not all like, "YOU HAVE TO!" More like, he suggested it, I used to do it and really enjoyed it.. so it's more his suggestion and my brain trying to talk me into it. So I've been digging around in all my poetry books and trying to get some material together. I found this poem I've been looking for for literally years. I'm posting it for your pleasure.

Desire

I looked inside myself today,
And found my void
Filled with love and beauty.

I watched the wind play across the trees,
And dance with Herself -
I realized the mundane is joyful.

I saw a pair of lovers,
walking hand in hand, giving to each other
The love the ocean gives her children.

I saw Death.
She touched the wind
And reminded me of life's confusion.

I saw all of these things,
And now, in the darkness,
I think of the coming dawn.

More Fun With Ubuntu

2007-12-01T07:32:00.000-06:00

So, I've been working on getting all these bits working right the last few days. Damn I love it. Be one with the command line and you're computer will love you more than your own mother does.

The cool things I've done:

I have a 3D Cube rotating desktop, on which I can work on four difference spaces. When I get into doing shit, that's helpful. This desktop is transparent, so I can see the other spaces through the one I'm working on. I need to get a capture desktop program to make a video and show you guys. It's really awesome.

I timed my startup. From the GRUB loader to the login screen it takes 33.5 seconds. That in itself is incredibly awesome.

I changed my splash screen (what you have to look at between login and the desktop) to this really awesome picture of Blue October.

My graphics card has better support with ubuntu than with windows, and it's only partially supported.

There's a few bugs that need to be fixed, but at least I can fix them, you know what I mean? In windows, if there's a bug, you have to wait for a patch or probably go through some excruciating process if you can actually do it your self.

In other news, finals are coming, Thanksgiving was good, Christmas cards need to been done, I think my dog has arthritis, and I'm behind on everything.

Life is still good.

The Dumb

2007-11-27T20:12:00.000-06:00

Most people who know me know that I'm a really big computer geek.

Really big. Computer geek.

Me.

At one point I was running off three different computers. My desktop, which runs Windows XP. It's been more or less kind of a game, me and my relationship with WinXP. My old laptop, which runs Mac OS X. I spent some time reformatting the hard disc, doing things in Darwin that are just nifty, and crashing the system. I never really kept anything on there worth keeping. And finally, I had this little Gateway Laptop on which I ran MEPIS, a light running version of Linux ideal for older computers. Man, that thing was old, too. It had a total of 64MB of RAM and a Pentium II in it. When I first got it, it had a bootleg copy of WinXP on it. Anytime I touched that thing I felt myself aging. MEPIS was okay, too. I had DSL (Damn Small Linux) on it for a while, too, but didn't feel like working out the bugs and the wireless card.

Anyway, so this past week I've been priming up to put Enlightenment on my new laptop, my Compaq Presario. Nice piece of work, that is. It's got a 2.5 Ghtz processor, 2 Gigs of memory, 128MB Video Memory, and the thing smokes running even WinXP. Enlightenment I like for several reasons. It's light, not bogged down like KDE desktop or even the Windows interface. It's pretty. Man is it pretty. If you ever get a chance, check out some of the screen shots. And finally, it's pretty AND light, at the SAME time.

Even booting it off a 40X CD drive, Enlightenment smokes on my laptop. The only problem is I've got a broadcom wireless card and from what I've been reading it's hard to support natively. So, what I'm thinking is installing Ubuntu and also installing the Enlightenment Desktop. Long story, I'll skip how that works for now.

Onto the dumb.

Through this, it occurred to me that it might be a good idea to back up my windows partitions, because I do want to keep windows. For now. Maybe forever. Maybe for a week. Who knows. So I'm looking around in my System Tools. There's no back up software. So I check online. I read a bit about (on the microsoft website) a backup utility that is on the WinXP install disk, which I don't have because they just don't give you that kind of stuff anymore, and think, "Well, since I don't have it, I should be able to download it because I have genuine software." *Pause here for a shiny teeth glean*

I find the package I need, download it, and go to install. My installer tells me the program I'm trying to install is for Vista.

Awesome.

I'd rather have large objects inserted into my anus with no lube than put Vista on my laptop. That being said, know that there's a lot more I'd rather do than have Vista on my laptop than just that. Now visualize...

Okay, back to. So I thought I'd copy all of my user files to my incredibly large external USB drive. I tried it, stupid me, I tried it. Popped up with "File in use" errors. I should know. I should know better. Even if you have nothing running, and I mean NOTHING up, you're still using a user file somewhere. So, download Ubuntu I did, started my computer from the disk, and copied over the files that way. (To catch some of you up who may not know, by starting from the CD ROM drive rather than my hard drive, it unmounted the drive, and all the files I needed copied were no longer in use. Pretty sweet, eh? My Mac taught me that.)

It was the most productively unproductive day ever. Last Friday, I think it was.

Now, for the really dumb part. I copied my files and thought also it would be a good idea to make a disk image of the recovery portion of my hard drive (which I'm doing right now with the help of PING Linux, stands for Partimage Is Not Ghost). You download it, burn an ISO CD, boot your computer up, and make an image of whatever drive you need. It occurred to me earlier that having the recovery portion of a drive on the same drive (even though it's partitioned) is the dumbest idea ever. So, making an image of it on an external drive is a good idea for anyone, anytime. That way, in case of total system failure and having to delete (or get a new hard drive), you can run your recovery disks (well, that's what I have anyway), which will reinstall the system software, drivers, etc, and then reinstate the recovery drive with the backed up image and be able to completely restore your computer to it's former state no matter what happens. I'm not sure who's bright idea this partitioning idea belongs to, but the dude needs to be shot.

My Weekend

2007-11-20T18:09:00.000-06:00

In a nutshell: Exciting, awesome, scary, unsure, stressful, dramatic...

Hmm.. I suppose I could go on and on, or I can just tell you.

On Friday I had the pleasure of eating dinner with my friend Eric, who I rarely get to see. We had some great food and great conversation. I got some knitting done and finished watching Firefly.

On Saturday I went to my friend Melissa's sort of "Yay I got a new apartment" dinner party. That was great. Tasty Mexican food. Good company. Then we went back to the shiny new apartment and had some coffee and chats. I miss talking to you, Melissa. :( I left there and did my single woman hear me roar sleeping around thing. Well, not really sleeping around thing. I didn't quite make it home, though. ;)

I woke up Sunday really excited. I'd planned with a friend the day before to go to the Inner Faith Thanksgiving Service at the Beth Israel temple. I think it's a temple, you know, the place, where Jewish people worship. Can't think. Clowns have eaten my brains. I'd been excited about it for quite a while because the idea of so many faiths and backgrounds coming together and worshiping under one roof just fascinates me. So I helped my friend with stuff because she was in the procession of religious leaders. It was amazing. There was drumming, singing, dancing, praying, bell ringers, a sitar, and people from all walks of life. I sat next to some really cool people. One lady was nice enough to show me her iPhone. Oh man. Those phones are so sexy.

Then came the part where we got up and greeted eat other. The lady who showed me her phone was the first to ask how it is we greet each other in my religion. "Hi" in Wiccan is either "Blessed Be" or "Merry Meet." I tend to like merry meet, so that's what I told everyone I greeted. The lady on the other side of me asked what religion I was. I told her I was Wiccan.

She was so excited. I wasn't expecting that. At all. Everyone was excited there was representation from within the Wiccan/Pagan community. Even the Unitarian Univeralist Minster in front of me. He didn't surprise me so much. Those guys kind of like us. It was an event of amazing unity. I had tears in my eyes through most of it. I do now, writing this. I didn't ever anticipate such acceptance. The service ended, and my friend and I found a respectful place to smoke a cigarette, then we went for the food. By the time we got to it, there were scraps of this and that. I got a bite of this and a taste of that.

I was satisfied.

My friend. Well. My High Priestess remarked it was like Jesus and the loaves. I believe when people are gathered, in unity and love, when we go to break bread, there will be enough to go around. I saw it. I felt it. I was satisfied with bits of this and that. So was she, and the guys behind me. It was an amazing experience.

From the time I got done with that up until about two hours ago, I've been researching and writing, rewriting, reading, re-researching, and writing more on this memo I've been working on for my research class. Brain over load. I'm surprised I'm writing now, actually.

The last thing I wanted to talk about was last night. I spent a good five hours at the Law Library. I love that place. I do. I decided to give a friend of mine a ride before heading home. On my way to pick him up, I was sitting on the feeder road, waiting for the light and there was this homeless man with a squeegee. And I'd heard stories about the guys with the squeegee's not taking no for an answer. I vaguely glanced his way, just watching traffic, and he did it. He started squeegeeing my windshield without asking, without being asked or prompted in anyway.
So, says I, in my pathologically polite way, "No, but, thank you."

He kept on.

I actually rolled the window down, I know he heard me ask him to stop the first time, so I said in my not so polite way, "You need to get the fuck away from my car."

So he stopped. And wondered off.

What the hell is wrong with people these days?

Am I So Wrong...

2007-11-16T18:51:00.000-06:00

In thinking dating is entirely utilitarian?

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night about some renegotiations me and my ex-fiance got into over the weekend. And he and I try and renegotiate every six months or so. If he starts it, I say no. If I start it, he says no.

Yeah. Match made in heaven, let me tell you.

So, this negotiation went like so.

Me: Marry me?
Him: Sure.
Me: Well, that was easy. Would you still let me sleep with other people?
Him: Well.. maybe [he listed a few names of people I would still be able to sleep with, of which names I'm withholding].
Me: How bout this. I get to keep screwing [one name off the list], you keep your crazy girlfriend, and we each get one freebie a year.
Him: Like, just one bit of strange a year?
Me: No, like, one person who's a bit of strange a year. And it's cumulative. Like, I have [so-and-so] now, January first rolls around I get to keep that one and if I get a new one I get to bug him for strange all year, but that's it.
Him: Just one?
Me: Evens the odds. It's not like you get one a year as it is.

