Okay, so, for the longest time I've been trying to figure out why I get attached so some guys that I sleep with, yet not to others, who are more or less great men, but, just don't do it for me. Love and sex have always been two completely independent things for me. Very rarely have the two ever come together.
I noticed lately, after a few sleepless nights, that I'm falling for someone I probably shouldn't. Part of me feels like a dumb girl, part of me's used to it, and part of me is so tired of everything it doesn't give a shit.
The pattern I see is this, and this is for like, love love. Not that crazy "OMG I'm all attached to you in a very unhealthy way" 'love'. Anyway, pattern is thus: I'm given/offered something I lacked and needed as a child.
Whether it's nurturing or attention, it just feels so good to me, because it's something I've only ever known in adulthood. Here lately, protection. I realized it immediately. You know when you're falling for someone, and when I knew, I knew why, and it dawned on me. I fall in love with men who have the potential to help heal my very broken childhood. I like feeling safe. I never felt safe. I still don't at times, I'm hyper aware to this day of the things going on around me. With this man I feel like I can exhale and sit completely down. And relax.
So, I'm sad because I hate falling, but happy because it feels nice to look forward to someone's smile, and also neurotic because I have no idea what the hell.
So here are some lyrics that I think are applicable. It's a song called Desolation bye Russell Clepper. You can here it on his Myspace page here. So go listen, mmkay?
Desolation
Desolation, my old friend,
I see your empty spaces grin.
Like demons who just can't stop laughin,
Desolation, home again.
Friends and lovers come and go
These empty chairs sing their echoes
These mute bed sheets, holding their folds
Desolation's soundless woe
Hope and angels float away
They'll not return some other day
The stars they speak, but all they say is
Desolation's out this way.
My virtues have all been cast aside
My heart spring's all filled in and dried
My bravest dreams must be denied
Desolation's long dark night.
Vain belief. Useless sun.
Wasted courage. Forsaken fun.
Only beyond this horizon
Desolation's the only one.
Desolation, my old friend
I see your empty spaces grin.
I feel the nails rust through my skin
Desolation, you old has been.
I noticed lately, after a few sleepless nights, that I'm falling for someone I probably shouldn't. Part of me feels like a dumb girl, part of me's used to it, and part of me is so tired of everything it doesn't give a shit.
The pattern I see is this, and this is for like, love love. Not that crazy "OMG I'm all attached to you in a very unhealthy way" 'love'. Anyway, pattern is thus: I'm given/offered something I lacked and needed as a child.
Whether it's nurturing or attention, it just feels so good to me, because it's something I've only ever known in adulthood. Here lately, protection. I realized it immediately. You know when you're falling for someone, and when I knew, I knew why, and it dawned on me. I fall in love with men who have the potential to help heal my very broken childhood. I like feeling safe. I never felt safe. I still don't at times, I'm hyper aware to this day of the things going on around me. With this man I feel like I can exhale and sit completely down. And relax.
So, I'm sad because I hate falling, but happy because it feels nice to look forward to someone's smile, and also neurotic because I have no idea what the hell.
So here are some lyrics that I think are applicable. It's a song called Desolation bye Russell Clepper. You can here it on his Myspace page here. So go listen, mmkay?
Desolation
Desolation, my old friend,
I see your empty spaces grin.
Like demons who just can't stop laughin,
Desolation, home again.
Friends and lovers come and go
These empty chairs sing their echoes
These mute bed sheets, holding their folds
Desolation's soundless woe
Hope and angels float away
They'll not return some other day
The stars they speak, but all they say is
Desolation's out this way.
My virtues have all been cast aside
My heart spring's all filled in and dried
My bravest dreams must be denied
Desolation's long dark night.
Vain belief. Useless sun.
Wasted courage. Forsaken fun.
Only beyond this horizon
Desolation's the only one.
Desolation, my old friend
I see your empty spaces grin.
I feel the nails rust through my skin
Desolation, you old has been.
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