Seriously, a match made in heaven.

I tend to think this whole marriage and relationship is totally utilitarian because I'm hard to love and it's hard for me to love. I mean, he's reasonable tolerable, decent to look at. He's funny, warm hearted. He's warm. Like, when it's cold like now, he's a little heater. He's the only man I've ever slept with that can give me an orgasm. I mean, when it comes to sex, he's goes above and beyond. I've known plenty of men who claim they can/will do that and fail. Maybe it's me. I do hold the title of "fuck of the century."

It's getting to be more and more my experience that you meet someone, you sack them (or let them think they sacked you. Whatever) and within a week or two, the excitement's gone. It's not funny to leave your bra in their car anymore, and you just want to quietly fade off the scene. Or they do. However it plays out, it gets boring. I guess it's like this. If I'm going to be bored, I'd like to know the person I'm being bored with, and know him well I do.

And if I marry him my mother will kill us both.

Writer's block

2007-11-11T16:49:00.001-06:00

It sucks.

A lot.

Life's Little Reminders

2007-10-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

Most people who read this blog that I know of know that I'm in recovery. Hopefully most people who read it now have gotten to and read the post about my sobriety birthday back in August. So. Yeah. If you didn't know, now you do.
I was in a meeting just a while ago and was reminded about something. I didn't know where to write it, so I thought I'd just write about it here. I should write more, privately I suppose. Anyway, what we were discussing was Gossip. I'm not sure if what I do personally can be considered as gossip. Yes I talk about the people in my life and events that surround me, but I don't repeat nor talk about things that I wasn't present for. Whether or not a recounting of my own experience counts as gossip, I'm not sure. In the definition, the word hearsay comes up. Which, hearsay denotes that the person gossiping wasn't around for the actual occurrence.
One thing this topic did remind me of was why I left my old home group. We have a saying. Never say anything in a meeting you don't want all of AA in Austin to know. For the most part it's true. Alcoholics talk. Things get around.
Anyway, so a couple years ago I was living with this guy. I probably shouldn't have been, because he drinks and does drugs. But, whatever, I figured it was my choice, and OH MY GOD I WAS IN LOVE. Some people just don't understand. The point is, it was my choice, and I was aware of the things that went on while I was sleeping. I was aware of what went on while I wasn't there. Somehow, the word got out at my old home group. I didn't say anything. I don't remember telling anyone anything about this situation. Because I know not to say anything unless I want everyone in Austin to know. I talked to my sponsor about it a lot. I talked to close friends. I know the source of how the information that got leaked. It was my mother. Surprise surprise.
Even after I left him, moved out, and started rebuilding everything, people still came up to me and said some pretty mean spirited things. I'm not sure if it was their way of saying, "Hey, I love you, you should think about what you're doing." But it sure didn't sound like it. Whatever's wrong with, "Hey, I love you. You should think about what you're doing"? Honestly, some people walked up to me and said some pretty cruel things, and it was totally uncalled for. So I left. I was tired of defending this. I mean, I don't know why I felt the need to defend my actions, other than the fact that they were my own; that people have the right to be wrong; that I had the right to be wrong; it wasn't there life. True or not. It wasn't anyone's business.
I found a new home group. I'd forgotten for a long time. But it makes me want to watch my own actions to see if what it is I am saying is indeed gossip. Because if things like what was said to me come out of my mouth, then yes, yes I do need to take a look at what I'm saying. Now that I've remembered again why I don't go to the same group I used to go to when I got sober, I'm sad. It just pains me that people who claim to try and help other people will go to such lengths to tear others down. That's all for now. I just had to write. Before I forgot. Again.

Hooray Colorado!

2007-10-16T13:09:00.001-05:00

Now that my brain is functioning a bit better. It took four shots of espresso and roughly twelve hours of sleep. Hell, if it weren't better by now I'd be shooting myself. This post is probably going to be the first of many about trip pictures. There's so many it's going to take me a while to go through and find all the good ones to build a slide show or something. Anyway, here is better for me anyway because I can post the picture and then babble about what it is.

That's the I-70 diner. Their Amish meatballs are the shit. I burped it up all night. It was the first time I'd ever eaten anything and was really excited to taste it again later.

This is mountainous activity somewhere on I-70.

More of the view from I-70, west of Denver I think.

Somewhere along the road to Lookout Mountain aka Buffalo Bill's Grave.

A view from part of the Lookout Mountain Trail.

A view from the same part of the trail. That's me. I was looking at this earlier and thought, "Gosh. I'm so small compared to everything. The mountains. The universe." So, I think of it now as the insignificant picture.

Me practicing what I preach about sitting and being. Ah, it was nice just sitting there and enjoying the view. This was at the actual look out point. There's a shop there with a really nice lady. They have fantastic fudge and food. This is also near the resting place of Buffalo Bill and his wife.

I-70 West of the lookout mountain exit.

The tunnel. Er, one of the tunnels on I-70.

The Starbucks in Idaho Springs, Colorado. Elevation 7,526 feet. It is home to less than 2,000 people. One day I will live there. If only for a year or two, I will live there.

This would be why I would live there. To the right of this picture is an apartment complex right on this creek with a staircase winding down to this little patio, on the creek. Someday I will wake up and sit in a place similar in this town, drink coffee, and smoke a few cigarettes.

Further up the mountain, elevation somewhere around 8 or 9 thousand feet. I realized when we stopped here what Joseph Campbell was talking about when he said, "People seek the meaning of life but what they're really looking for is the experience of being alive." Or something very close to that, I'll have to look it up. Anyway, at this point I realized that was the entire trip. We just got in the car and drove West from Denver, with no destination in mind. The further we went, the more we needed to see. When that hit me, that realization, I almost cried. I finally felt what he was talking about. I told my friend Eric, who took this trip with me, "This is it. This is what he was talking about. This is the experience of being alive." Maybe it wasn't the complete experience of being alive, but it's an awesome starting point for me. After that, this butterfly fluttered up in my face and waited very patiently and prettily for me to take a few pictures of it.

This is the view from the top of a hill on the side of I-70, still heading west. It was completely beautiful. These pictures do no justice to actually seeing it. This was somewhere between 9 and 10 thousand feet above sea level. There was a storm heading our way. At that elevation this time of year, it doesn't rain. It snows. So, we got snowed on. Needless to say it wasn't much further from here we turned around and headed back to Denver.

Five States. Four Days. Oh yeah.

2007-10-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

I just got back home to Austin, Texas, from a trip I took with a friend this past weekend to Denver, Colorado. It took us 18 hours to get there, and 21 to get back. The five States the title is refering to include: Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and New Mexico. We decided to take some time and see the sights on the way back. It was beautiful. I wanted to share with you some things that I learned:

Kansas is basically a 82,282 square mile shit hole. If it ever occurs to you that it might be a good idea to drive through and see the sights, shoot yourself.
Fun-Yuns are in a food group all their own. They get the funky sleepy I've been in the car way too fucking long taste out of your mouth in the morning.
I drive like a cunt no matter what State I'm in.
People in every State I was in, on every highway, still think a blinker is asking permission for something. I'm not asking your permission to merge or change lanes when I put my blinker on. I'm letting you know where I'm going you fucking cock wrinkle. Move.
My brain is made of Fungus. If you ever hear me say, "Dig in the Fungus..." Now you'll know why.
Nothing feels better than a hot shower and a warm, soft bed after driving 1,000+ miles.
The cops in Kansas are essentially 6 foot rectal muscles with radar guns.
There's a gas station on I-70 heading into Denver, about 150 miles east, where the ladies restroom is filled with Harlequin Romance novels. But I'll tell you what, that lady sure knows a good place to eat.

That is all for now. The Fungus is tired.

Today

2007-10-09T18:04:00.000-05:00

I feel like I want to write more, just because I know I have the time. Otherwise, there's at least two weeks in between posts. But then, I'd post ten times one day.. and still naught for two weeks. There is no happy medium in my life right now. It's okay. It's frustrating. It's interesting. It won't last much longer, I hope.

Anyway, today has been long. My hamster died. It was strange, I was sitting at my desk working on stuff, and I caught a smell of something off. I turned around, and he was laid out. Not in a ball, like how he likes to sleep, either. Just sort of laying on his side. His eyes were slightly open. I knew when I looked over my shoulder, before I got up to investigate, that he was dead. My lazy, cute, furry friend is gone.

I feel as though it's been a long week and today's only Tuesday. And yesterday was a holiday. I've driven over a hundred miles. Run at least twenty errands. I'm still behind.
My dog had a seizure last night. It was like the brakes got put on everything. My entire world stopped. I was terrified watching her eyes flicker back and forth. It was strange.

My eyes have horrible allergies in them. This is new for me. It's driving me nuts. I'm in class. Life just feels blah right now. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not sure what to do. I want to go home, or go to a friends, and just lay on the couch and knit.

Random Strangers

2007-10-04T06:21:00.000-05:00

I've never been big on Craigslist, even though I've heard a bit about it over the years since it started. This site has a lot to offer, and if you're thinking their personals section is just a big fuck fest because it's free, you're kind of right. For the most part, there's some strange stuff going down. But then, I've found responses and people on there better than the guys eHarmony deemed worthy of me based on my 82 point or whatever-the-fuck personality profile. As much as this hurts, because it was expensive and disappointing, I paid for a subscription to eHarmony a few months ago. The quality of people on there was very disappointing. I've very much enjoyed the conversations I've had with a few of the people I've contacted (and who've contacted me) through Craigslist.

One in particular that I wanted to write about. He posted this ad entitled "Looking for insight?" and offered to listen to any women's 'man problems.' Free of charge, no less. I think it's something he just likes to do. So I wrote him about this situation that's been going on in my life for a while. It was refreshing to not get a sugar coated opinion. And no even an opinion, guy advice from a guy is damn near close to fact. He asked me important questions and helped me analyze the situation, and stop over-analyzing it.

I used to hear about these hotlines where it was like chump change a minute just to talk to someone. Not a sleazy sex line, just someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Those lines were actually a bit more successful than most, because humans need someone to talk to. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a random stranger about what's troubling life than it is a close friend. And I love my friends. I don't fear their judgment. I don't mind opening up to them. It's just in this situation I needed a fresh and clean perspective. Someone from outside that hasn't held my hand through the joys, laughed at my amused frustration, or patted my head while I cried. Although I really appreciate the people who have done this. I'm not sure what my mental state would be without you (I LOVE YOU MELISSA. I do. I think about you all the time).

The truth is, I need someone I can just talk to. Just spill all the beans. I've used various folks on the internet. One was Crystal, in a way. One of her past posts inspired something in me, and I could relate a lot to what she'd written. The guy from Craigslist, the random stranger? His name is Brian. At least, that's what the e-mail said (I hope you don't mind, dude.. I mean.. if you ever read this nonsense I write). There are various others, but these are the two who've recently made an impact. An impact in a random stranger's life. Some girl, from the internet, that they took a moment to listen to. Well, in Crystal's case, she took a moment to not be afraid, and wrote something no one understood until I came along and read it (at the time, hopefully someone else could relate to it). So this is a big heartfelt thank you to anyone out there who takes the time to help a friend or some random person.

Dear Asshat..

2007-10-02T21:26:00.000-05:00

Fuck you.

To every person who gets on IH 35 doing 40 and refuses to speed up once on the freeway. Fuck you.

To everyone who rides my ass when I'm already speeding. Fuck you.

To every person who changes lanes while on the phone without even checking their blind spot. Fuck you.

To every jackass in the fast lane doing five miles per hour below the speed limit. Fuck you.

To anyone bastardly enough to ride my ass when I'm in the right lane and it's more than your right to GO FUCKING AROUND. Fuck you.

And finally, to that guy at the post office the other day who was bitching about the employees being liars because they lost your mail and have no record of it, fuck you. All I wanted was stamps. Fuck all of you. Get out of my city.

I hope you all at some point in your lives get your head stuck in a toilet.

Respectfully submitted,
BJ

Happy October, everybody!! I think I'm going to be a pimptress for Halloween. I'm soooooo excited. I bought the most fantastic shoes. Okay. Now that I've bitched, I'm going to go jerk off. :D

Going Through

2007-09-29T07:41:00.000-05:00

What an appropriate title for today, I think. Maybe not so much centered on the things *I'm* going through, because these things don't just involve myself - but more so just going through life.

Last Sunday marked the Autumnal Equinox, the first day of fall and the second day of the year when the day and night are of equal length. In case you didn't know. At Lugh's day, which was in August, the Corn King is sacrificed. The Goddess has been in mourning, and now is the time when she begins her reprieve before she journeys into the underworld to be with her King (which is at Halloween/Samhain). I was wondering why I was feeling a little sideways until I remembered this while at my covens ritual last Sunday. My Patron Goddess would be the face of the Goddess (the Crone) that did the sacrificing. Actually Hecate's a triple Goddess, but I sometimes imagine that of all the pantheons she would be the most suited to be the Crone doing the sacrificing.

So that is what the earth and the energy around us is going through. Or, so according to me and a handful of other Wiccans. What I'm going through is somewhat similar. No, no one was sacrificed. Gosh, if ONLY we still practiced human sacrifice!
Okay. Joking.
A very good friend of mine is moving to London. Last I heard, his flight leaves today at noon. I'm not sure though, because the first I heard it was supposed to be leaving on September 11th. What a day to fly overseas, eh? But that plan was changed, and the plans may have been changed again. I don't know. I hope so, in a way, because I just can't imagine him leaving without a chance to say goodbye.
And if he ever gets around to reading my blog, because I know I sent him the URL, than Hi Alan! I will miss you a lot. I mean, we didn't hang out that much, but it's truly one of those quality over quantity situations.
I love you. I do. You've been nothing but nurturing towards me, and at times you've no idea how much I needed that. I didn't even know I needed it. You taught me things about myself. I also have a clearer picture of what I'd want from a man if I ever stop sleeping around and get back on the dating scene. Which is more likely these days than it has been in a while. See the post from earlier about me being single my entire life.
I know it's not goodbye forever and ever, but, round trip airfare to London is about 850 bucks and that's a lot of Atlantic ocean to fly over. Not that it would never happen -- I just don't know how or when.

Now that I've bared my soul to the web.. moving on.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm turning 26. I'm nervous. I mean, I've never turned 26 before. It's going to be a new thing for me. It probably isn't going to be as bad as 25. 25 was kind of a land mark thing. I remember hyperventilating saying "Oh my god. OH MY GOD. I'm going to be a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD." And then I'd pass out and get up and do it all over again. That might not mean much to those of you who read this and are older than that. I'll freak out if I want to. Yeah. I'm sure when I turn 40 (if I make it that far. Don't laugh. I have a bad kidney), then I would probably party. Until then, freaking out. Didn't think I'd live this long. I actually planned to commit suicide at 18. That was before I got sober, though. And that story is for an emo blog, and we'll not get much into it.
So, we're going to have this barbecue at the park and party like it's 1999 motherfuckers. If you've been invited, show up, because it would really mean a lot to me. Shit. It means a lot to me that those of you who read this read this. I really don't run around in life with this "Hey I'm fucking special" attitude, in fact, most days my own value is beyond me. I don't see it. I reject the whole idea sometimes. So it genuinely does mean a lot to me when people take the time to read this and tell me about it (even though you guys don't comment.. not to name names.. Kris...) and it means a lot to me that the people who are going to come tomorrow are taking the time to do that. Speaking of which, if you ever care to, the comments are open to even anonymous posts. I don't moderate them. I won't. So, even if you don't have a blogspot account you can comment. Just so you know.

So. There is the sappy post for the month. I hope you enjoyed it. Get some lube and roll around in it.
kluvthxbai

Why I will probably always be single

2007-09-26T02:07:00.000-05:00

To start with, I'm super picky. I've heard a lot of good ideas, as far as dating goes, to make sure you're not dealing with a psycho and to make sure whoever you're interested in is a decent person. Some include: ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, taking a few bites, and being done with it (the trick I understand is if he doesn't get upset, because he's paying, he's decent in the anger/controlling department). A guy I know has what I call a "two week thing." The way he explained, if I remember correctly, was something like "Date a girl for two weeks, like hang out and stuff, and if it goes good then alright." What that means, though I'm still not sure.
My thing? My checks and balances and tests and tweaks? Heh. It's just not all that complicated. In fact, I'm so picky, most goes don't get a first date, let alone actually me talking to them for two weeks. I have such a low tolerance for bullshit, it isn't even funny.
For example, there was this really hot waiter at this restaurant a few weeks ago. I took my friend to dinner. On the way in, he was nice. He said something to the effect of, "Hi. How're you ladies tonight." I assumed he was talking to us, and due to my polite nature I actually turned, so I was looking at him when I replied, "I'm alright. How about yourself?" Apparently he was doing good.
We found out halfway through dinner that he was 23. Sorry to say, but, strike one. Alright. So some 23 year old boys can be decent humans. Usually they're gay or incapacitated in some way, but I guess they can be okay human beings.
At about the end of our meal, he came up and commented on the tattoo on my back. A lot of people comment on it. So, the conversation went from compliment to movies to other weird shit. He asked me for my number. He seemed decent enough. Usually about the time a guy gets a sentence or two out, I've decided I'm done, but he got passed that. I gave him my number. He called, we went for coffee. He called again, we went for more coffee. Halfway through the second meeting, I found out he still lives with his (soon to be ex, according to him) girlfriend. And he actually said the phrase "more pushin for the cushion, if you know what I mean *winkwink*"
Even if he didn't still live with his (soon to be ex, according to him) girlfriend, I would still be so done. I don't need sexual overtones to know a guys attracted to me, especially if he went to such great lengths to get my attention and phone number.

Alright. So maybe I won't always be single. I mean, there aren't a whole lot of women on this planet that are quite like me. Maybe if there's some guy out there that knows how to act and speak, is halfway decent in bed, and who'll leave me alone when I want him to, then maybe I'll date him. Until then, fuck dating. I'm going back to sleeping around.

My Greatness

2007-09-24T09:52:00.000-05:00

This is a blog about my greatness. Be forewarned.

While the world was sleeping, I created this.

Like all things of greatness, it needs a little tweaking. But, nonetheless, it is an illustration of my awesomeness. Come. Bask in it. Maybe some of my awesomeness will rub off on your tentacles.

Okay, so I was supposed to work on it like a month ago, but inspiration didn't hit me until last night.

In other news, my intuition is totally gone. Like, MIA gone. I'm hoping this is just temporary. I'm not used to experiencing the world in concrete ideas and taking things at face value. But, on the upside I've learned it's more or less natural of me to trust people. I've been reading in between the lines less and just taking life as it comes. So, I'm less stressed, albeit less aware of people and my surroundings, but over all less stressed and drawn into thought.

The downside, is it's my intuition. It's always told me who's good, who's bad, and who's mediocre. It's my balancing sense of where to go, when to go, and how exactly to go about it. I know I've made a few huge mistakes the last few weeks, in thought, word, and action. I've also had to outright ask people things I don't normally need to ask. Things I'm not exactly comfortable talking about. I feel as though I'm stumbling blindly along a path that was once lit and is now dark.

Exciting, yes. A learning experience, definitely. I'm not sure if it's a test, a random occurrence, or if my spider sense has left me for good. At times it's frustrating. Other times, liberating.

Whipped Random

Although I prefer to wrote code in my underwear, I made that page up at the coffee shop.

I informed the barrista at the coffee shop I had created greatness and was going home to rub my naked breasts on it at 5am.

It was very temping to leave my nipple prints on my laptop screen.

Melissa wants to have sex with me even more because of this web page.

Melissa is also jealous that she's going to be a work for the next 7 hours and not at home rubbing her bare breasts on the new web site.

I bought a yo-yo the other day at Terra Toys.

Last night a friend of mine gave me a pink monkey.

My parents are on vacation and I've been living off Macaroni and Cheese (Dad? If you read this, SEND MONEY!).

One Day Not So Long Ago...

2007-09-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

Well, actually just today and yesterday, I was reminded of how much I can't stand being talked down to. Some people have this thing, if they're over 35 or 40, and this thing goes like this: They think it's okay to talk down to me because I'm in my twenties.
I admit it was a lot worse when I was 20 than it has been over the last few years. I'm becoming a shit head about it, lately. I seriously wonder if my standards of rude behavior are just too high for some people. While I am most definitely not the highest example of socially acceptable, there are some things that I think are rude on an instinctual, moral level. Things that quite literally dumbfound me when they're done or said, and that is actually pretty hard to do.

In other news, and I know I said I would not be posting anything highly personal or dramatic, but damn it's on my mind. I guess it's not that dramatic. I had these plans for the night, which I carried out nicely. The plans went like this: Get coffee, go to class, get more coffee, go shoot pool, get even more coffee. What actually happened was this: Got coffee, went to class, got more coffee, talked to people, went to shoot pool, got weird phone calls, now drinking even more coffee.

Which of these things is not like the others?

Right. The weird phone calls are out of place. Of course you can't plan around them. You can't sit down and say, "If you have something throwed off to tell me, don't call me Mondays."

Well I guess you could. Or I could, but that's a lot of calling people to tell them something kind of stupid.

So I was driving to the pool hall when the first phone call happened. It was my ex. So he calls me every once and a while. Which is cool, I like to talk to him still. So I answer the phone. He doesn't say hi, how are you? None of that shit (chalk this up above as something I consider rude).
He just asked me what I was doing. So I told him, "I'm on my way to shoot some pool." Insert superficial conversation. Out of the blue, he says, "When you were pregnant, what process did you go through for insurance and stuff?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Him: "You know. When you were pregnant. How did you get your stuff taken care of?"
*Pause*
This is thrown off right here because we haven't talked about me being pregnant since I was pregnant. Long story short, I was pregnant, my body can't take the hormones, so I had to abort. What he specifically wanted to know about was the end result.
*Continue*
Me: "Well she has to go to DHS (Department of Human Services) file some paper work, oh wait. She also has to go to like a women's clinic to get a pregnancy test and get paper work from them. To prove it."
This is when he started talking me in circles. Yes medicaid covers abortions, as far as I know. We talked about price, all that shit.
What gets me. Are you serious?
I'm okay with the fact he left me for someone else. I'm okay with the fact that there was always something in his life that he loved more than me. I'm okay with a lot of shit. I'm even okay with the whole fact that he walked out of my life for someone else, and called me when that didn't quite work out for him (he didn't leave me for the one that's pregnant now).
Also, when I'd asked if she wanted it, he said no, and followed it with, "I don't want to have a child with her."
Like I somehow failed. At least, that's how I feel right now. Maybe I'm just taking all this too personally.

That's all I got. If I think about this anymore, I think I'm going to cry. Mainly, because I'm angry.

Inking

2007-09-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

I made this appointment on Friday to 'talk' to my tattoo artist yesterday. I was so excited when I woke up yesterday, I went and got my eyes checked, which is something I really needed to do, and went on to the shop early. I have to tell you about my eye doctor visit, first. I've been seeing this lady for a good ten years or so. I completely love her. She's never jerked me around. She does her work well. She asked me what I'd been up to lately, to which I replied, "Dying my hair pink, getting tattooed and going to school." She laughed and suggested we dilate my eyes on Friday since I was going to be going into the tattoo shop to talk design. So you know, the picture up on my blogspot profile is just the outline of what's on my back. It was done last year. It's since been filled in and now we're going to work around it. Eventually, my back, shoulders, and upper arms will be covered.
I knew when I walked into Moms Tattoos I would walk out with new ink. I can't lie to myself. We did take care of business, and here very soon I'll have the outlines started for the things around the goddess. I'm excited. While I was there, I mentioned I wanted to cover what I call my "crazy dots." When I was sixteen, I got a needle, thread, and some Indian ink and put these dots on my ankle. I think though because of all the other beautiful work on my body, no one ever noticed but me. I dyed my hair for the same reason. I have gray hairs that no one else notices but me. So she told me to poke around and find something I like. I just found one flower. It was a rose bud, and on the stem was a butterfly, and the stem continued down. From this simple design, she designed this viney girlie tattoo that wraps around my ankle, it has butterflies, dragonflies, and two full bloom roses. It's the most painful work I've had done to date. The pain from the work on my back is now considered discomfort. I didn't really put much stock into what people say about how painful ankle tats are until now. It was worth it.
As she was putting on the stencils, when she put the dragonflies on my feet, I looked right at her, and was like, "You're going to hurt me, aren't you?" I've never winced, cried, or even thought of screaming while getting a tattoo. She looked back at me, smiled, and was like, "Probably."
I screamed like I was getting my nails ripped out. But I did not cry. Just screamed. My artist was amazed at my lung capacity. And I now have an official, legitimate reason for having held my foot in the air for an hour or so.
This is the first tattoo that not only embodies an ideal I have in life, but who I am in this life. I thought for a minute it might be a meaningless cover job. But after discussion and thought, It's more part of me than any other. Yes I love the goddess on my back. Yes, I love the tattoos on my arms, they're all part of who I am, but this ankle tattoo is what I am. I'm a women. I'm a beautiful women. As shocking as it is to me, I turn heads. Everywhere I've gone today people have commented on my ankle, on my back, on these things that are beautiful that are on my body.
From the little girl who felt worthless from the day she was born, who felt as though the entire world missed her because she was missing something, who drank just to feel sane, who loves fiercely and hurts alone in the shadows: I am beautiful, and even if the entire world turned it's back on me, I would still be beautiful.

Happiness

2007-08-29T16:48:00.001-05:00

Happiness is bleaching your hair and dying it pink.

Happiness is the bow-tie pasta at Galaxy Cafe in South Austin.

Happiness is having your errands done in time for lunch/dinner and still have time to eat and then go to school.

Today was as good as any other. I slept in until ten. Got up, went and got my hair done. Had some great laughs and a little serious conversation with my hairstylist. I got done with that, ran the errands I've been putting off all week, and was headed for home sooner than I thought. Oh, what I'd give for a spot of some pasta, cheese, and squash. So I rang up the Galaxy Cafe.
A cute voice on the other end answered the phone, "Galaxy Cafe."
Me, "Hey. Can I place an order for pick-up?"
Her, "Sure, what would you like?"
Me, "The bow-tie pasta, please."
Her, "What kind of dressing would you like with that?"
Me, "Er, well, it isn't a salad, what I'm wanting."
Her, "It comes with a salad."
Me, "Oh yeah. Just ranch or some variety thereof is fine."
Her, "Alright, your total's (seven bucks or something, I can't remember now) and it'll be ready in about ten minutes."

Perfect. I was about ten minutes away. So I pulled up, went inside and paid for my order, left a tip, got some tea, and left. Never checked what was in the bag. Never thought to check what was in the bag.
I get home, salivating by this time, ready for the world's best pasta. I carefully removed the plastic silverware from the bag, the mini paper menu, and finally the prize. But no little box, like a side salad would go in.
I figured out why when I opened the box. It was a salad. Not just any, but one with pesto on it. It doesn't happen very often, but there are people in this world allergic to basil. I happen to be one of them. It's kind of a strange thing. I probably wouldn't fall over dead or have a seizure or something, but it isn't exactly a walk in the park, either. So I came back. At first, the girl said, "Well, that's what we have during the day that has bow-tie pasta in it." She was genuinely not trying to be a twit. She said it like she'd honestly thought by ordering "bow-tie pasta" I wanted the Pesto Pasta Salad. Although she didn't seem to be trying to be a twit, I wanted to call her a twit.
"Well. I would be fine with it, normally. I would totally eat it. If it didn't have pesto on it. I'm allergic to Basil."
She almost looked at me blankly, like she was going to, and caught herself, and if I wasn't staring at her the entire time I would have probably missed this precious moment.
"Let me get my manager for you." She says.
I went back over it with the manager. She asked what it was I was wanting, and I said, "Well, I realized after looking at the menu that you guys don't serve it until after five," and before I could say, "I just want my money back so I can just get a sandwich at school," she asked what it was. And I told her.
She put the order in. It was pretty cool, mainly, because the stuff I wanted was more expensive than what the fuck up was. And I got more tea. For free.
So, I grabbed my computer and set up shop until it was time for class. They have wi-fi. God loves wi-fi.

Scattegories

2007-08-25T07:55:00.001-05:00

It is once again weekly update time. I like to try and write more than this, but on the skimpy 13 days of vacation time, I've been achieving absolutely nothing. It's everything I thought it could be.
So I've been reading this thing and have been absolutely astounded by people's stupidity. It's okay. Click the link. It's safe. No naked people at 419 Eater. If you don't believe me, read on and I will ease your mind.

419 is a scam. We've all gotten the e-mails about someone in Nigeria or overseas that has vast amounts of money and they're just begging to give it away. Yeah. Not.Likely. My daddy taught me better than that. He said "If something's too good to be true, it probably is." I will never forget this. I remember reading my first 419 scam e-mail. I scanned it, and just clicked "mark as spam."

What gets me, is people fall for this shit. I'm sure some letters are written quick convincingly. There are many many many different flavors of this scam. Someone's inheriting money and they need to move it out of the country. Someone's dying of AIDS and wants to set up a trust fund so you can take care of their children. More recently, in my gmail of all places, You've won the UK lottery that you never entered. I've never been to the UK. Shit. I've never left the US. I don't even play the Texas lottery. But, apparently, my email address is chosen at random every week. Along with a couple thousand other people, I'm sure.

If I ever know someone personally who falls for this bullshit, I will slap them. All these people are going to do is ask you for a lot of money to push their paperwork through, and when you want your money, there's going to be hang ups. I just can't see how some people could be so stupid.

In other news, I went to Schlitterbahn on Monday. Yes, during my exquisitely long and luxurious vacation I was dowsing off in a water park with rides that give enemas and pretzels that have enough salt to induce sodium poisoning. I loved every minute of it except the part where I freaked out on the soda straws, screamed bloody murder all the way down, forgot to breath, and took a very much not wanted forced breath under water. I'm so quiting smoking if that's what I have to look forward to in my fifties. I'm serious. I'm quitting smoking.
Other than that, it was a much needed break from everything. I took a friend with me that made me eat something like every two hours. Well, he didn't *make* me, but he suggested it. And I nibbled here and there. It's hard to eat while hot and wet and sweaty. We drank enough coffee to kill a whole tribe of small animals, and we walked around Texas State long enough to not have to think about exercising for the rest of the month. It's a nice campus. I'm excited. I'm going to make another trip down there very soon to get enrollment paper work started for next fall.

And tonight I'm going up to where I go to AA meetings, my home group, and I'm going to pick up my 9 year chip. I still can't believe I've been sober this long. When I first got sober, and keep in mind I was pretty fucked up emotionally, mentally, spiritually... I didn't think I was going to last six months. I didn't think I could live that long and not drink. I didn't want to live if I was going to drink. Effectively, I'd decided if AA didn't work I was going to kill myself.
I was 16.
Next month I'm going to turn 26. I finally think it's safe to say I've been sober longer than I drank.

All in all, life is pretty fuckin good.

Making The Grade

2007-08-17T20:02:00.000-05:00

So, I put some extra work into my Legal Research class. I brainstormed, I researched, I typed, I turned it in. It's the first ever piece of extra credit I've ever done during my current run in college. I'm getting an A. It's also one of the first few times I've needed extra credit to get an A.
How on earth I managed to get a 95 on the final, I'll never know.
That was the day of no sandwich for me.
I'd gone to the coffee shop to finish putting together my Research Notebook, I'd finished it with enough time to drive to the campus, order a sandwich, eat it, and get into class on time.
I got there and walked into the cafeteria. The kitchen was closed. Ah, but never fear. They have tasty tuna salad sandwiches in the spinning machine. I carefully selected the sandwich. Lined up the hole with the door. Fished two dollars and twenty five cents out of my pocket. Lined up the door with the hole again because the stupid thing does this automated twirly display thing. I put the money in. I reached for the door and pulled. On the message indicated it flashed "Error. Out of Service. Make another selection." So I tried another sandwich door. Ham. I'll eat ham. I'm starving. The indicator flashes "Please insert $2.25"
I already gave you money. Give up the fucking sandwich!

Defeated, I headed for class thirty minutes early.
As I sat down I was chatting with a friend. She was pulling out her books and notes.
"Oh shit. Are we allowed to *have* our books?"
"Oh yeah," She tells me, "It's an open book test. Didn't you know?"
Fuck. Someone remind me to show up to class more often next semester.

I grabbed my notebook and laptop and ran out the door, up the street, to my car and scooted home for my books that I hadn't seen in weeks. Never. Ever. Take an open book test in college without the books. No matter how hard you study. They'll have you do things like complete sentences out of these books you haven't read all term. Anyway, my mad dash home didn't net me another speeding ticket, but it should have. On my way there, I formulated this idea: Grab the books. Make a sandwich. Get out of dodge. So I grabbed my books. Slapped a sandwich together and was on my merry way.

I was on the road about five minutes before picking up the sandwich. I realized I hadn't inspected it before then in my haste. I looked. To my vast sandwichless disappointment, the meat had mold on it. My parents lit out of two a day or two before and took all the fresh lunch meat, it seems. So I wrapped the sad parcel in the napkin and lay it between the seats.
No sandwich for me.

I was thirty minutes late back to class instead of thirty minutes early.

My Mailman, My Mechanic, And Other Nonsense

2007-08-14T13:14:00.000-05:00

I can't stand my mailman. I wish I were home when he came by so I could say shitty things to him or stab him in the face. And that's the problem. He comes by so late (after 5 usually) that I don't have the chance to say shitty things to him. Or stab him. And so, the mail goes out from the post office at 11am and again at 4:30 pm. Anything I send doesn't actually go out until the next day because of this. I could take whatever I need mailed to the post office, but on my luck that bastard would come early that day. Plus, what's the point of a mail box with a flag if I'm going to be running things to the post office myself? What the fuck am I paying 42 cents a letter for? Him to go out all weekend and come in Mondays (ooo.. especially Mondays) hung over?

Anything I've ever said bad about my mechanic, I officially take back. Yesterday I was almost at this point, today I'm totally there. Yesterday I took my car to the shop to have the struts done. I drove over there and one of the guys on his crew brought me home. I did all my important stuff that I had to do at my house, took a nap, and woke up to his wife calling saying she would come pick me up. I got the car back, did the errands I had to do, and noticed it was making a strange noise when I went over bumps. I figured it was the new springy things settling. In the evening, I was going for coffee and was going to stop by the cigarette store first. In between my house and the cigarette store are train tracks. I did what I usually do, slowed down to about 25, and bounced over them. My car started making a stranger noise that didn't stop until I did.
I stopped, turned around and drove back towards my house. Strange noise still there. I called the mechanic, even though I knew he'd gone when I picked up the car, in hopes that someone was there. No answer. I decided to come back home. I woke up this morning to him calling me back. He called me back, even though I didn't leave a message. I told him what had happened. Said the noise was like a metallic hum and only happened when I was moving. He said he'd pick it up in thirty minutes so he could drive it into the shop and listen. So, I put my key under the mat and starting in studying more for my final. I got another call about an hour later and his guy said the hub was bad and wanted to know if I wanted them to go ahead and fix it. I said yes and called my dad and let him know. He said the mechanic agreed to be paid on Friday when he comes home.
Sitting in my living room earlier, because it's really really hot outside, I heard my screen door. I peeked out my peep hole and saw a car driving away. I opened the door and the key to the car was hanging on the lever for the screen door. I decided then that I love these guys. My car got fixed. I didn't have to give them any money right now, the picked up the car and dropped it off. He's got to be the most convenient guy in the world.

I'm way too tired to study for this test. I'll probably go to the coffee shop and do it, even though it's a hundred million degrees outside. I just want to drive the car because it drives so nice now. It doesn't feel like it's going to shake apart into a million pieces when I stop at a red light anymore. Plus I need to go get cat food before the cats start planning my unfortunate demise because they had to eat dog food earlier today..

Crunch crunch crunch

2007-08-13T08:32:00.000-05:00

It's finally finals week. I took my Family Law final this morning online. I have one left, tomorrow night, at 6pm. Pray for me. It's going to suck. A lot.
Of course, nothing can be worse than the final I took in Ethics last year. It took me three and a half hours. Which doesn't sound like much if you're in graduate school. But then, by the time I reach graduate school or even go on for my Bachelors, I'd like to hope I know most of this shit. I wrote out four essays for that final and answered god remembers how many short answer questions. Around essay number two I had to pee. Around essay number three I had to pee really really bad. I'm sure essay number four was the biggest piece of literary crap ever to have my name signed to it. I was tired, I had to pee (yes, this is for emphasis), and I couldn't put together a string coherent thoughts by then.
But, nevertheless, I am grateful to be in college. Most of it is paid for by the great state of Texas. Tomorrow I will be free for all of 12 days. Let's see how much hell I can achieve on such short notice. I've already got plans for Schlitterbahn. There's also plenty of laying around the house and knitting scheduled.
So I've been studying and doing the things I promised myself I would gradually do over the semester. Of course, I didn't do them. I knew I wouldn't, but I promised anyway. So much for not making promises I can't keep. I figure though it's okay if they're promises to myself.

Oh man. I need to do something mindless.

God loves Republicans

2007-08-10T17:17:00.000-05:00

So.. I'm going to steal some material from Bill Maher. During the last stand up of his I watched he remarked that Republicans were more concerned about whether or not teenagers fucked than they were about their education. He was talking about the grand "Abstinence-only" method of "birth control" being taught in school. Apparently, teenage girls are six times more likely to give oral sex, and four times more likely to engage in anal sex.

It is for this reason that God actually loves Republicans. In what I'm about to say know that I in no way advocate sex with underage teenagers, and in saying "teens" I'm referring to the ones 18 and older (or here in Texas 17).

God loves Republicans because the Republicans have made a generation of teenage girls who will FINALLY give head and anal sex because thanks to the "Abstinence Pledge" the vagina is off limits.

And this is what gets me about the Republican party. Well, any politician really. Girls know so little about their body that they think if they don't have vaginal sex it's ok. Well, I'm not saying getting banged in the ass or giving head is bad. But what bad is when I'm talking to a fellow female about sex or birth control, they usually ask me what I use. I have an IUD. What gets me, what's sad, what makes me know in my soul our educational system has lost its priorities in this area is that blank look I get. IUD's have been around since the 1950s. It's probably the second oldest method of birth control. Well, maybe third. Diaphragms, Rhythm Method (if that is a form of birth control), and then IUD. See, the Rhythm Method doesn't work because women know so little about their bodies they're not sure when they ovulate. That's sad. There are countless women out there who don't even know that usually (not always) ovulation occurs a few days before the period. Some women it's two weeks. It depends on the women. They don't know that what sets off a menstrual period is an unfertilized egg that's being passed out of the body.

Am I just going to blame the Republican party? Eh. I could. But I'd rather blame fucking everyone. The Republicans for thinking kids are too irresponsible to know about their bodies and what's available for them to make responsible decisions. The parents for thinking their kids will be taught about 'this stuff' at school. Yeah they'll learn about it at school. But chances are, most of what they listen to is from their friends. No it's not a comfortable subject, but it's so important finding a comfortable way to go about it is imperative. And finally, to the kids themselves who've made little or no effort to find the truth. There's a wealth of information on the internet, books, older people. There are so many resources at their fingertips. But people are so scared. Not just the adults but the kids too.

I want to scream and rip out my hair when I'm talking with someone, about something I would like to think is common knowledge, and they say something like "Wow I never knew that. Glad we had this conversation." Because it should be common knowledge that birth control pills and any other medication that alters the state of a body's hormone system can be very dangerous. Not just to smokers. Not just to women over 35. It should be common knowledge, and bare with me, but it's possible, that women can get pregnant without full on vaginal intercourse. It should be common knowledge that few STDs actually have symptoms and that condoms are effective ways of preventing STDs. It should be common knowledge that you can get these same STDs in your mouth and on your ass. See, what people don't get, is that knowledge is more powerful than what's going on now. "Just don't do it." "Abstinence Pledge." This is all the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. Teenagers are going to do it. At least equip them with the knowledge of how not to get pregnant (other than "just don't have sex") and how to prevent getting an STD. Ignoring this and keeping on the same path is only going to make things work. Most people's biggest mistakes are because they didn't know.

Here I am again..

2007-08-02T04:34:00.000-05:00

At 4:30 in the morning. Bored out of my skull. I promise not to bore you with more current events or anything of a political nature. I'm sitting on my back porch amongst wolf spiders large enough to take off a toe. I'm serious. I saw one the other day that was about four inches long.

So, I signed up for this whole twitter thing. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I keep asking myself, do I really want the entire web knowing what I'm doing off-handedly every moment of every day? Or, whenever I choose to send in an update? On my luck, and according to my good humored nature, I'll be in the throws of orgasm sometime next week, pick up my cell phone and text in something like, "Orgasming rite nao. Can't talk. Legs shaky."

And who ever I'm with will probably slink out of bed, get their cloths on and quietly ask me to leave. And take my goddamn cell phone with me.

I'm guessing I don't get why people think other people care what they might be doing at any given moment. Yes I know. I signed up for it. But mainly, because, if you look to the right, blogger has a widget for it. It's mainly for YOU. Yes. You, sitting there, reading these words on my blog. Because I'm pretty sure you might care when I orgasm or eat a beef and bean burrito or make orange kool-aid.

Other random things to do at this hour include blogging, bugging Hector, and Pogo. Also, knitting. But I like watching TV while I knit and the kids are all sleeping in the living room. I would watch 300 again.. but I get so distracted by the perfect six pack on every one of those men. Mmmm. Hollywood actually did something right, for once. Don't ask me what this movies about. You'll get an answer like "Plot? 300 has plot? Do they talk and stuff?" Because I just pause it and drool.

Okay, so joking. I've watched that movie backwards and forwards and know exactly what it's about.

So apparently...

2007-08-01T01:00:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit behind in the times. I just *barely* read about this whole Michael Vick thing. There are so many links out there, but I chose that one because it sums up my desire for this dude to get thrown in prison and ass raped for ten years. I mean, as weird as this sounds, dog fightings one thing. Yeah, that's cruel, but some of the other things, like throwing water on the dog and electrocuting it because it lost? That more or less takes the cake for sick fuckdom. And apparently his little brother, Marcus Vick isn't much better.

Of course, the NAACP urges the public not to pre-judge Michael Vick, but they seem to have no problem pre-judging on their own terms. You can read more here. Like any public interest group, they seem to be out to serve whatever interest serves them. And that's okay. Just know that when you hear from them. I really think the only reason why even the idea of race is still around is because the NAACP can't resist but step up and make it a white or black issue. I didn't even think of that until my dad mentioned to me what the NAACP was talking about. They served their purpose back in the days of the Civil Rights movements, and in places of the south that are behind in the times, but know I feel as though they're creating the division they once fought so hard to destroy. In other words, it's becoming a race issue because they're making it one. Same with the Lacrosse players at Duke. It was fine. People settle those things out of court ALL the time. White men. Mexicans. But because that girl was black. Because those boys were white. The NAACP made it a race issue. In 2007, this idea is stunning bullshit. They will tell you racism is alive and well. And it is. In backwoods towns where the KKK is still a trendy thing. On the national level it is not until they make it so.

The biggest problem with national interest groups is someone always gets fucked. The Lacrosse players? They got fucked. Anyone with any fame status will now get fucked for even looking at a black women wrong. Women's interest groups fuck men. With these people running around serving their own interests there can be no justice. Do I think those Lacrosse players should have served jail time? Yes I do. I believe any man who rapes a women deserves to spend time in jail. Not just white men of 'status' raping a black women. Or, the other way around. I believe all men of any race or creed deserve to spend time in jail for raping a women of any race or creed. So where's the NAACP when a black man does something wrong? They're standing behind him. Telling us not to pre-judge.

In other news, I had a great laugh this morning at my laptop and HP. My laptop says it has the capacity for 4 gigs of RAM. The HP website, on the specs for the P/N says it has the capacity for only 2 gigs of RAM. Not that I would ever have need for 4 gigs of RAM.. but hey.. I can dream.

Irresponsible

2007-07-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

The grinding of my gears.
You know what gets me? Being called irresponsible. Well, beyond that. Being called irresponsible by the same people who just asked I pick up their son from school because the daddy (also know as my fat, lazy, retarded brother) scheduled his college (community college) class during the time he's supposed to be picking up my nephew.

This kind of confuses me in a way.

Here's the scope:
Last year I was left off the list to pick him up (yes, at his school they have a list and you have to show some I.D.) because he and his wife thought I was 'too irresponsible' to handle the job. Well, needless to say I ended up on more than on occasion dropping what I was doing only to come home, pick up someone on the list, drive to the school, pick up my nephew, drive home, and then be merrily on my way back to whatever was interrupted.
What prompted the irresponsibility, you ask? I disappear every once and a while. Yeah. There. I said it. I leave this place I call home and stay with a MAN. Yes. A thing with a penis. And I get the stress boned right out of me. Then I sleep, cuddle, and all that mushy shit, and come home. In fact, it was after one such excursions that I heard "Well, they decided to leave you off the list because you're irresponsible."

Last time I checked I've brought my college GPA up from a 2.3 to a 2.7. It isn't anything to write home about, but I did screw up a lot a few years ago and I'm trying my damnedest to make it better. And I'm doing it.

Last time I checked, I had a driver's license. Yes, with this great innovation of modern man I do the grocery shopping, spend more time at the library than should be allowed for cruel and unusual punishment, and make midnight runs for bread.

Last time I checked when I got my student loan and grant money, I sat down and budgeted my expenses, being very careful to be sure I had money to pay bills (I have credit cards) in between checks. I've yet to miss a payment or be negative in my bank account.

Last time I checked, I volunteered to do basic accounting work for a group of people that owe me nothing, and to whom I owe my life. I've not missed a payment, set their banking account into the negative, or been off in their books even once.

But somehow, because I choose to spend the night off with some man friend every once and a while, one of the few joys in my life. I'm.Fucking.Irresponsible.

Now, they want me to pick him up this next year. In the midst of taking my own nine hours at college, god knows how many more hours at the library, and keeping up my accounting work, among other things (yes, there's more).

I said no. I said no because taking care of these children isn't my responsibility. They're right. I'm irresponsible. I'm irresponsible because it isn't my responsibility. I haven't put off getting my driver's license, even though I have two children and it's completely retarded not to have it. I didn't schedule my classes (which, ACC is really flexible with scheduling) in conflict with my child's school. I didn't jerk off and waste away my tax refund on an HDTV instead of equipping my wife with a drivers license. I don't sit on my ass all day and play video games in my parents garage instead of out working supporting my family.

And somehow, I still get looked at like I'm the fucking irresponsible one. Fuck them. My sister-in-law can take the bus. I work too hard for this shit.

Tricked

2007-07-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at my desk earlier making ready some bills and happened to glance at the Google desktop gadget that gives me news. I hardly ever look at this thing, and have the news gadget on my desktop but not my laptop.

All I saw was Bush Hands Over Power to Chaney.

I felt over joyed for a moment. Here are a few thoughts that ran through my head as I eagerly awaited the story, loading in my browser:

Wow, he finally figured out his I.Q. is the the double digits and conceded.
He must be dying.
He must be dead (not quite as rational as the rest, but it was there).
He finally concluded the gig was up as far as the war in Iraq, he's caught and he's no better than any other mass murdering fuck-head.
He's in jail for doing drugs.
He's tired of playing President in our white house.
He's playing a cruel joke on America.

And a cruel joke it was. My browser doesn't take that long to load, it's just my mind is really adept at jumping to conclusions. So I read the story and am instantly disappointed. He's alive, he doesn't think he's stupid, he's not tired of playing, he probably still believes in his war, no drugs (maybe he should take them..)... Alas, it's a cruel joke. They're screening his butt for cancer. And the devious "mwahahaha I'm planning things with my two hours of lime light" look on Chaney's face is classic.

Hopefully, if there's any great justice in the universe, Bush is half awake when they probe his innards and he comes out feeling like Goatse.

If you don't know who Goatse is, use your Googles. *But be warned, Goatse is an image some may find offensive. It is sexual in nature.*

*This statement is in compliance with US law stating I can't randomly send you all to shock sites without your knowledge.

Harry Potter

2007-07-21T06:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, this subject is really big right now. The last Harry Potter book came out last night. I'm laying in my bed with my copy snugly beside me. Getting it was an interesting experience.

I decided to reserve my copy at Borders, because it's not far from my house and usually that's where I go when I want/need a book. Although, I hate that place. I hate it because it's simple. Their book selection can be irritating to me. For example, I got this book on Tantric sex there some years ago. And it was a good beginners overview. I got a better book on Tantric sex at an adult store some years later. That book is (insert profanity)'ing awesome. Now, if they carried that sort of book (subject matter aside) at Borders, I would love that place.

Okay back to Harry Potter. I got there a little after 11pm, because I knew no two ways about it I'd be standing around waiting for half the night. I got my wrist band. Stood around some more. I thought maybe the advertisement of a Ball would be more festivities. There weren't any. I hung out with my friend. Ran into other friends. I heard Book People had a killer party. One friend I ran into was covered in glitter.

So, the moral of the story is Borders is the Hallmark of bookstores (little snippet sayings in place of actual books) and they don't know how to throw a Harry Potter party.

.. Not that I would be into that sort of thing ;)

The Parking Whore

2007-06-28T16:27:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting up at this dig Flipnotics, and it's a cool coffee shop. Although, it's not preferred by this blog writer. I was going to go to this place, The Green Muse, but a business owner in the same lot decided to be a whore. And I don't use that word lightly. There's egads of parking there. There's quite a few businesses there. But this lady (I'm told it's a chick) has signs up over half the parking lot "Parking for Stupid Whore Dance School ONLY at ALL TIMES."

Okay, that place has yet to be opened when I've been there. And I'm there a lot, because I'm a coffee whore, and go at all times of the day for my fix. Well, if it is open, no one's ever there. The kicker, that was pointed out to me today whilest whining, is that if there were people there, they could take what little parking the coffee shop has. this situation is officially Teh Ghey. So, if you're in Austin, and you want to find a dance school, steer clear of the dumb bitch on Oltorf and South First. Next to the gas station and pizza place, with the coffee shop on the other side? Yeah, that place.
I hope she goes out of business and gets her head stuck in a toilet.

On an unrelated note, Google Adsense is funny. Hmm.. I saw an ad there before posting this advertising a site for Christian homes dealing with homosexuality. Maybe I use the word "gay" too much. Must look into this...

In more recent news...

2007-06-23T04:16:00.000-05:00

Crawling around on Encyclopedia Dramatica* I found this website. Go ahead. Click it. Be prepared to laugh your ass off. It seems to be a Christian Fundamentalist website that basically labels all websites outside of their strict dogma (including that 'interracial relationships' are classified as a form of bestiality, huh, go figure) as sites violating their Internet Acceptable Use Policy. The funniest thing? Austin Independent School District's website is listed in there database (you know you want to. Click here. Ask.com is also listed in their database).

But BJ, you may say, maybe they just automatically added them and haven't made sure these websites were validly against their AUP.

Oh ho ho. Fear not. Net Authority MAKES NO Mistakes. Seriously. Looky here.

The amount of Christian zealotage on the internetz astounds me. And, to be sure, don't ever ever ever think I advocate children viewing offensive materials. Because I don't. Children shouldn't be on the internetz. They should be outside, playing, with other children, enjoying being children. What gets me is there are so many people out there who think they know what's good for children, and here we have Net Authority, cue, stage left. They claim that even websites about dinosaurs are harmful to children because dinosaur bones were put here apparently to test our faith in God, because no where in the bible are anything like dinosaurs mentioned.

...

Are you serious? Because it's not in the bible it's here to test faith? I'm not a Christian, but even if I were I wouldn't feed someone a line of crap quite that off the wall. Even the crazy people at the Westboro Baptist Church don't make stuff like that up. And even better? They're not racist. Yes, I believe equating an interracial relationship as being a form of bestiality is racist. According to these people's standards, other than the sheer amount of profanity on this blog, I will tell you all right now I'm a product of an interracial relationship. I guess I should be flagged as being against Net Authority's AUP because this is a blog, apparently, written by an abomination.

*I'm not linking Encyclopedia Dramatica because that site can be very offensive. I like it, don't get me wrong. If you're really curious, google it.

So I was at Target the other day...

2007-06-21T06:30:00.001-05:00

Looking to find a new bathing suit. Which I hate doing because it's hard to find one that does my boobs justice. Most bathing suits are for girls with smaller or perky tits. I have neither, so I've had this grudge with bathing suit shopping since about 13. I actually haven't gone in over five years. Because this is how it goes: I find something cute, that I like, try it on, and those weird nipple pads? Are smaller than my boobs. So, big boob + small nipple pad = not only odd sensation for me but it just looks weird. It looks like I'm trying to upholster my own breasts. When I cut the pads out, my boobs just sag. Looks equally as weird. Only, it's more uncomfortable for me.

With that in mind on Monday I went to Target. Because I need a new one. The old one was given to me by a friend five plus years ago (hence the no torturing myself for over five years) but we can all imagine what kind of shape that little prize is in.

I took a friend of mine, apparently you always need back up for this sort of thing. And we're in there poking around at stuff, stuff too small for me. Stuff unbefitting the boobs. The funny thing? They had more straight up two piece bikini's in extra large than the full coverage two pieces.

Out of no where, this lady and what assume to be her sister and/or shopping back-up, comes wondering up, picking through the swimming items.

"X-X-L YEAH THAT'S ME. THAT'S WHAT I NEED."
That's what she said. And then she'd move to a different rack of swimming treasures, poke through it a bit, and again, "YEP. X-X-L, UH HUH. RIGHT THAR."

I'm sure the people at the other end of the store could hear this. I had to keep myself from laughing. I'm convinced she was a little drunk.

Finally I got the idea to go to the womens section, where they did have bathing suits to do me some justice. I think I bought the most fantastic bathing suit I've ever owned.

Unfortunately, it's been raining all week. Le sigh.

So I have this class..

2007-06-18T18:55:00.000-05:00

And as shitty as it sounds I'm sitting here, in this class, right now, writing this. I've seen it happen on this forum I keep up with (MySpaceBashing) and I thought it was kind of dumb until now. Well, I could understand it on the forum because the kid who did it was in highschool. I'm sitting in a college class.
I mean, what's the world coming to when I can sit in a college class and add some blogage? Why isn't this professor keeping me so busy right now that I don't even have time to remember I even have a blog?

Fuck.

One of the biggest problems, is, though. I'm really tired. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I started back at school. But it isn't because of this class, it's because of the other lovely class I get to wonder into tomorrow evening.

Thoughts at 6am

2007-06-16T02:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I got my assignment done and I didn't die. I'm amazed. And yes I did get a nice, new, blank, fresh stack of papers to write on last Tuesday.

On to the random thoughtage!

I just had this weird thought pop into my head and it made me aware of a pet peeve I didn't know I had. Apparently, it irritates me when you give a gift to a child and the parent prompts the child to say thank you or express some sort of gratitude. For one thing, it irks me because I hate it when parents/relatives "talk" for children (ie "Say 'yes ma'am' and also tell..."). On a different note, and this is the thought you've waited five lines for, I think when you give a gift to someone it should be with such a kind heart that the kindness doesn't require a thank you, but the happiness is gratitude enough. My mind continues on with this sort of diatribe "Maybe that's part of the cause of the 'me' phenomena. If children are taught to give something in return for a gift (the thank you) maybe in a round about way they learn to expect something in return when they give a gift." How many people do you know have had a bitch fit at one time or another because they gave someone something for their birthday or Christmas, but were mad because they got nothing in return? It may be unrelated, it may not be. It's six am, what the fuck do I know?

A Poem

2007-06-08T22:42:00.000-05:00

I found this poem today working on some notes for stuff that I have to present tomorrow afternoon. I thought it was interesting. This isn't exactly a poetry blog, but, I'm sure there will be more poetry in the future.

The World Falling Down

I am in high disagreement,
With the Emotion
Deep in my Body.
Stirring.

Waiting.
Moving slowly as ice melts --
To set in motion,
The world falling down.

Life. Why it needs to go home.

2007-06-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling a little over whelmed lately. Well, I've been feeling A LOT overwhelmed lately. I've spent countless hours at the law library this week and just barely feel as though I'm making any progress and my assignment's due on Tuesday, which seems a ways a way.

Unless you're me. Tuesday feels like tomorrow with the depth and time this assignment is taking. And when I get it done, there will be another one waiting for me on Tuesday. A new one. A blank one. An assignment I have to start from the beginning on and spent countless more hours at the law library on next week.

And then there are various other things demanding my attention. Other assignments, other obligations that I agreed to do a few months ago that are looming. Prioritizing is hard. Gah. My brain hurts and I'm sleepy. When I get all stressed, like I have been, I don't sleep well because it takes me a while to unwind enough to sleep, and then four hours later I have to get up. So I've only been sleeping little snippets this week, which adds to the problem because I can't think, and that makes my assignment go slower.

I was listening to a song at the coffee shop, and if I'm not mistaken it was Frank Sinatra singing about Paris.
Took me five minutes to realize he wasn't singing about Paris Hilton because she wasn't alive back then.

I need more espresso.

Pwned

2007-06-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

I was sitting outside smoking with my brother the other day, and he was talking about going to work (which he hasn't done in a long LONG time, so you can understand me having a coronary problem with it). He brings up the fact that he wanted until the last minute to renew his license, which was on his birthday (May 22) and he hadn't gotten his new one just yet. So I told him, "Just drive with your old one and the online receipt that I'd like to believe you printed out."
Him: Well, on there they said that doesn't guarantee you don't get a ticket for driving without a license.
Me: Then don't give them a reason to pull you over.
Duh.

He left, and this was early afternoon (like, one or two). I checked the mail.
My brother had a letter from the Texas Department of Transportation in the mailbox. It felt like there was something hard and plastic and credit card sized in there.

I sent him this text message: I lol at you. Your license was in the mailbox.

He thinks I'm a big dork, but the truth is, he's been pwned by the mailman.

Singing In Pulic

2007-06-01T15:59:00.000-05:00

I may be some kind of crazy...

So, I'm sitting at this coffee shop "studying" listening to music stuff and all I want to do is sing along with it. At the coffee shop. With other people.

Yeah, I'm not sure they'll appreciate it as much as me.

In other news, I bought this new shirt the other day that's awesome. Conversations with mom:
Me: Isn't it cute?!
Her: Yes. Does it make ya feel girly?
Me: No. Even better. It makes me feel half naked.

Can't wait to wear that one out to more places than the grocery store.

I don't know what the write

2007-05-31T19:52:00.000-05:00

And I think I complain too much, and I'd hate to be one of "THOSE people."
One of THOSE people who needs to be lined up and shot, and calls you every five minutes to tell you how some dick just cut them off in traffic. Who, at every slight, calls you to tell you what a dick their boyfriend is, or what a bitch their girlfriend is, or if they're a nice mixture of crazy, both. I don't want to be one of THOSE people who just finds things to bitch about to make conversation. Drama is a form of mental disease, I'm convinced.

Today a guy who works for a cell phone store offered to mow my lawn in a pink Speedo to make up for all the text messages I've been charged for for sending to my friend that she hasn't gotten. At two cents a piece, we figure that's about fifty cents I'm out.
Get your Speedo buddy and start pullin weeds.

In other recent news, I went back to school on Tuesday. How very exciting.

Ah, the drugstore

2007-05-29T09:07:00.000-05:00

I think Walgreen's has the very best candy. Mainly because they carry stuff that I loved as a kid that isn't carried at the grocery store (like them big chewy Sweet Tarts, you know who you are). So, I wondered in last night on a Swedish Red Fish run. I dutifully took three bags of the yummy little fish and a can of tea to the counter. The register guy asked me how I was doing, and I told him I was good. I asked him how he was doing.
He leaned in a bit, and with a tired look on his face he said, "Fair."
"Is it quitin time?" This is a question most retail/register/whatever people appreciate.
"Not until eight A.M., honey." (I'm pretty sure he was gay)
"Oh wow, that's early in the morning, and a long ways away." I gave him my sad, you poor thing look.
He perked up a bit, "But hey, I work in a drug store." I laughed SO hard I started coughing.
I told him that sounded really promising. It makes me think, maybe Walgreen's gives its employees speed. Must fill out application.

Yay College Books

2007-05-26T11:14:00.000-05:00

I love being in college. There's something completely awesome about laying around all day and kind of doing homework, then cramming like a banshee come mid-terms and finals. One thing I hate, buying the damn books. Other than the fact that they're outrageously over priced, I can't stand the helpful people at the book store.
They are helpful. They are nice.

They're twits.
I've been in this game long enough to know the place backwards and forwards. So, I go to find my books. They have two of the four I need, and I already happen to have those two from a previous class. I'm studying to be a paralegal, it made sense to keep the citation books. That stuffs kind of important.
So I'm going to leave and the helpful girl working said "Did you find everything you need?"
Uhm, honey, I had NOTHING in my hands. So I told her no, that they didn't have any of the books I need. She asked if I was sure. I said yes, lots of empty shelf back there.
She took my schedule and proceeded back to the books.
"Wow, we're out of those books." Someone I assume to be the manager was on her tail, took down the authors and checked to see if they'd have them in. Wednesday. Which means I'd have to buy them new. Other than that, the last thing I want to do is go to the book store during the first week of school. So, I said that "I bet it's gonna be crazy." Helpful one replies "Well, not that crazy. More like.. a frat party." And I added to that, "With lots of artillery punch, I bet." She laughed, I think she might know what that is.
"Well, not to offend (and I knew it would) but I'm just going to check another book store. Thanks for your help." And wasting ten minutes of my precious time to confirm something I'd gotten twenty minutes ago.

I hate buying books. I hate overly helpful sales people. And salespeople, my heart goes out to you. You have a demanding job. Keeping bitchy twits like me happy all day every day. I salute you. But, for fucks sake, take a breath and try to understand TOO helpful is like a hot poker in the ass.

DO. NOT. WANT.

Some things should be illegal

2007-05-25T21:59:00.001-05:00

Other than the usual fat man in a thong bikini on the beach? Aging hippies with guitars at open mic night.

I went to go see a friend read some poetry and another friend play his guitar (which I'd missed) at this little hole in the wall coffee shop. I decided to hang after they were done just to see or hear other people. For the most part, it was weird. A few men, off in their way later years, sang what almost sounded like show tunes about war or some such nonsense.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, the last act of the night got up with an electric guitar, along with a guy with a tri bongo set up like thing, and a horn player of some sort. There were parts that were good, don't get me wrong. The words just didn't make sense, either that or I'd had way too much caffeine. The horn player just sat in the back, sipping on a beer, giving only a single toot where it felt appropriate.

I couldn't take it, I gave one of my friends the "come smoke with me" eye and head nod toward the door. When we got outside, I told her I just needed her lighter. For whatever reason the perfect place for my lighter to stay is in my car door. She accused me of using her, I assured her I didn't use her.
That much.

This girl is one of my closest girl type friends, too, so in our conversation the word cock had to have come up more than ten times (that's about when I stopped counting, and there were many more to be had). I knew a man had walked outside to take part in a delicious nicotine love affair, but the cocks just kept rolling out of my mouth, sprinkled with a bit of penis and dick. My friend pointed him and the awkward situation out, I couldn't help but say, pretty loudly actually "Oh my God, she said PENIS."
I don't think he was that amused, he gave that forced kind of giggle that people do when they're nervous or whatever. So chatter moved to the Blue Moon coming up next week.

Maybe that's why I'm so cock crazy..
Mmmmm.. delicious cock, you must eat...

Okay, seriously, I'm done.

Trying to find my way back to the middle of everywhere..

2007-05-24T00:03:00.000-05:00

So, I went out earlier tonight to hear some old friends of mine play. Jimmy George and Russell Clepper. My God-Sister came with her fiance and my friend Shannon showed up as well. The music was good, the food was awesome, they played at this pretty well established Mexican food joint here.

I about cracked up over my friend Shannon, just remember, though, I understand her frustrations. I'd walked in the door almost a minute late, and she was already there. The waitress had taken her drink order. We sat and talked a bit, and the waitress came back with our drinks and asked if we were ready to order, and we told her we were. For whatever reason, the waitress left. And Shannon looked square at me, "didn't I just tell her we were ready?" I was a bit confused, too. She didn't come back. My God-Sister showed up, and the twits we are, we only had a table for four, so we had to move.

The waitress comes back.

The waitress takes their drink orders and scampers off to get them.

Shannon's four months pregnant and decided to leave a good amount of room for tasty Mexican food.
The waitress finally comes back for our order, forty five minutes after we'd told her we were ready. Shannon, by this time, has this manic, pregnancy charged, feed-me-now-before-I-rip-your-fucking-head-off look to her.

I relayed this to Jimmy George after the show, and he emulated it perfectly. I just had to ask "Have you ever been pregnant?"

He laughed at me. Said he'd lived with a pregnant chick for six months, also said he'd rather be anywhere but there. I feel the pain, my sister-in-law's been pregnant twice, and twice have I suffered the hormonal wrath that is womankind during pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I think new life is beautiful and babies are beautiful and all that, but c'mon, we all know how crazy women get when they're producing a baby.

Er, and not to mention hungry.

The Virgin Post

2007-05-22T08:19:00.000-05:00

Here, anyway. I write a bit on my Myspace blog (puke, gag, fuck that place). I've been poking around lately, reading a lot of this lady, who is absofreakinglutely hilarious. I never have kept my Myspace blog up to date, it just doesn't occur to me. Myspace is just like this seething, horrible, popularity sort of contest, glitter driven social site that makes me scream every time I'm in public and have to hear that word out of any teeny-bopper's mouth. Or, even worse, at some nerd coffee shop where people have nothing better to do than talk about the evils of government and society and how things should be different. At three o'clock in the morning all whacked up on caffeine, and it's almost always overflowing with nerds wearing black, that no one understands, hunched over a 12 inch laptop. That always kills me, if my laptop were that small, I'd break the fucker. I love living in Austin.

Hello world.

....later that day...

As I was running my errands today, I was thinking of what I might write about to add to this, because, honestly, that shit up there, kind of boring. It just got me thinking about the internet in general, I can't believe some of the crap I've come across. In my crawlings I've read some moaning about the 'me generation.' I don't think it's so much a generational thing, but more just a mind set, because it isn't just young people. I've known a good number of people under twenty five that don't run around constantly worried about "Number One." That's refreshing. A quick gander at Myspace, Youtube, Livejournal, or any other social networking site type (and I'm aware Youtube and LJ are more than networking, but it's a heavy feature) and you'll see all kinds of drama. There's this collective attitude of "I'm going to air my dirty laundry on the internet (a public forum, mind you) and expect some retard NOT to make fun of me."

That will never happen. There's always some troll, or even just some innocent bystander (damn the innocent bystanders!), that's going to take the opportunity to get some laughs. I just want to slap people and tell them "If you don't want people to make fun of you, don't air your stupid dramatic crap on the internet, a public forum, mind you." It just doesn't seem to occur to them. Do they have some need to be dramatized? So, the moral of this, you can try, but you will more than likely not find my dirty, dramatic life here, or anywhere on the internet.

Thank gods I'm not that stupid.

Now that I am no longer virgin, I must go wash.